"Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs." - Psalm 100:2
Well, here I am again, after much time away from writing, I absolutely need this time. Writing has been the best medicine for me so far. I'm hoping this helps me to get back to having peaceful sleep and move past that anxiety that is hard to shake at night. So, I sit, shut in my room, on my bed, with the computer and my Bible (and plenty of tissues!).
I came across this verse, not by accident but because God wanted me to read something in particular and remind me of where my true joy comes from- Jesus. Cole's Bible reading for school this week has Psalm 100 as a chapter to read with us. I open my Bible, and there's a specific application for "how can we be joyful when we're really sad?" So incredibly fitting for where I am right now.
Tomorrow, our little man, Cole turns 4! I'm not sure how, other than that time sure flies when you stand, looking back on it. Although I'm so happy and blessed by this boy, I have been struggling. I am watching my two boys grow, all the while, there's one little girl missing. It's HARD. I am sad because I don't know what she would look like, or what her little personality would be like. It brings sadness, frustration and sometimes anger. I sit watching my kids play, interacting with one another, look at pictures of them and I see an empty spot- always. I look at Cole and Nathan and wonder how they would both simply adore their sister. I look at Cole, who has seen it all, way too soon and wish I could take it all away, make his sister "be here with him" as he said once when he and Nathan were sitting in a chair together. I would love to not have such skin burning tears to hide from my boys, moments where I literally have to go "wash dishes" or "use the bathroom" to compose myself from their little eyes that are always watching. (Those little guys are so perceptive!) I would much rather be dealing with "diva" behavior than the emptiness I always carry. It has gotten easier to bear, but it never EVER goes away. There's always an ache, every single day, but just as with the ocean, there are high tides and low tides.
When we heard "there's no heartbeat", nearly 3 years ago, all of our hopes and dreams for Olivia went away more quickly than they had come. This is something we have to live with forever, this side of heaven anyways. It's something I could honestly do without, that always wondering, that frustration that comes at not even being able to imagine, or getting mad about having to imagine.
Despite my sadness and more difficult days, I am so very blessed to be able to open my Bible and have God speak to me through his word. I am so thankful for the joy that I can cling to when I'm feeling extra down. It's that kind of joy that takes effort, but it's irreplaceable and it can't be found anywhere other than in the hope of Jesus. God never promised us that our days would be without sorrow and tears, but he sure has promised a one way path to an eternity without all the trouble that this life brings.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Proverbs 17:3
"The refining pot for silver and the furnace for gold, But the Lord tests the hearts." - Proverbs 17:3
Well, I'm going to share because it can't not be shared any longer. Even my devotion today is prompting me to share how truly the loss of Olivia affected our marriage. This is a HUGE mountain to climb. When you lose a child, lots of things suffer, including marriage. In fact, I think it's some outrageous percentage (statistics) of marriages that fail after the loss of a child. Our marriage wasn't exempt because we are believers and because we love God. Satan used such a vulnerable time to try and destroy the bond God created. Thankfully, he didn't succeed.
It wasn't until this spring that our marriage got to a better place. That was a long 2 years of learning better communication, grieving individually and together, and honestly, wanting to make it work. There were so many days (and I'm speaking for myself here) that it would've just been easier to walk away. To walk away from the constant reminder of such a loss (our daughter), to walk away from hurts that arose from the mess (loss can bring out some pretty ugly stuff in the one's we love the most), to walk away from wanting to let God refine us.
Isaac and I have not only dealt with the loss of our Olivia, but we've dealt with the near loss of our marriage. I don't need to include all the details. Those don't matter. I love my husband and he's a wonderful man. Looking back, I really didn't want to go through all this mess to get to where we are, however, God has done a lot to turn our mess into something stronger and more beautiful.
If you're finding yourself in this very same spot in your grief and in your marriage, I am so sorry. It's outright really not fair. At a time when you think you'd just really want to depend on the only other person who shares in what you're going through, you're finding that's really the last person you want to face. I'm not sure why this is, (other than the aforementioned ugly stuff grieving people can do) but I really do understand those feelings.
For me, it wasn't until after we had our rainbow baby and months of extreme sleep deprivation that I got to my breaking point. I didn't realize it when I first sought help, but I was carrying around way too much for one person alone. Then, after we individually talked with others I decided I was just going to start praying for my marriage, praying everyday (which I had never done before) that God would fix the broken pieces and turn our marriage into something better than it had ever been. Two long years later, I can happily say we are in a much better place than I could ask for.
When you feel the heat of the fire, rest assured, that is God refining you, working on making you into a fine piece of gold. He knows the gold is pure when he can look down and see His own reflection. Let Him take the mess of child loss and grief and all that baggage that comes with it, so that He can turn your marriage into something more beautiful.
My prayers for something beautiful ahead for you!
Well, I'm going to share because it can't not be shared any longer. Even my devotion today is prompting me to share how truly the loss of Olivia affected our marriage. This is a HUGE mountain to climb. When you lose a child, lots of things suffer, including marriage. In fact, I think it's some outrageous percentage (statistics) of marriages that fail after the loss of a child. Our marriage wasn't exempt because we are believers and because we love God. Satan used such a vulnerable time to try and destroy the bond God created. Thankfully, he didn't succeed.
It wasn't until this spring that our marriage got to a better place. That was a long 2 years of learning better communication, grieving individually and together, and honestly, wanting to make it work. There were so many days (and I'm speaking for myself here) that it would've just been easier to walk away. To walk away from the constant reminder of such a loss (our daughter), to walk away from hurts that arose from the mess (loss can bring out some pretty ugly stuff in the one's we love the most), to walk away from wanting to let God refine us.
Isaac and I have not only dealt with the loss of our Olivia, but we've dealt with the near loss of our marriage. I don't need to include all the details. Those don't matter. I love my husband and he's a wonderful man. Looking back, I really didn't want to go through all this mess to get to where we are, however, God has done a lot to turn our mess into something stronger and more beautiful.
If you're finding yourself in this very same spot in your grief and in your marriage, I am so sorry. It's outright really not fair. At a time when you think you'd just really want to depend on the only other person who shares in what you're going through, you're finding that's really the last person you want to face. I'm not sure why this is, (other than the aforementioned ugly stuff grieving people can do) but I really do understand those feelings.
For me, it wasn't until after we had our rainbow baby and months of extreme sleep deprivation that I got to my breaking point. I didn't realize it when I first sought help, but I was carrying around way too much for one person alone. Then, after we individually talked with others I decided I was just going to start praying for my marriage, praying everyday (which I had never done before) that God would fix the broken pieces and turn our marriage into something better than it had ever been. Two long years later, I can happily say we are in a much better place than I could ask for.
When you feel the heat of the fire, rest assured, that is God refining you, working on making you into a fine piece of gold. He knows the gold is pure when he can look down and see His own reflection. Let Him take the mess of child loss and grief and all that baggage that comes with it, so that He can turn your marriage into something more beautiful.
My prayers for something beautiful ahead for you!
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Romans 15:13
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may about in hope" - Romans 15:13
It's been too long, yet again since I wrote here. Honestly it's therapeutic for me to crawl in a quiet space and just have time to pour out my emotions. I miss my daughter. It never goes away. She is on my mind just as much as my living children, how can I not miss her? Some days are better than others, but some days I just want to be sad, miserable and angry at not having her here with me. It takes a conscious effort to not fall into that trap and to let myself be filled with joy and peace about knowing I'll get to hold her again someday.
Her 2nd heavenly birthday has come and gone. We spent the day as a family and thankfully it was a beautiful spring day. We got to be outside most of the day. There's something even more special about being outside and in nature after you lose a child. You just tend to notice more of God's beauty and the things that he created. You look for signs that your baby is around, watching down and loving her family. I've never enjoyed planting and dirt, I'm a girly kind of girl. Since losing Olivia, I enjoy planting things and helping my boys discover new things outside, in nature.
Today, it's one week until Nathaniel's 1st birthday. It is so hard to believe that. Some days I have moments where I look at him and am just filled with tears that he's here, he's ours, our 3rd little baby. It's so strange to explain and I'm not really sure I can. Because according to my own plans, he shouldn't be here. As I've learned, never tell God what you will or will not do, can or can not do. It doesn't work that way. I'm so thankful for my babies, all 3. I still have a hard time with God's plan for my life because it has meant I don't raise Olivia and don't get to hug and kiss her (and scold her like I probably would be doing if she were here and 2 years old!) like I can Cole and Nathaniel.
As some may know I've got such a deep passion to help those who walk this path behind me, to offer them support in knowing it's a long road, an exhausting, painful road but that they aren't alone. There are so many of us! It's really gut wrenching. I get emotionally exhausted by the stories other's share with me, when people draw me into their reality of this kind of pain. It's exhausting because I know and understand. I've been there and I continue to face my own reality of life this side of Heaven, missing one so special to me. Don't ever stop sharing with me. I'm not complaining. I'm sharing in your pain, and in your journey of grief. I'm here and I know God loves your precious baby so very much, and he loves you too! May you seek Him to get that hope you need to be filled up with peace, even when it's not easy and when you may not even feel like getting out of bed.
It's been too long, yet again since I wrote here. Honestly it's therapeutic for me to crawl in a quiet space and just have time to pour out my emotions. I miss my daughter. It never goes away. She is on my mind just as much as my living children, how can I not miss her? Some days are better than others, but some days I just want to be sad, miserable and angry at not having her here with me. It takes a conscious effort to not fall into that trap and to let myself be filled with joy and peace about knowing I'll get to hold her again someday.
Her 2nd heavenly birthday has come and gone. We spent the day as a family and thankfully it was a beautiful spring day. We got to be outside most of the day. There's something even more special about being outside and in nature after you lose a child. You just tend to notice more of God's beauty and the things that he created. You look for signs that your baby is around, watching down and loving her family. I've never enjoyed planting and dirt, I'm a girly kind of girl. Since losing Olivia, I enjoy planting things and helping my boys discover new things outside, in nature.
Today, it's one week until Nathaniel's 1st birthday. It is so hard to believe that. Some days I have moments where I look at him and am just filled with tears that he's here, he's ours, our 3rd little baby. It's so strange to explain and I'm not really sure I can. Because according to my own plans, he shouldn't be here. As I've learned, never tell God what you will or will not do, can or can not do. It doesn't work that way. I'm so thankful for my babies, all 3. I still have a hard time with God's plan for my life because it has meant I don't raise Olivia and don't get to hug and kiss her (and scold her like I probably would be doing if she were here and 2 years old!) like I can Cole and Nathaniel.
As some may know I've got such a deep passion to help those who walk this path behind me, to offer them support in knowing it's a long road, an exhausting, painful road but that they aren't alone. There are so many of us! It's really gut wrenching. I get emotionally exhausted by the stories other's share with me, when people draw me into their reality of this kind of pain. It's exhausting because I know and understand. I've been there and I continue to face my own reality of life this side of Heaven, missing one so special to me. Don't ever stop sharing with me. I'm not complaining. I'm sharing in your pain, and in your journey of grief. I'm here and I know God loves your precious baby so very much, and he loves you too! May you seek Him to get that hope you need to be filled up with peace, even when it's not easy and when you may not even feel like getting out of bed.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Psalm 127:3
"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward." - Psalm 127:3
This past week Cole and I shared a conversation that I am going to try and recall using his words as I don't want to ever forget his 3 year old mind. It started as we were in the car, on our way to buy a new baby gate to block off our upstairs. Nathaniel, a determined little man climbs right up them with no problem now. I was reminding Cole that we had to replace the gate because Isaac had broken the last one when "My tummy had a boo boo" (When I had my appendix out).
Cole, for some reason relates my tummy ever being sick to me having a baby inside. So he asked about that and I re-explained that it wasn't a baby making me sick, I had a boo boo and the doctor had to fix it.
Then, my sweet little boy goes on to say that he'd like mommy and daddy to "have two more babies, no just a one more, a girl one." So I listened as he went on to tell me "I saw a baby girl in mommy and daddy's bed yesterday". I asked "you did? what was she doing?" Cole says "She was laughing". I asked "what was her name?"
Cole: "I don't know"
Me: "What color was her hair?"
Cole: "brown like Nathan's"
Me: "What color were her eyes?"
Cole: "blue like all of us."
Me: "What were you doing with her?"
Cole: "tickling her, she was laughing."
That conversation was over, then two days later he brings it up again. Although I can't recall what started it this time. We were eating supper and Cole starts...
Cole: "just like I told you about the baby in mommy and daddy's bed yesterday (everything is yesterday to him) when we were in the car."
Me: "Yes, Cole, did she have a name?"
Cole: "Olivia"
Me: "Olivia?"
Cole: "Yes, she sleeps in bed with you every night, you tuck her in."
Me: "Oh, thank you, Cole. I would love that so much."
This kid just amazes me. I don't know how or why he told me this story, but I take it as God's promise that our baby girl is with us all the time. He used our 3 year old blessing to relay that to me and I'm so thankful for the gift he is to our lives'.
This past week Cole and I shared a conversation that I am going to try and recall using his words as I don't want to ever forget his 3 year old mind. It started as we were in the car, on our way to buy a new baby gate to block off our upstairs. Nathaniel, a determined little man climbs right up them with no problem now. I was reminding Cole that we had to replace the gate because Isaac had broken the last one when "My tummy had a boo boo" (When I had my appendix out).
Cole, for some reason relates my tummy ever being sick to me having a baby inside. So he asked about that and I re-explained that it wasn't a baby making me sick, I had a boo boo and the doctor had to fix it.
Then, my sweet little boy goes on to say that he'd like mommy and daddy to "have two more babies, no just a one more, a girl one." So I listened as he went on to tell me "I saw a baby girl in mommy and daddy's bed yesterday". I asked "you did? what was she doing?" Cole says "She was laughing". I asked "what was her name?"
Cole: "I don't know"
Me: "What color was her hair?"
Cole: "brown like Nathan's"
Me: "What color were her eyes?"
Cole: "blue like all of us."
Me: "What were you doing with her?"
Cole: "tickling her, she was laughing."
That conversation was over, then two days later he brings it up again. Although I can't recall what started it this time. We were eating supper and Cole starts...
Cole: "just like I told you about the baby in mommy and daddy's bed yesterday (everything is yesterday to him) when we were in the car."
Me: "Yes, Cole, did she have a name?"
Cole: "Olivia"
Me: "Olivia?"
Cole: "Yes, she sleeps in bed with you every night, you tuck her in."
Me: "Oh, thank you, Cole. I would love that so much."
This kid just amazes me. I don't know how or why he told me this story, but I take it as God's promise that our baby girl is with us all the time. He used our 3 year old blessing to relay that to me and I'm so thankful for the gift he is to our lives'.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Psalm 121
"I lift up my eyes to the hills--where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip-he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you- the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm- he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." Psalm 121
I am so very ready for this long, cold winter to be over. I have struggled so much over the last couple of months with anxiety and depression. In part, due to lack of sleep (little man who didn't learn to sleep well until just recently). But mostly because this time of year has just become a very hard time, a time of anticipation of another year passed.
We're coming up on Cole's 3rd birthday. I look at him and I get so sad because we're missing someone in our home. Someone who would be just 13 months behind him. There isn't a single day that I don't ache for that sweet girl. I struggle because so many people around me talk of making their family's "complete" with X amount of children (for some reason I can't get away from that conversation). I'll never know what that feels like on this side of the veil. That is such a hang up for me, I admit that. It hurts.
As I sit and type this now, I can hear the birds chirping outside, although it's still very cold, it's a sign that spring is coming. A time for life and growth. It's become an oxymoron for me. We lost our daughter during that time almost 2 years ago. Many people may not remember or even realize, our little Olivia took her last breath on Good Friday 2 years ago, we left her tiny, cold body with unfamiliar people in the hospital on Easter Sunday of 2012. We're follower's of Christ, that is an emotional time of year as it is. It is symbolic to us to know that she is ALIVE in Christ, and that it happened at that time of year, but it makes Easter all that more emotional for us.
That anxiety I mentioned hits me at night, when I wake either on my own or because of one of our boys. I'm all of a sudden left with flashbacks of those few days, the last day she was alive in my womb, the day we found out we lost her, my labor and delivery and our time with her, then the weeks following. There are so many dates that are engrained in my mind around the loss of her. Two years later, it is still such a horrible heartache and the guilty feelings that satan places in my mind are sometimes too much. Yes life has gotten easier with time, but there is just still so much sadness.
I'm thankful for the reminders from my support system and from God Himself that he is and will always be my help. When I'm closest to Him, I'm allowing Him to comfort me. He knows all my hurts and each tear that runs down my face. What an amazing thought. So can't wait until that day when I get to meet Him face to face and not have any of this sadness or heartache ever again. To be joyful and filled with happiness! To have all of my family with me and feel "complete".
I am so very ready for this long, cold winter to be over. I have struggled so much over the last couple of months with anxiety and depression. In part, due to lack of sleep (little man who didn't learn to sleep well until just recently). But mostly because this time of year has just become a very hard time, a time of anticipation of another year passed.
We're coming up on Cole's 3rd birthday. I look at him and I get so sad because we're missing someone in our home. Someone who would be just 13 months behind him. There isn't a single day that I don't ache for that sweet girl. I struggle because so many people around me talk of making their family's "complete" with X amount of children (for some reason I can't get away from that conversation). I'll never know what that feels like on this side of the veil. That is such a hang up for me, I admit that. It hurts.
As I sit and type this now, I can hear the birds chirping outside, although it's still very cold, it's a sign that spring is coming. A time for life and growth. It's become an oxymoron for me. We lost our daughter during that time almost 2 years ago. Many people may not remember or even realize, our little Olivia took her last breath on Good Friday 2 years ago, we left her tiny, cold body with unfamiliar people in the hospital on Easter Sunday of 2012. We're follower's of Christ, that is an emotional time of year as it is. It is symbolic to us to know that she is ALIVE in Christ, and that it happened at that time of year, but it makes Easter all that more emotional for us.
That anxiety I mentioned hits me at night, when I wake either on my own or because of one of our boys. I'm all of a sudden left with flashbacks of those few days, the last day she was alive in my womb, the day we found out we lost her, my labor and delivery and our time with her, then the weeks following. There are so many dates that are engrained in my mind around the loss of her. Two years later, it is still such a horrible heartache and the guilty feelings that satan places in my mind are sometimes too much. Yes life has gotten easier with time, but there is just still so much sadness.
I'm thankful for the reminders from my support system and from God Himself that he is and will always be my help. When I'm closest to Him, I'm allowing Him to comfort me. He knows all my hurts and each tear that runs down my face. What an amazing thought. So can't wait until that day when I get to meet Him face to face and not have any of this sadness or heartache ever again. To be joyful and filled with happiness! To have all of my family with me and feel "complete".
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Colossians 1:11-12
"being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light." Colossians 1:11-12
Again, It has been longer than I'd like since I last wrote here. The holidays have come and gone and I'm gearing up emotionally for another 1 year anniversary since our precious Olivia was born sleeping. After the roller coaster of emotions through the holidays I seem to have a little reprieve, while I think of Isaac's birthday and then Cole's, all the while thinking about the little girl we have who will be celebrating her birth in Heaven, having the best kind of party I could ever imagine, I'm sure.
This post is about the amazing grace and mercy God can and DOES show. Today we got to meet our great friends' new baby girl. We have been praying diligently for them since 2011 when they started on their journey to begin growing their family. It was not an easy journey for them, but their faith and hope in what God was doing in their lives' has brought them to where they are now, loving and caring for their sweet little girl. We could not be more happy for them!
So, what am I referring to when I say God shows grace and mercy? Well, having lost our baby girl, seeing other baby girls brings to the surface those very raw emotions of what we have gone through and continue to go through. It brings back the not so easy to deal with questions of "why?" In short, seeing baby girls cause my heart to hurt just a little bit more, not out of envy or jealousy but out of just a deep longing for my own daughter.
Today, in knowing we'd be going (and wanting) to go visit them I decided to have a little talk with my Olivia. Whether it was in my head or her presence nearby (I have to believe she's always around), something changed in my heart and mind. It was as if I was finally able to stop feeling guilty about the idea of holding a baby girl. By God's grace, I was able to go to a store, go to the baby girl clothing and buy something for a baby girl and not feel some kind of impending doom so to speak (Yes, seriously!) Later on, at the hospital, God showed me that same grace and mercy, and I was able to hold and admire their precious little miracle, and again I didn't feel guilty or sick to my stomach, I didn't even have to think twice about holding her and admiring her, a baby girl.
To our dear friends, we are sharing in the joy of your new adventure- parenthood. We are sharing in the joy of your baby girl and giving thanks to God for the little miracle that she is! She is so precious and we love her, and you! <3
Again, It has been longer than I'd like since I last wrote here. The holidays have come and gone and I'm gearing up emotionally for another 1 year anniversary since our precious Olivia was born sleeping. After the roller coaster of emotions through the holidays I seem to have a little reprieve, while I think of Isaac's birthday and then Cole's, all the while thinking about the little girl we have who will be celebrating her birth in Heaven, having the best kind of party I could ever imagine, I'm sure.
This post is about the amazing grace and mercy God can and DOES show. Today we got to meet our great friends' new baby girl. We have been praying diligently for them since 2011 when they started on their journey to begin growing their family. It was not an easy journey for them, but their faith and hope in what God was doing in their lives' has brought them to where they are now, loving and caring for their sweet little girl. We could not be more happy for them!
So, what am I referring to when I say God shows grace and mercy? Well, having lost our baby girl, seeing other baby girls brings to the surface those very raw emotions of what we have gone through and continue to go through. It brings back the not so easy to deal with questions of "why?" In short, seeing baby girls cause my heart to hurt just a little bit more, not out of envy or jealousy but out of just a deep longing for my own daughter.
Today, in knowing we'd be going (and wanting) to go visit them I decided to have a little talk with my Olivia. Whether it was in my head or her presence nearby (I have to believe she's always around), something changed in my heart and mind. It was as if I was finally able to stop feeling guilty about the idea of holding a baby girl. By God's grace, I was able to go to a store, go to the baby girl clothing and buy something for a baby girl and not feel some kind of impending doom so to speak (Yes, seriously!) Later on, at the hospital, God showed me that same grace and mercy, and I was able to hold and admire their precious little miracle, and again I didn't feel guilty or sick to my stomach, I didn't even have to think twice about holding her and admiring her, a baby girl.
To our dear friends, we are sharing in the joy of your new adventure- parenthood. We are sharing in the joy of your baby girl and giving thanks to God for the little miracle that she is! She is so precious and we love her, and you! <3
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Joshua 1:9
" Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."- Joshua 1:9
Way too much time has passed since I've last written here. It seems, each time I intend to sit down and write, someone (a small toddler or little baby boy) or something has stopped me.
I am sitting here, writing today, as it's nice and quiet in my home right now, while both boys are napping.
Entering into the holiday season has caught me off-guard. I am thankful to be able to recognize where my mood is coming from, but it doesn't make the emotions easier to deal with. Simply, I miss a little girl that should be here with us just so much. I struggle to imagine that this time of year is going to be so hard year after year. I am struggling because I look at Nathaniel and realize, it's because we don't have Olivia, that he is here. I don't know what to do with those thoughts, because, really I just want both of them, here, not one without the other and not one looking down from heaven.
I'm also feeling burdened because I feel like so many people who know our story directly or indirectly are so fearful for their own pregnancies and either avoid us like the plague or look to us for encouragement. Those who are "afraid" of us, stillbirth is not contagious. Truth is, what happened to us, does happen to way too many people, 1% of all pregnancies in fact (seems like a small percentage), but just think of how many pregnancies there are in this country alone at any given time. Please, when you think of my family, and the little baby girl we lost, stop being so fearful of the unknown and just use it as a reminder to go be checked if you have doubts or a feeling that something might not be right. Pregnancy after stillbirth absolutely proved to be less joyful for us, however instead of letting it steal your own joy from your own pregnancy, embrace the knowledge you now have from learning from our story. For anyone who has reached out to me for encouragement, please continue, that is what I'm here for. Although, please remember I don't always have good days. Ours is a story of loss and hope, but it definitely has a lot of rocky moments, days, weeks.
Way too much time has passed since I've last written here. It seems, each time I intend to sit down and write, someone (a small toddler or little baby boy) or something has stopped me.
I am sitting here, writing today, as it's nice and quiet in my home right now, while both boys are napping.
Entering into the holiday season has caught me off-guard. I am thankful to be able to recognize where my mood is coming from, but it doesn't make the emotions easier to deal with. Simply, I miss a little girl that should be here with us just so much. I struggle to imagine that this time of year is going to be so hard year after year. I am struggling because I look at Nathaniel and realize, it's because we don't have Olivia, that he is here. I don't know what to do with those thoughts, because, really I just want both of them, here, not one without the other and not one looking down from heaven.
I'm also feeling burdened because I feel like so many people who know our story directly or indirectly are so fearful for their own pregnancies and either avoid us like the plague or look to us for encouragement. Those who are "afraid" of us, stillbirth is not contagious. Truth is, what happened to us, does happen to way too many people, 1% of all pregnancies in fact (seems like a small percentage), but just think of how many pregnancies there are in this country alone at any given time. Please, when you think of my family, and the little baby girl we lost, stop being so fearful of the unknown and just use it as a reminder to go be checked if you have doubts or a feeling that something might not be right. Pregnancy after stillbirth absolutely proved to be less joyful for us, however instead of letting it steal your own joy from your own pregnancy, embrace the knowledge you now have from learning from our story. For anyone who has reached out to me for encouragement, please continue, that is what I'm here for. Although, please remember I don't always have good days. Ours is a story of loss and hope, but it definitely has a lot of rocky moments, days, weeks.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Philipians 1:3
"I thank my God every time I remember you." Philipians 1:3
I'm having one of those "feeling sorry for myself" times today. I am so overjoyed listening to my little Nathaniel's sweet baby talk and could honestly listen to it 24/7. He happens to be a chatter box just like Cole. However, today as I sit with him on my legs looking at me, talking to me, I was overwhelmed with just missing Olivia and being reminded of all we missed and will continue to miss with her. We never got to hear her sweet voice and as a parent that cuts to the core. We will constantly be missing her and it is hard to be prepared for what will cause those moments of grief to be stronger than others'. It seems to come out of no where. Whenever I think of her, truly just sit and think of her (because I have to say I think of her all day long as I do of my boys), it manages to bring tears to my eyes, an ache in my heart but a smile in my mind because I know she is in the best place imaginable and I will get to be with her again someday, for all of eternity and that makes me thank God for her; ever short life, despite my missing and longing for her now.
I'm having one of those "feeling sorry for myself" times today. I am so overjoyed listening to my little Nathaniel's sweet baby talk and could honestly listen to it 24/7. He happens to be a chatter box just like Cole. However, today as I sit with him on my legs looking at me, talking to me, I was overwhelmed with just missing Olivia and being reminded of all we missed and will continue to miss with her. We never got to hear her sweet voice and as a parent that cuts to the core. We will constantly be missing her and it is hard to be prepared for what will cause those moments of grief to be stronger than others'. It seems to come out of no where. Whenever I think of her, truly just sit and think of her (because I have to say I think of her all day long as I do of my boys), it manages to bring tears to my eyes, an ache in my heart but a smile in my mind because I know she is in the best place imaginable and I will get to be with her again someday, for all of eternity and that makes me thank God for her; ever short life, despite my missing and longing for her now.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Ecclesiastes 3:1,4
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance"- Ecclesiastes 3:1,4
One month in of having a newborn, our rainbow baby, Nathaniel I am missing our baby Olivia a lot. As he grows and does new baby things, I am reminded of everything we missed with her, and will continue to miss out on. I have guilty feelings as a mom as I have not visited the cemetery often at all this spring/summer and I hate those feelings. I don't want to have to leave my home to feel like I am loving and aware of all of my babies. Yet at the same time, I would love to be able to spend more time at the cemetery, alone or with my boys so that Cole will continue to speak about Olivia and Nathaniel will come to learn of her. I feel guilty that I haven't taken the time to put flowers at her grave, and frustrated by the fact that I am just busy with home life.
I came across this verse and I am trying to take comfort in the fact that she would want us to enjoy her baby brother and to remember that we will have an eternity with her someday.
I guess I would also like it to be made known that Olivia's baby brother does not take away the constant feelings of missing her. I have a great sense of relief to be holding Nathaniel in my arms yet it is also a reminder of the baby I miss everyday.
Going forward I am going to try to be easier on myself and remember that just as I weep and mourn for Olivia, it is ok to laugh and dance or celebrate life with Cole and Nathaniel and let go of guilty feelings.
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance"- Ecclesiastes 3:1,4
One month in of having a newborn, our rainbow baby, Nathaniel I am missing our baby Olivia a lot. As he grows and does new baby things, I am reminded of everything we missed with her, and will continue to miss out on. I have guilty feelings as a mom as I have not visited the cemetery often at all this spring/summer and I hate those feelings. I don't want to have to leave my home to feel like I am loving and aware of all of my babies. Yet at the same time, I would love to be able to spend more time at the cemetery, alone or with my boys so that Cole will continue to speak about Olivia and Nathaniel will come to learn of her. I feel guilty that I haven't taken the time to put flowers at her grave, and frustrated by the fact that I am just busy with home life.
I came across this verse and I am trying to take comfort in the fact that she would want us to enjoy her baby brother and to remember that we will have an eternity with her someday.
I guess I would also like it to be made known that Olivia's baby brother does not take away the constant feelings of missing her. I have a great sense of relief to be holding Nathaniel in my arms yet it is also a reminder of the baby I miss everyday.
Going forward I am going to try to be easier on myself and remember that just as I weep and mourn for Olivia, it is ok to laugh and dance or celebrate life with Cole and Nathaniel and let go of guilty feelings.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Psalm 139:13
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb." - Psalm 139:13
Our little Nathaniel Josiah was born healthy and very much alive on June 12, 2013 at 11:43 pm. It was a very long day, as I was induced. We wondered if he was going to be a June 13th baby. Both Isaac and I had an understood anxiety that day, praying and hoping for a great outcome- a living baby who we would get to bring home to care for and raise. As the day dragged on and delivery become more imminent, that feeling grew stronger, after all, we are all to well aware of problems that can arise all the way up until the end. They were monitoring him for most of the day, later in the day the nurse mentioned some deceleration in his heart beat, for which the resident saw outside the room on a monitor and came in. They gave me some oxygen to help him and it stopped. I honestly don't remember the reason for it, all I cared about was that it stopped. I am sure I was just a little anxious, ok maybe more than a little! This did provoke some questions on our part for which we learned that a baby's heartbeat never just stops suddenly, it is a slow, gradual decline. This just made me wonder about our Olivia, and that forever burning question of what went wrong?
When Nathaniel was born, I panicked because he did not cry immediately. He had a lot of fluid that needed to be suctioned out of his mouth. Once he cried I felt overwhelmed with relief, that we had made it and love for this little rainbow baby of ours. He laid on me for a few minutes but I was too worried he was gurgling fluid- I requested the nurses take him until I could sit up. After I was able to calm down, I lay there in awe at how God had blessed us after the most difficult time of our lives, losing our precious baby girl one year ago. I also was able to let go of that thought in the back of my mind that something was going to happen to me this time around. I tried hard not to think about it, or bring it up but it was there throughout this pregnancy. I didn't once have a feeling of fear for myself, it was more of a sadness for Isaac and Cole if anything did happen.
The hospital stay was shortened because of my request to be discharged early. I just wanted to take our baby and go home to our little Cole.
The emotions around having had Nathaniel have been difficult at times. When he sleeps, we check him a zillion times because the appearance of a sleeping baby scares us a lot. When I look at him, I am reminded of Olivia and that our not having her, has brought us him. When he cries, I smile or can often laugh because it is the most beautiful sound to my ears. When the four of us are together, I am saddened because there should be one more. The feeling that some have that their family will not be complete until such and such - we will forever feel. No additional future children will take that feeling away.
Having Nathaniel has restored in us the joy in childbirth. It has played a big part in helping to heal our hearts a little more. We are so very thankful for this precious blessing from God, yet continue to grieve the loss of our Olivia.
Our little Nathaniel Josiah was born healthy and very much alive on June 12, 2013 at 11:43 pm. It was a very long day, as I was induced. We wondered if he was going to be a June 13th baby. Both Isaac and I had an understood anxiety that day, praying and hoping for a great outcome- a living baby who we would get to bring home to care for and raise. As the day dragged on and delivery become more imminent, that feeling grew stronger, after all, we are all to well aware of problems that can arise all the way up until the end. They were monitoring him for most of the day, later in the day the nurse mentioned some deceleration in his heart beat, for which the resident saw outside the room on a monitor and came in. They gave me some oxygen to help him and it stopped. I honestly don't remember the reason for it, all I cared about was that it stopped. I am sure I was just a little anxious, ok maybe more than a little! This did provoke some questions on our part for which we learned that a baby's heartbeat never just stops suddenly, it is a slow, gradual decline. This just made me wonder about our Olivia, and that forever burning question of what went wrong?
When Nathaniel was born, I panicked because he did not cry immediately. He had a lot of fluid that needed to be suctioned out of his mouth. Once he cried I felt overwhelmed with relief, that we had made it and love for this little rainbow baby of ours. He laid on me for a few minutes but I was too worried he was gurgling fluid- I requested the nurses take him until I could sit up. After I was able to calm down, I lay there in awe at how God had blessed us after the most difficult time of our lives, losing our precious baby girl one year ago. I also was able to let go of that thought in the back of my mind that something was going to happen to me this time around. I tried hard not to think about it, or bring it up but it was there throughout this pregnancy. I didn't once have a feeling of fear for myself, it was more of a sadness for Isaac and Cole if anything did happen.
The hospital stay was shortened because of my request to be discharged early. I just wanted to take our baby and go home to our little Cole.
The emotions around having had Nathaniel have been difficult at times. When he sleeps, we check him a zillion times because the appearance of a sleeping baby scares us a lot. When I look at him, I am reminded of Olivia and that our not having her, has brought us him. When he cries, I smile or can often laugh because it is the most beautiful sound to my ears. When the four of us are together, I am saddened because there should be one more. The feeling that some have that their family will not be complete until such and such - we will forever feel. No additional future children will take that feeling away.
Having Nathaniel has restored in us the joy in childbirth. It has played a big part in helping to heal our hearts a little more. We are so very thankful for this precious blessing from God, yet continue to grieve the loss of our Olivia.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Psalm 31:14-15
"I am trusting you O Lord, saying "You are my God!" My future is in your hands." Psalm 31:14-15
Isaac and I recently finished a year long devotion we had been given after losing Olivia. The last chapter was titled Letting Go. There was a particular part of that weeks chapter that stuck with me, and after my scary OB appointment yesterday with an ultrasound tech who was saying all the wrong things it's ringing in my mind again today. We (I) have to let go and embrace the peace only God can provide. We can't let go of certain things and not others, we have to give it ALL to Him to fully feel the freedom his care provides us with.
Yesterday, at just another one of my bi-weekly appointments, with a biophysical profile (bpp) first, I was disappointed to find out it was not with the tech that is always overly reassuring. This tech was someone we had, had a problem with a few weeks ago, but not bad enough to warrant us to request to never have her again. She brought me into a new room she had moved to, the table was new and really awkward, and she didn't have the t.v. monitor set up in her room yet so I was unable to see the ultrasound like usual. She began the BPP, and immediately said "oh his head is over here today" (transverse position). She seemed to think this was funny and continued to talk about this. I started getting panicky because she seemed to be aimlessly moving around my belly. I finally asked "um is there a heartbeat?!" She then moved to that, however it was lower (still in normal range) than it usually has been. Then she continued to comment about how he was not in the right position. She wasn't moving on to the rest of the test, or at least not talking me through what she was doing. Then she started asking "has he been moving around?" "did you eat something before coming?" "I'm going to go get you a juice box". I asked her, panicked of course what she was seeing and she said "He's not moving a little bit here."...UMMMM what does that mean?! To me, my glass was half empty, I interpreted that as he was not moving. I of course couldn't control the tear flow at this point, and she was attempting to console me, saying she didn't mean to upset me. While she left the room to get the juice box and tissues I was just laying there feeling a wave of emotions; extreme panic, fear, denial, and flashbacks to hearing we'd lost Olivia. It was not at all what I had expected to face that day.
To get to the outcome, Nathaniel scored perfectly on the bpp, even though it took longer to get the results than it has up to this point. I was told it was probably due to his position. My OB calmed me down, and we discussed any options that I may be faced with if he does not return to vertex position. Thankfully my own doctor is on call all weekend and at the hospital all of next week so I will not have to deal with any doctor who does not know my history and who will not treat me with sensitivity.
I am scheduled to be induced in 1 week when I will be 39 weeks pregnant. This is the standard of care set by the hospital for someone like myself who has lost a baby in the past but has not had a complicated subsequent pregnancy. I know God is in control, and he has a plan that is just for Nathaniel and myself. I am not scared by any means to have a c-section. I just want him in my arms and out of my womb. This last week is going to feel longer than the whole 9 months has felt. It is a sad feeling but a reality of a mom who has lost a baby to feel that her baby will be more safe once born than inside of her. I will be repeating the above verse to myself all week long, as I struggle with the fear of losing this baby too.
Isaac and I recently finished a year long devotion we had been given after losing Olivia. The last chapter was titled Letting Go. There was a particular part of that weeks chapter that stuck with me, and after my scary OB appointment yesterday with an ultrasound tech who was saying all the wrong things it's ringing in my mind again today. We (I) have to let go and embrace the peace only God can provide. We can't let go of certain things and not others, we have to give it ALL to Him to fully feel the freedom his care provides us with.
Yesterday, at just another one of my bi-weekly appointments, with a biophysical profile (bpp) first, I was disappointed to find out it was not with the tech that is always overly reassuring. This tech was someone we had, had a problem with a few weeks ago, but not bad enough to warrant us to request to never have her again. She brought me into a new room she had moved to, the table was new and really awkward, and she didn't have the t.v. monitor set up in her room yet so I was unable to see the ultrasound like usual. She began the BPP, and immediately said "oh his head is over here today" (transverse position). She seemed to think this was funny and continued to talk about this. I started getting panicky because she seemed to be aimlessly moving around my belly. I finally asked "um is there a heartbeat?!" She then moved to that, however it was lower (still in normal range) than it usually has been. Then she continued to comment about how he was not in the right position. She wasn't moving on to the rest of the test, or at least not talking me through what she was doing. Then she started asking "has he been moving around?" "did you eat something before coming?" "I'm going to go get you a juice box". I asked her, panicked of course what she was seeing and she said "He's not moving a little bit here."...UMMMM what does that mean?! To me, my glass was half empty, I interpreted that as he was not moving. I of course couldn't control the tear flow at this point, and she was attempting to console me, saying she didn't mean to upset me. While she left the room to get the juice box and tissues I was just laying there feeling a wave of emotions; extreme panic, fear, denial, and flashbacks to hearing we'd lost Olivia. It was not at all what I had expected to face that day.
To get to the outcome, Nathaniel scored perfectly on the bpp, even though it took longer to get the results than it has up to this point. I was told it was probably due to his position. My OB calmed me down, and we discussed any options that I may be faced with if he does not return to vertex position. Thankfully my own doctor is on call all weekend and at the hospital all of next week so I will not have to deal with any doctor who does not know my history and who will not treat me with sensitivity.
I am scheduled to be induced in 1 week when I will be 39 weeks pregnant. This is the standard of care set by the hospital for someone like myself who has lost a baby in the past but has not had a complicated subsequent pregnancy. I know God is in control, and he has a plan that is just for Nathaniel and myself. I am not scared by any means to have a c-section. I just want him in my arms and out of my womb. This last week is going to feel longer than the whole 9 months has felt. It is a sad feeling but a reality of a mom who has lost a baby to feel that her baby will be more safe once born than inside of her. I will be repeating the above verse to myself all week long, as I struggle with the fear of losing this baby too.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Matthew 16:21-22
"Jesus began to tell his disciples plainly that he had to go to Jerusalem, and he told them what would happen to him there. He would be killed, and he would be raised on the third day. But Peter took him aside and corrected him. "Heaven forbid, Lord," He said. "This will never happen to you!" "- Matthew 16:21-22
The above verses come from the devotional Isaac and I are reading. Below I will share a particular reading we recently read as I feel it explains the idea of suffering and that question so many have of "why me?" or "why do bad things happen to good people?"
"This baby will be fine. God wouldn't ask you to go through this again!" our friends said. We told only a handful of close friends that I was pregnant as we waited for the prenatal test results. These were godly people who loved us, and they just couldn't imagine that we might have to endure the heartbreak of loving and losing another child.
I think this was the same sentiment that caused Peter to respond to Jesus' words about his coming death by saying, in essence, "Don't even say it! Surely God's plan for you could not involve a cross!" Peter loved Jesus, and he didn't want him to suffer. But Jesus responded by telling Peter that he was seeing things merely from a human point of view and not from God's perspective. "If any of you wants to be my follower. you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross, and follow me," Jesus said (Matthew 6:24)
The disciples knew well what taking up a cross meant. They had seen condemned criminals compelled to carry their instruments of suffering and death. We want to say to Jesus on their behalf and our own, "Surely God's plan for my life does not have to include a cross!"
What is Jesus saying here about what God wants? Does he want you to suffer? Lamentations says that "he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow" (Lamentations 3:33). It's not that he wants you to suffer, but Jesus knows that following him may require that you suffer for his sake. He is willing for you to suffer because he's seen the other side. He has the benefit of the complete picture, the long view. He's seen the glory ahead for those who are willing to carry their cross, and he wants to share it all with you. He wants you to experience the deep satisfaction that comes only from heeding his call to a crucified life. He wants you to experience the mysterious and amazing joy of taking up your cross and following him.
As I am nearing the end of this pregnancy with Nathaniel, I find myself thinking that same thing as stated above, God wouldn't possibly allow us to lose another baby. I stop those thoughts and try to focus on the present moment and how far we've come since losing Olivia. I know God is not cruel and does not intend for us to suffer and have pain, however his desire is for us to follow him and walk closely with him. If suffering is the way his plans will come to fruition, then he does and will allow suffering. However, if we choose to cling to him, and follow him through the tragedies and difficulties of this life, we can rest assured that we will enjoy the PERFECT life we have to look forward to; eternity with Jesus.
The above verses come from the devotional Isaac and I are reading. Below I will share a particular reading we recently read as I feel it explains the idea of suffering and that question so many have of "why me?" or "why do bad things happen to good people?"
"This baby will be fine. God wouldn't ask you to go through this again!" our friends said. We told only a handful of close friends that I was pregnant as we waited for the prenatal test results. These were godly people who loved us, and they just couldn't imagine that we might have to endure the heartbreak of loving and losing another child.
I think this was the same sentiment that caused Peter to respond to Jesus' words about his coming death by saying, in essence, "Don't even say it! Surely God's plan for you could not involve a cross!" Peter loved Jesus, and he didn't want him to suffer. But Jesus responded by telling Peter that he was seeing things merely from a human point of view and not from God's perspective. "If any of you wants to be my follower. you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross, and follow me," Jesus said (Matthew 6:24)
The disciples knew well what taking up a cross meant. They had seen condemned criminals compelled to carry their instruments of suffering and death. We want to say to Jesus on their behalf and our own, "Surely God's plan for my life does not have to include a cross!"
What is Jesus saying here about what God wants? Does he want you to suffer? Lamentations says that "he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow" (Lamentations 3:33). It's not that he wants you to suffer, but Jesus knows that following him may require that you suffer for his sake. He is willing for you to suffer because he's seen the other side. He has the benefit of the complete picture, the long view. He's seen the glory ahead for those who are willing to carry their cross, and he wants to share it all with you. He wants you to experience the deep satisfaction that comes only from heeding his call to a crucified life. He wants you to experience the mysterious and amazing joy of taking up your cross and following him.
As I am nearing the end of this pregnancy with Nathaniel, I find myself thinking that same thing as stated above, God wouldn't possibly allow us to lose another baby. I stop those thoughts and try to focus on the present moment and how far we've come since losing Olivia. I know God is not cruel and does not intend for us to suffer and have pain, however his desire is for us to follow him and walk closely with him. If suffering is the way his plans will come to fruition, then he does and will allow suffering. However, if we choose to cling to him, and follow him through the tragedies and difficulties of this life, we can rest assured that we will enjoy the PERFECT life we have to look forward to; eternity with Jesus.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Micah 7:18-19
" Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives our transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us, you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea." - Micah 7:18-19
I have passed the 32 week point in this pregnancy, which was the point at which Olivia was born. Although it's been a relief it is still a day to day worry and fear that I strive to let God take from me.
Lately, I have been hearing a lot of those stupid type of comments that I faced a year ago. For example, someone saying to Cole "Oh you're going to be a big brother?! Are you excited?" It takes restraint on my part to say something smart back.
I've heard while being approached by someone who fully knows of my loss "Oh, hi mommy-to-be for the second time...".
The most obnoxious comment I have received was from a nurse in the hospital when I went in to be monitored. While asking my obstetrical history she interrupts and says "Oh well you just have no luck huh?" This was before she even hooked me up to the monitor to be sure I wasn't the bearer of more "bad luck". Oh, and most recently, a nurse in my OB office saying "Why are we seeing you so often, do you have diabetes?"
To all of these comments I want to say; Cole is a big brother, he has been since we were expecting Olivia. Nathaniel is #3 and we plan to raise Cole as the big brother of Olivia and him.
I am a mommy-to-be for the third time. I did deliver a real baby last April, it wasn't pretend, believe me!
To that nurse and many of the other medical professionals I have come into contact with, WOW! I'm ashamed and disgusted. Have compassion and a filter on your mouth's might be nice. To those who are medical professionals that work with pregnant women, seek some training with how to speak to those who have had pregnancy/infant loss. It's not an easy path to navigate through, and I can assure you your comments hit hard when spoken with no regard for our sensitive needs and emotions. If we are attempting pregnancy again, we are stressed and emotionally fragile and don't need comments that add to our fear. Oh and read your patient's charts before you meet with them. As a nurse, I would never meet a patient before I knew generally what their history was. It makes you look dumb.
Although this sounds like a rant against people and their stupid comments, it is more me venting as I have not spoken up when I've heard the comments in person. I am in a more forgiving place than I was last year, hearing others' advice or words of comfort. This should serve as education to those who have no clue what it's like to lose a child. You can try to imagine it, but you won't ever be able to comprehend it until it happens to you. Choose your words carefully.
I have passed the 32 week point in this pregnancy, which was the point at which Olivia was born. Although it's been a relief it is still a day to day worry and fear that I strive to let God take from me.
Lately, I have been hearing a lot of those stupid type of comments that I faced a year ago. For example, someone saying to Cole "Oh you're going to be a big brother?! Are you excited?" It takes restraint on my part to say something smart back.
I've heard while being approached by someone who fully knows of my loss "Oh, hi mommy-to-be for the second time...".
The most obnoxious comment I have received was from a nurse in the hospital when I went in to be monitored. While asking my obstetrical history she interrupts and says "Oh well you just have no luck huh?" This was before she even hooked me up to the monitor to be sure I wasn't the bearer of more "bad luck". Oh, and most recently, a nurse in my OB office saying "Why are we seeing you so often, do you have diabetes?"
To all of these comments I want to say; Cole is a big brother, he has been since we were expecting Olivia. Nathaniel is #3 and we plan to raise Cole as the big brother of Olivia and him.
I am a mommy-to-be for the third time. I did deliver a real baby last April, it wasn't pretend, believe me!
To that nurse and many of the other medical professionals I have come into contact with, WOW! I'm ashamed and disgusted. Have compassion and a filter on your mouth's might be nice. To those who are medical professionals that work with pregnant women, seek some training with how to speak to those who have had pregnancy/infant loss. It's not an easy path to navigate through, and I can assure you your comments hit hard when spoken with no regard for our sensitive needs and emotions. If we are attempting pregnancy again, we are stressed and emotionally fragile and don't need comments that add to our fear. Oh and read your patient's charts before you meet with them. As a nurse, I would never meet a patient before I knew generally what their history was. It makes you look dumb.
Although this sounds like a rant against people and their stupid comments, it is more me venting as I have not spoken up when I've heard the comments in person. I am in a more forgiving place than I was last year, hearing others' advice or words of comfort. This should serve as education to those who have no clue what it's like to lose a child. You can try to imagine it, but you won't ever be able to comprehend it until it happens to you. Choose your words carefully.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Romans 8:17-18, Colossians 3:1-2
On Olivia's first birthday in Heaven, we had a Celebration of Hope, at the cemetery to remember her and praise God for the promise he has given us through eternal life with Him. Isaac and I thank all who came and supported us. There is nothing more special than seeing that other's remember and think about our little girl even though she wasn't "known" by them.
Below is what I shared at the Celebration of Hope.
"If we are to share His glory, we must also share His suffering. Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will give us later." Romans 8:17-18
April 7th, 2013 one year later. Some days I wonder how I made it, however, I know how I made it. God carried me. It's very true, there's no other way to get through such heartache. I no longer ask God "why". God has truly revealed to me, that HIS son suffered the ultimate pain imaginable. It was His son, Jesus who died on the cross for all of mankind, so that we could have eternal life with Him. We were never promised that this life was going to be easy, and without struggles or in my case such grieving. One year later, I am trying to bring glory to God through the pain I am still dealing with over losing my daughter. I don't imagine the pain of losing a child goes away, ever, but through this, one year later, I can say God has used our little girl's short life to teach us, about Himself and about ourselves'.
The loss of Olivia has stretched my faith in unimaginable ways, yet has, ultimately made it stronger. When you're faced with such a loss, how can you not seek God? I have met a lot of baby loss mom's and families in the last year, and without God, it seems to be much more of a grim path towards healing. There's no hope without God.
I have become a more giving person. It's amazing how many mailings we now get for all sorts of organizations requesting donations. I mostly desire to donate to anything having to do with children, yet can sometimes be caught in a mood to just write a check to whatever comes my way.
I have new passions that I wouldn't have dreamed I would have. I am now part of a life long club, which gains new members every day, more often than you'll ever want to imagine. I have a strong desire to offer support and comfort to new members, and to educate those who are not affected by the kind of loss that gains you membership into this club. I am not afraid to answer the question "how many children do you have?" with a very honest answer.
The biggest most pleasing change in me has been my utter loss of fear about death and dying. It's as if the uncertainty has been lifted from my mind, heart and eyes. Having a child born into the arms of Jesus has given me glimpses into what an amazing life we have to look forward to, an eternity in heaven, with Jesus and all our loved ones'. No more pain, crying, sorrow or worries. This life is fragile and temporary. It's not our jobs as Christians to get comfortable living here on earth. We're here to honor God, and look forward to that day of meeting Him.
So, today, we don't celebrate a birthday in the sense that a birthday is usually celebrated. We're celebrating the life of our daughter and the change God has allowed in our lives'. If it weren't for the short, but very meaningful and unforgettable life of Olivia Taylor Bardsley these changes may not have ever happened. We have a Hope that we can imagine yet can't fathom until it's our turn to meet our Savior face to face. We now live our lives' in great expectation of that day!
"Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your thoughs on the realities of Heaven, where Christ sits at God's right hand in the place of honor and power. Let Heaven fill your thoughts. Do not think only about things down here on earth." Colossians 3:1-2
Below is what I shared at the Celebration of Hope.
"If we are to share His glory, we must also share His suffering. Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will give us later." Romans 8:17-18
April 7th, 2013 one year later. Some days I wonder how I made it, however, I know how I made it. God carried me. It's very true, there's no other way to get through such heartache. I no longer ask God "why". God has truly revealed to me, that HIS son suffered the ultimate pain imaginable. It was His son, Jesus who died on the cross for all of mankind, so that we could have eternal life with Him. We were never promised that this life was going to be easy, and without struggles or in my case such grieving. One year later, I am trying to bring glory to God through the pain I am still dealing with over losing my daughter. I don't imagine the pain of losing a child goes away, ever, but through this, one year later, I can say God has used our little girl's short life to teach us, about Himself and about ourselves'.
The loss of Olivia has stretched my faith in unimaginable ways, yet has, ultimately made it stronger. When you're faced with such a loss, how can you not seek God? I have met a lot of baby loss mom's and families in the last year, and without God, it seems to be much more of a grim path towards healing. There's no hope without God.
I have become a more giving person. It's amazing how many mailings we now get for all sorts of organizations requesting donations. I mostly desire to donate to anything having to do with children, yet can sometimes be caught in a mood to just write a check to whatever comes my way.
I have new passions that I wouldn't have dreamed I would have. I am now part of a life long club, which gains new members every day, more often than you'll ever want to imagine. I have a strong desire to offer support and comfort to new members, and to educate those who are not affected by the kind of loss that gains you membership into this club. I am not afraid to answer the question "how many children do you have?" with a very honest answer.
The biggest most pleasing change in me has been my utter loss of fear about death and dying. It's as if the uncertainty has been lifted from my mind, heart and eyes. Having a child born into the arms of Jesus has given me glimpses into what an amazing life we have to look forward to, an eternity in heaven, with Jesus and all our loved ones'. No more pain, crying, sorrow or worries. This life is fragile and temporary. It's not our jobs as Christians to get comfortable living here on earth. We're here to honor God, and look forward to that day of meeting Him.
So, today, we don't celebrate a birthday in the sense that a birthday is usually celebrated. We're celebrating the life of our daughter and the change God has allowed in our lives'. If it weren't for the short, but very meaningful and unforgettable life of Olivia Taylor Bardsley these changes may not have ever happened. We have a Hope that we can imagine yet can't fathom until it's our turn to meet our Savior face to face. We now live our lives' in great expectation of that day!
"Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your thoughs on the realities of Heaven, where Christ sits at God's right hand in the place of honor and power. Let Heaven fill your thoughts. Do not think only about things down here on earth." Colossians 3:1-2
Thursday, April 4, 2013
1 Peter 4:1
"Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin." 1 Peter 4:1
I am experiencing and going through this week (the week leading up to Olivia's birthday) yet not enjoying one moment of it. I had spent the better half of this past year trying to prepare myself for this time of year, wondering how I would feel and respond and what we would do that's special to remember her. Let's just say, I am incredibly irritable!...mixed with sadness and maybe a few angry feelings along with guilt mixed in. I am confused emotionally as I'm carrying Nathaniel and feeling him move in my womb, thinking back to this time last year and then just really wanting to have Olivia to hug and squeeze right now.
I am scared about April 6th, the last day Olivia's heart beat, scared about April 7th, her birthday and April 8th, the day we said goodbye to her and, well the days after that too. I remember feeling empty physically and emotionally and I'm wondering how I will feel this year with a baby kicking and squirming inside me. Then those thoughts of losing Nathaniel cross my mind too, wondering if it will happen again.
I am brought to the above verse and trying so very hard to keep in mind what God has taught me in the last year, that Jesus suffered, and knows just what I'm going through. Suffering builds endurance and strength to be able to handle...more suffering! Or (what I'm really trying to remember) it builds character and offers the ability to see things in a different light. It changes our perspective on things. Not too much bothers me anymore, other than just dealing with grieving and missing Olivia. I sure don't "sweat the small stuff" in life.
I am experiencing and going through this week (the week leading up to Olivia's birthday) yet not enjoying one moment of it. I had spent the better half of this past year trying to prepare myself for this time of year, wondering how I would feel and respond and what we would do that's special to remember her. Let's just say, I am incredibly irritable!...mixed with sadness and maybe a few angry feelings along with guilt mixed in. I am confused emotionally as I'm carrying Nathaniel and feeling him move in my womb, thinking back to this time last year and then just really wanting to have Olivia to hug and squeeze right now.
I am scared about April 6th, the last day Olivia's heart beat, scared about April 7th, her birthday and April 8th, the day we said goodbye to her and, well the days after that too. I remember feeling empty physically and emotionally and I'm wondering how I will feel this year with a baby kicking and squirming inside me. Then those thoughts of losing Nathaniel cross my mind too, wondering if it will happen again.
I am brought to the above verse and trying so very hard to keep in mind what God has taught me in the last year, that Jesus suffered, and knows just what I'm going through. Suffering builds endurance and strength to be able to handle...more suffering! Or (what I'm really trying to remember) it builds character and offers the ability to see things in a different light. It changes our perspective on things. Not too much bothers me anymore, other than just dealing with grieving and missing Olivia. I sure don't "sweat the small stuff" in life.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Proverbs 30:1
"I am weary, God, but I can prevail." Proverbs 30:1
Last night, I brought up the subject of moving or re-locating the clothes we had for Olivia. They still remain in the closet and drawers in Cole's room (would have been their room together). Although we really haven't bought anything for Nathaniel, my desire to clean and organize has kicked in since Spring has officially begun, and I know we will need the space in the room. I have thought about it, off and on, but instantly seem to shut the idea down. I don't intend to get rid of her things yet as we aren't emotionally ready. We talk about wanting to donate or give them to someone who needs them, but that thought gets shut out too. Seems silly huh? Well it's a very real thought and emotion and it's painful.
We talked about it for about two minutes before I was in tears and Isaac gave me his thoughts of not wanting to do it either. Neither one of us even has the ability to look at those things and the thought of moving them out of the room is heart wrenching.
So, now I am left with the mission of figuring out what to do with her clothes and how and when will the right time be. I try to think of it as, "well every person who loses a loved one has to eventually get rid of the clothes." but then I think "yes, but having to get rid of clothes for a baby you had big dreams for, who you never even got to put in clothes seems a little different and a little bit unfair and not the way things should go." Yes, these are my thoughts, all over clothes.
I do know keeping them where they are is not going to change anything, it's not going to bring our daughter back. It's as if simply moving them from the room that she would have shared with her brother is making it more permanent.
So, for now the clothes will stay where they are...
Last night, I brought up the subject of moving or re-locating the clothes we had for Olivia. They still remain in the closet and drawers in Cole's room (would have been their room together). Although we really haven't bought anything for Nathaniel, my desire to clean and organize has kicked in since Spring has officially begun, and I know we will need the space in the room. I have thought about it, off and on, but instantly seem to shut the idea down. I don't intend to get rid of her things yet as we aren't emotionally ready. We talk about wanting to donate or give them to someone who needs them, but that thought gets shut out too. Seems silly huh? Well it's a very real thought and emotion and it's painful.
We talked about it for about two minutes before I was in tears and Isaac gave me his thoughts of not wanting to do it either. Neither one of us even has the ability to look at those things and the thought of moving them out of the room is heart wrenching.
So, now I am left with the mission of figuring out what to do with her clothes and how and when will the right time be. I try to think of it as, "well every person who loses a loved one has to eventually get rid of the clothes." but then I think "yes, but having to get rid of clothes for a baby you had big dreams for, who you never even got to put in clothes seems a little different and a little bit unfair and not the way things should go." Yes, these are my thoughts, all over clothes.
I do know keeping them where they are is not going to change anything, it's not going to bring our daughter back. It's as if simply moving them from the room that she would have shared with her brother is making it more permanent.
So, for now the clothes will stay where they are...
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
1 Corinthians 2:9
"That is what the Scriptures mean when they say, No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9
It has been almost 1 year since our little Olivia was born into our Savior's arms. In preparing for her birthday, the vivid memories of that day can easily haunt me. There is not one minute of any day that I do not miss her or desire to have her here with us. I am getting emotionally exhausted just thinking of April 7, 2013 and how difficult that day will be, one year later, dreams having been shattered, yet a new blessing in my womb. One who would not have existed if one hadn't died. It is a challenge to comprehend. I am so thankful for a God who loves me and knows my thoughts and worries and can carry those burdens for me (when I let Him!).
I have been thinking a lot about how much I love Olivia, it's the same kind of growing love a mother has for a child that she gets to spend every day with, physically. I don't know what she would look like or how she would act or what her first words would have been, but she is my daughter, and I love her with all my heart and with time, that love is growing. I still get hurt and frustrated by people's hurtful comments that disqualify her short, precious life. I suppose I will live the rest of my days on earth educating people who have no clue. Something I will gladly do to honor my daughter, but not something I'm excited to have to endure.
I also often get frustrated at the fact that I don't know what she is doing or if she is still a baby in heaven. I imagine her as a baby, as that was when I last saw her physically. To me, she will always be my baby. I believe I am not the only mother who thinks often about their child's life in heaven. As the above verse states, I can't possibly fathom what lies ahead in heaven, but I believe it is going to be wonderful and breathtaking. Until then, I choose to daydream of my little girl and what she is doing.
"Someday, mommy, we will hold each other tight! Then you will cradle me in your arms, and stroke my hair...and once again, our hearts will beat together."- taken from Mommy Please Don't Cry.
It has been almost 1 year since our little Olivia was born into our Savior's arms. In preparing for her birthday, the vivid memories of that day can easily haunt me. There is not one minute of any day that I do not miss her or desire to have her here with us. I am getting emotionally exhausted just thinking of April 7, 2013 and how difficult that day will be, one year later, dreams having been shattered, yet a new blessing in my womb. One who would not have existed if one hadn't died. It is a challenge to comprehend. I am so thankful for a God who loves me and knows my thoughts and worries and can carry those burdens for me (when I let Him!).
I have been thinking a lot about how much I love Olivia, it's the same kind of growing love a mother has for a child that she gets to spend every day with, physically. I don't know what she would look like or how she would act or what her first words would have been, but she is my daughter, and I love her with all my heart and with time, that love is growing. I still get hurt and frustrated by people's hurtful comments that disqualify her short, precious life. I suppose I will live the rest of my days on earth educating people who have no clue. Something I will gladly do to honor my daughter, but not something I'm excited to have to endure.
I also often get frustrated at the fact that I don't know what she is doing or if she is still a baby in heaven. I imagine her as a baby, as that was when I last saw her physically. To me, she will always be my baby. I believe I am not the only mother who thinks often about their child's life in heaven. As the above verse states, I can't possibly fathom what lies ahead in heaven, but I believe it is going to be wonderful and breathtaking. Until then, I choose to daydream of my little girl and what she is doing.
"Someday, mommy, we will hold each other tight! Then you will cradle me in your arms, and stroke my hair...and once again, our hearts will beat together."- taken from Mommy Please Don't Cry.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Psalm 126:5
"Those who sow with tears, will reap with songs of joy"- Psalm 126:5
I had had a good stretch of time where I was truly trusting God to protect this new life growing in me. There was a period of time where I did not cry EVERY day. Then the fear crept in again.
Over the last week or two, I have been struggling with a lot of very vivid flashbacks to the day we went to the hospital and found out we had lost Olivia. I struggle with trying so hard to think back to the day before, April 6th, which happened to be Good Friday. When I have these thoughts, I become so focused on trying to figure out if there were warning signs I ignored or didn't pick up on. I try so hard to remember the last time I may have felt her kick. I think about what I could or should have done differently to maybe have gotten a better outcome (not a dead baby). I then start to worry will I make it to and/or past that 32 week mark this time, am I paying enough attention to how much he is moving. As these thoughts creep in, I sometimes give in and dwell on how much I miss not having our daughter and getting to know her personality (she'd be almost 1 now), but other times I am reminded that God can make all things new. I just need to continue trusting. I don't know God's plan and purpose in such grief but he has a far greater ability to bring "beauty out of ashes" than any of us could ever imagine.
I came across the above verse recently, and it has been ingrained on my mind. It is my prayer that in my grief, I am sowing for the Lord, and an example of how he provides and heals in the darkest of days. I know I will someday reap the true songs of joy in Heaven, but until then, I'm praying for the joy I imagine our rainbow baby will bring. I imagine getting to that point will bring with it a lot more tears, but hopefully more trust than fear.
I had had a good stretch of time where I was truly trusting God to protect this new life growing in me. There was a period of time where I did not cry EVERY day. Then the fear crept in again.
Over the last week or two, I have been struggling with a lot of very vivid flashbacks to the day we went to the hospital and found out we had lost Olivia. I struggle with trying so hard to think back to the day before, April 6th, which happened to be Good Friday. When I have these thoughts, I become so focused on trying to figure out if there were warning signs I ignored or didn't pick up on. I try so hard to remember the last time I may have felt her kick. I think about what I could or should have done differently to maybe have gotten a better outcome (not a dead baby). I then start to worry will I make it to and/or past that 32 week mark this time, am I paying enough attention to how much he is moving. As these thoughts creep in, I sometimes give in and dwell on how much I miss not having our daughter and getting to know her personality (she'd be almost 1 now), but other times I am reminded that God can make all things new. I just need to continue trusting. I don't know God's plan and purpose in such grief but he has a far greater ability to bring "beauty out of ashes" than any of us could ever imagine.
I came across the above verse recently, and it has been ingrained on my mind. It is my prayer that in my grief, I am sowing for the Lord, and an example of how he provides and heals in the darkest of days. I know I will someday reap the true songs of joy in Heaven, but until then, I'm praying for the joy I imagine our rainbow baby will bring. I imagine getting to that point will bring with it a lot more tears, but hopefully more trust than fear.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
1 Timothy 2:9-10
" I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God." 1 Timothy 2:9-10
My blessing and lesson for today from God:
While shopping for new shoes for Cole, I ran into another baby loss mom whom I met in the last 9 months. I was so relieved and happy to see her, as she now has a 5 month old baby boy, whom happened to be her 3rd child, 2nd living son. She too lost a baby girl not very long ago. After chatting for a few minutes, we both went about our shoe shopping. We happened to meet back at the check out. While in line we both kind of understandingly commented on the boring selection for boys and how it's not fun seeing all the cute, sparkly girl shoes. Although it truly does hurt and make you want to feel bad for yourself, it was a blessing in its own way, to have someone right there, at that moment, when you had those thoughts, who could just comprehend and feel how you were feeling.
My initial thoughts were that I want to make an effort to encourage moms who have little girls to make sure to buy their daughter's girly, frilly things and to treat them like the princesses' they are. As I thought more about it, I was led to the above verse along with Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." The world we live in draws us to think girls, young women, older women should and need to be adorned in the finest "things", including make-up, clothes, shoes, jewelry and other accessories. However God tells us in His Word the way in which he wants a woman to dress and behave and it is far from the world's view.
So, after my pity party for myself and missing out on the opportunity to dress my little Olivia in cute clothes and shoes, I am now hoping to encourage mom's of daughter's, whether they are little or older, to lead your daughter's in the way that God desires them to be- modest, and God fearing (with a little sparkle and glitter to be a shining light for God)
My blessing and lesson for today from God:
While shopping for new shoes for Cole, I ran into another baby loss mom whom I met in the last 9 months. I was so relieved and happy to see her, as she now has a 5 month old baby boy, whom happened to be her 3rd child, 2nd living son. She too lost a baby girl not very long ago. After chatting for a few minutes, we both went about our shoe shopping. We happened to meet back at the check out. While in line we both kind of understandingly commented on the boring selection for boys and how it's not fun seeing all the cute, sparkly girl shoes. Although it truly does hurt and make you want to feel bad for yourself, it was a blessing in its own way, to have someone right there, at that moment, when you had those thoughts, who could just comprehend and feel how you were feeling.
My initial thoughts were that I want to make an effort to encourage moms who have little girls to make sure to buy their daughter's girly, frilly things and to treat them like the princesses' they are. As I thought more about it, I was led to the above verse along with Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." The world we live in draws us to think girls, young women, older women should and need to be adorned in the finest "things", including make-up, clothes, shoes, jewelry and other accessories. However God tells us in His Word the way in which he wants a woman to dress and behave and it is far from the world's view.
So, after my pity party for myself and missing out on the opportunity to dress my little Olivia in cute clothes and shoes, I am now hoping to encourage mom's of daughter's, whether they are little or older, to lead your daughter's in the way that God desires them to be- modest, and God fearing (with a little sparkle and glitter to be a shining light for God)
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Psalms 46:10
"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." -Psalms 46:10
God has been revealing to me a lot about trusting Him through His word. Throughout life struggles, I have always been able to rely on Him and trust in Him, ultimately to see me through. However losing a child has been the worst, most painful and emotionally exhausting "storm" that has come my way by far!
I am thankful to say, He has brought us a long way in the last 9 months, bringing us from the days that didn't seem bearable to days that come and go, with tears shed, but with an amazing hope.
Being pregnant now is truly a blessing, but has really tested my ability to just trust and let go of worries.
I'd like to share a reading from one of the devotionals I'm reading through now. It is called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.
"Trust Me by relinquishing control into My hands. Let go, and recognize that I am God. This is my world: I made it and I control it. Yours is a responsive part in the litany of Love. I search among My children for receptivity to Me. Guard well this gift that I have planted in your heart. Nurture it with the Light of My Presence.
When you bring Me prayer requests, lay out your concerns before Me. Speak to Me candidly; pour out your heart. Then thank Me for the answers that I have set into motion long before you can discern results. When your requests come to mind again, continue to thank Me for answers that are on the way. If you keep on stating your concerns to Me, you will live in a state of tension. When you thank Me for how I am answering your prayers, your mind-set becomes much more positive. Thankful prayers keep your focus on My Presence and My promises."
I am determined to put this into practice for the rest of this pregnancy and in the years to come. So far, it feels a lot better, than the mind-set of worry I had been in. Don't get me wrong, it is still a struggle. I have never been a very anxious person until this past year. I don't know how best to descibe it other than a shaky horrible feeling that leaves you sick to your stomach, all coming from negative thinking that you just can't seem to control. It takes a lot of energy on your own to calm yourself down when worry and anxiety enters your mind. It's a lot more manageable with the help of The Helper. Thank goodness for a Lord who bears our burdens and lightens our load.
Today, I did something I told myself and Isaac I would not do this pregnancy, and that was to buy clothes in preparation for our new baby boy. I only bought a of couple of outfits but you know what, it felt good to not feel so doubtful and just trust that we would be bringing home a baby this time.
We have chosen a name for the baby that also symbolizes our trust that God is going to bless us. His name is Nathaniel Josiah, meaning given of God, God sustains.
Thank you for your continued prayers!
God has been revealing to me a lot about trusting Him through His word. Throughout life struggles, I have always been able to rely on Him and trust in Him, ultimately to see me through. However losing a child has been the worst, most painful and emotionally exhausting "storm" that has come my way by far!
I am thankful to say, He has brought us a long way in the last 9 months, bringing us from the days that didn't seem bearable to days that come and go, with tears shed, but with an amazing hope.
Being pregnant now is truly a blessing, but has really tested my ability to just trust and let go of worries.
I'd like to share a reading from one of the devotionals I'm reading through now. It is called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.
"Trust Me by relinquishing control into My hands. Let go, and recognize that I am God. This is my world: I made it and I control it. Yours is a responsive part in the litany of Love. I search among My children for receptivity to Me. Guard well this gift that I have planted in your heart. Nurture it with the Light of My Presence.
When you bring Me prayer requests, lay out your concerns before Me. Speak to Me candidly; pour out your heart. Then thank Me for the answers that I have set into motion long before you can discern results. When your requests come to mind again, continue to thank Me for answers that are on the way. If you keep on stating your concerns to Me, you will live in a state of tension. When you thank Me for how I am answering your prayers, your mind-set becomes much more positive. Thankful prayers keep your focus on My Presence and My promises."
I am determined to put this into practice for the rest of this pregnancy and in the years to come. So far, it feels a lot better, than the mind-set of worry I had been in. Don't get me wrong, it is still a struggle. I have never been a very anxious person until this past year. I don't know how best to descibe it other than a shaky horrible feeling that leaves you sick to your stomach, all coming from negative thinking that you just can't seem to control. It takes a lot of energy on your own to calm yourself down when worry and anxiety enters your mind. It's a lot more manageable with the help of The Helper. Thank goodness for a Lord who bears our burdens and lightens our load.
Today, I did something I told myself and Isaac I would not do this pregnancy, and that was to buy clothes in preparation for our new baby boy. I only bought a of couple of outfits but you know what, it felt good to not feel so doubtful and just trust that we would be bringing home a baby this time.
We have chosen a name for the baby that also symbolizes our trust that God is going to bless us. His name is Nathaniel Josiah, meaning given of God, God sustains.
Thank you for your continued prayers!
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