"Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs." - Psalm 100:2
Well, here I am again, after much time away from writing, I absolutely need this time. Writing has been the best medicine for me so far. I'm hoping this helps me to get back to having peaceful sleep and move past that anxiety that is hard to shake at night. So, I sit, shut in my room, on my bed, with the computer and my Bible (and plenty of tissues!).
I came across this verse, not by accident but because God wanted me to read something in particular and remind me of where my true joy comes from- Jesus. Cole's Bible reading for school this week has Psalm 100 as a chapter to read with us. I open my Bible, and there's a specific application for "how can we be joyful when we're really sad?" So incredibly fitting for where I am right now.
Tomorrow, our little man, Cole turns 4! I'm not sure how, other than that time sure flies when you stand, looking back on it. Although I'm so happy and blessed by this boy, I have been struggling. I am watching my two boys grow, all the while, there's one little girl missing. It's HARD. I am sad because I don't know what she would look like, or what her little personality would be like. It brings sadness, frustration and sometimes anger. I sit watching my kids play, interacting with one another, look at pictures of them and I see an empty spot- always. I look at Cole and Nathan and wonder how they would both simply adore their sister. I look at Cole, who has seen it all, way too soon and wish I could take it all away, make his sister "be here with him" as he said once when he and Nathan were sitting in a chair together. I would love to not have such skin burning tears to hide from my boys, moments where I literally have to go "wash dishes" or "use the bathroom" to compose myself from their little eyes that are always watching. (Those little guys are so perceptive!) I would much rather be dealing with "diva" behavior than the emptiness I always carry. It has gotten easier to bear, but it never EVER goes away. There's always an ache, every single day, but just as with the ocean, there are high tides and low tides.
When we heard "there's no heartbeat", nearly 3 years ago, all of our hopes and dreams for Olivia went away more quickly than they had come. This is something we have to live with forever, this side of heaven anyways. It's something I could honestly do without, that always wondering, that frustration that comes at not even being able to imagine, or getting mad about having to imagine.
Despite my sadness and more difficult days, I am so very blessed to be able to open my Bible and have God speak to me through his word. I am so thankful for the joy that I can cling to when I'm feeling extra down. It's that kind of joy that takes effort, but it's irreplaceable and it can't be found anywhere other than in the hope of Jesus. God never promised us that our days would be without sorrow and tears, but he sure has promised a one way path to an eternity without all the trouble that this life brings.
