On Olivia's first birthday in Heaven, we had a Celebration of Hope, at the cemetery to remember her and praise God for the promise he has given us through eternal life with Him. Isaac and I thank all who came and supported us. There is nothing more special than seeing that other's remember and think about our little girl even though she wasn't "known" by them.
Below is what I shared at the Celebration of Hope.
"If we are to share His glory, we must also share His suffering. Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will give us later." Romans 8:17-18
April 7th, 2013 one year later. Some days I wonder how I made it, however, I know how I made it. God carried me. It's very true, there's no other way to get through such heartache. I no longer ask God "why". God has truly revealed to me, that HIS son suffered the ultimate pain imaginable. It was His son, Jesus who died on the cross for all of mankind, so that we could have eternal life with Him. We were never promised that this life was going to be easy, and without struggles or in my case such grieving. One year later, I am trying to bring glory to God through the pain I am still dealing with over losing my daughter. I don't imagine the pain of losing a child goes away, ever, but through this, one year later, I can say God has used our little girl's short life to teach us, about Himself and about ourselves'.
The loss of Olivia has stretched my faith in unimaginable ways, yet has, ultimately made it stronger. When you're faced with such a loss, how can you not seek God? I have met a lot of baby loss mom's and families in the last year, and without God, it seems to be much more of a grim path towards healing. There's no hope without God.
I have become a more giving person. It's amazing how many mailings we now get for all sorts of organizations requesting donations. I mostly desire to donate to anything having to do with children, yet can sometimes be caught in a mood to just write a check to whatever comes my way.
I have new passions that I wouldn't have dreamed I would have. I am now part of a life long club, which gains new members every day, more often than you'll ever want to imagine. I have a strong desire to offer support and comfort to new members, and to educate those who are not affected by the kind of loss that gains you membership into this club. I am not afraid to answer the question "how many children do you have?" with a very honest answer.
The biggest most pleasing change in me has been my utter loss of fear about death and dying. It's as if the uncertainty has been lifted from my mind, heart and eyes. Having a child born into the arms of Jesus has given me glimpses into what an amazing life we have to look forward to, an eternity in heaven, with Jesus and all our loved ones'. No more pain, crying, sorrow or worries. This life is fragile and temporary. It's not our jobs as Christians to get comfortable living here on earth. We're here to honor God, and look forward to that day of meeting Him.
So, today, we don't celebrate a birthday in the sense that a birthday is usually celebrated. We're celebrating the life of our daughter and the change God has allowed in our lives'. If it weren't for the short, but very meaningful and unforgettable life of Olivia Taylor Bardsley these changes may not have ever happened. We have a Hope that we can imagine yet can't fathom until it's our turn to meet our Savior face to face. We now live our lives' in great expectation of that day!
"Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your thoughs on the realities of Heaven, where Christ sits at God's right hand in the place of honor and power. Let Heaven fill your thoughts. Do not think only about things down here on earth." Colossians 3:1-2
Monday, April 8, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
1 Peter 4:1
"Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin." 1 Peter 4:1
I am experiencing and going through this week (the week leading up to Olivia's birthday) yet not enjoying one moment of it. I had spent the better half of this past year trying to prepare myself for this time of year, wondering how I would feel and respond and what we would do that's special to remember her. Let's just say, I am incredibly irritable!...mixed with sadness and maybe a few angry feelings along with guilt mixed in. I am confused emotionally as I'm carrying Nathaniel and feeling him move in my womb, thinking back to this time last year and then just really wanting to have Olivia to hug and squeeze right now.
I am scared about April 6th, the last day Olivia's heart beat, scared about April 7th, her birthday and April 8th, the day we said goodbye to her and, well the days after that too. I remember feeling empty physically and emotionally and I'm wondering how I will feel this year with a baby kicking and squirming inside me. Then those thoughts of losing Nathaniel cross my mind too, wondering if it will happen again.
I am brought to the above verse and trying so very hard to keep in mind what God has taught me in the last year, that Jesus suffered, and knows just what I'm going through. Suffering builds endurance and strength to be able to handle...more suffering! Or (what I'm really trying to remember) it builds character and offers the ability to see things in a different light. It changes our perspective on things. Not too much bothers me anymore, other than just dealing with grieving and missing Olivia. I sure don't "sweat the small stuff" in life.
I am experiencing and going through this week (the week leading up to Olivia's birthday) yet not enjoying one moment of it. I had spent the better half of this past year trying to prepare myself for this time of year, wondering how I would feel and respond and what we would do that's special to remember her. Let's just say, I am incredibly irritable!...mixed with sadness and maybe a few angry feelings along with guilt mixed in. I am confused emotionally as I'm carrying Nathaniel and feeling him move in my womb, thinking back to this time last year and then just really wanting to have Olivia to hug and squeeze right now.
I am scared about April 6th, the last day Olivia's heart beat, scared about April 7th, her birthday and April 8th, the day we said goodbye to her and, well the days after that too. I remember feeling empty physically and emotionally and I'm wondering how I will feel this year with a baby kicking and squirming inside me. Then those thoughts of losing Nathaniel cross my mind too, wondering if it will happen again.
I am brought to the above verse and trying so very hard to keep in mind what God has taught me in the last year, that Jesus suffered, and knows just what I'm going through. Suffering builds endurance and strength to be able to handle...more suffering! Or (what I'm really trying to remember) it builds character and offers the ability to see things in a different light. It changes our perspective on things. Not too much bothers me anymore, other than just dealing with grieving and missing Olivia. I sure don't "sweat the small stuff" in life.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Proverbs 30:1
"I am weary, God, but I can prevail." Proverbs 30:1
Last night, I brought up the subject of moving or re-locating the clothes we had for Olivia. They still remain in the closet and drawers in Cole's room (would have been their room together). Although we really haven't bought anything for Nathaniel, my desire to clean and organize has kicked in since Spring has officially begun, and I know we will need the space in the room. I have thought about it, off and on, but instantly seem to shut the idea down. I don't intend to get rid of her things yet as we aren't emotionally ready. We talk about wanting to donate or give them to someone who needs them, but that thought gets shut out too. Seems silly huh? Well it's a very real thought and emotion and it's painful.
We talked about it for about two minutes before I was in tears and Isaac gave me his thoughts of not wanting to do it either. Neither one of us even has the ability to look at those things and the thought of moving them out of the room is heart wrenching.
So, now I am left with the mission of figuring out what to do with her clothes and how and when will the right time be. I try to think of it as, "well every person who loses a loved one has to eventually get rid of the clothes." but then I think "yes, but having to get rid of clothes for a baby you had big dreams for, who you never even got to put in clothes seems a little different and a little bit unfair and not the way things should go." Yes, these are my thoughts, all over clothes.
I do know keeping them where they are is not going to change anything, it's not going to bring our daughter back. It's as if simply moving them from the room that she would have shared with her brother is making it more permanent.
So, for now the clothes will stay where they are...
Last night, I brought up the subject of moving or re-locating the clothes we had for Olivia. They still remain in the closet and drawers in Cole's room (would have been their room together). Although we really haven't bought anything for Nathaniel, my desire to clean and organize has kicked in since Spring has officially begun, and I know we will need the space in the room. I have thought about it, off and on, but instantly seem to shut the idea down. I don't intend to get rid of her things yet as we aren't emotionally ready. We talk about wanting to donate or give them to someone who needs them, but that thought gets shut out too. Seems silly huh? Well it's a very real thought and emotion and it's painful.
We talked about it for about two minutes before I was in tears and Isaac gave me his thoughts of not wanting to do it either. Neither one of us even has the ability to look at those things and the thought of moving them out of the room is heart wrenching.
So, now I am left with the mission of figuring out what to do with her clothes and how and when will the right time be. I try to think of it as, "well every person who loses a loved one has to eventually get rid of the clothes." but then I think "yes, but having to get rid of clothes for a baby you had big dreams for, who you never even got to put in clothes seems a little different and a little bit unfair and not the way things should go." Yes, these are my thoughts, all over clothes.
I do know keeping them where they are is not going to change anything, it's not going to bring our daughter back. It's as if simply moving them from the room that she would have shared with her brother is making it more permanent.
So, for now the clothes will stay where they are...
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
1 Corinthians 2:9
"That is what the Scriptures mean when they say, No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9
It has been almost 1 year since our little Olivia was born into our Savior's arms. In preparing for her birthday, the vivid memories of that day can easily haunt me. There is not one minute of any day that I do not miss her or desire to have her here with us. I am getting emotionally exhausted just thinking of April 7, 2013 and how difficult that day will be, one year later, dreams having been shattered, yet a new blessing in my womb. One who would not have existed if one hadn't died. It is a challenge to comprehend. I am so thankful for a God who loves me and knows my thoughts and worries and can carry those burdens for me (when I let Him!).
I have been thinking a lot about how much I love Olivia, it's the same kind of growing love a mother has for a child that she gets to spend every day with, physically. I don't know what she would look like or how she would act or what her first words would have been, but she is my daughter, and I love her with all my heart and with time, that love is growing. I still get hurt and frustrated by people's hurtful comments that disqualify her short, precious life. I suppose I will live the rest of my days on earth educating people who have no clue. Something I will gladly do to honor my daughter, but not something I'm excited to have to endure.
I also often get frustrated at the fact that I don't know what she is doing or if she is still a baby in heaven. I imagine her as a baby, as that was when I last saw her physically. To me, she will always be my baby. I believe I am not the only mother who thinks often about their child's life in heaven. As the above verse states, I can't possibly fathom what lies ahead in heaven, but I believe it is going to be wonderful and breathtaking. Until then, I choose to daydream of my little girl and what she is doing.
"Someday, mommy, we will hold each other tight! Then you will cradle me in your arms, and stroke my hair...and once again, our hearts will beat together."- taken from Mommy Please Don't Cry.
It has been almost 1 year since our little Olivia was born into our Savior's arms. In preparing for her birthday, the vivid memories of that day can easily haunt me. There is not one minute of any day that I do not miss her or desire to have her here with us. I am getting emotionally exhausted just thinking of April 7, 2013 and how difficult that day will be, one year later, dreams having been shattered, yet a new blessing in my womb. One who would not have existed if one hadn't died. It is a challenge to comprehend. I am so thankful for a God who loves me and knows my thoughts and worries and can carry those burdens for me (when I let Him!).
I have been thinking a lot about how much I love Olivia, it's the same kind of growing love a mother has for a child that she gets to spend every day with, physically. I don't know what she would look like or how she would act or what her first words would have been, but she is my daughter, and I love her with all my heart and with time, that love is growing. I still get hurt and frustrated by people's hurtful comments that disqualify her short, precious life. I suppose I will live the rest of my days on earth educating people who have no clue. Something I will gladly do to honor my daughter, but not something I'm excited to have to endure.
I also often get frustrated at the fact that I don't know what she is doing or if she is still a baby in heaven. I imagine her as a baby, as that was when I last saw her physically. To me, she will always be my baby. I believe I am not the only mother who thinks often about their child's life in heaven. As the above verse states, I can't possibly fathom what lies ahead in heaven, but I believe it is going to be wonderful and breathtaking. Until then, I choose to daydream of my little girl and what she is doing.
"Someday, mommy, we will hold each other tight! Then you will cradle me in your arms, and stroke my hair...and once again, our hearts will beat together."- taken from Mommy Please Don't Cry.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Psalm 126:5
"Those who sow with tears, will reap with songs of joy"- Psalm 126:5
I had had a good stretch of time where I was truly trusting God to protect this new life growing in me. There was a period of time where I did not cry EVERY day. Then the fear crept in again.
Over the last week or two, I have been struggling with a lot of very vivid flashbacks to the day we went to the hospital and found out we had lost Olivia. I struggle with trying so hard to think back to the day before, April 6th, which happened to be Good Friday. When I have these thoughts, I become so focused on trying to figure out if there were warning signs I ignored or didn't pick up on. I try so hard to remember the last time I may have felt her kick. I think about what I could or should have done differently to maybe have gotten a better outcome (not a dead baby). I then start to worry will I make it to and/or past that 32 week mark this time, am I paying enough attention to how much he is moving. As these thoughts creep in, I sometimes give in and dwell on how much I miss not having our daughter and getting to know her personality (she'd be almost 1 now), but other times I am reminded that God can make all things new. I just need to continue trusting. I don't know God's plan and purpose in such grief but he has a far greater ability to bring "beauty out of ashes" than any of us could ever imagine.
I came across the above verse recently, and it has been ingrained on my mind. It is my prayer that in my grief, I am sowing for the Lord, and an example of how he provides and heals in the darkest of days. I know I will someday reap the true songs of joy in Heaven, but until then, I'm praying for the joy I imagine our rainbow baby will bring. I imagine getting to that point will bring with it a lot more tears, but hopefully more trust than fear.
I had had a good stretch of time where I was truly trusting God to protect this new life growing in me. There was a period of time where I did not cry EVERY day. Then the fear crept in again.
Over the last week or two, I have been struggling with a lot of very vivid flashbacks to the day we went to the hospital and found out we had lost Olivia. I struggle with trying so hard to think back to the day before, April 6th, which happened to be Good Friday. When I have these thoughts, I become so focused on trying to figure out if there were warning signs I ignored or didn't pick up on. I try so hard to remember the last time I may have felt her kick. I think about what I could or should have done differently to maybe have gotten a better outcome (not a dead baby). I then start to worry will I make it to and/or past that 32 week mark this time, am I paying enough attention to how much he is moving. As these thoughts creep in, I sometimes give in and dwell on how much I miss not having our daughter and getting to know her personality (she'd be almost 1 now), but other times I am reminded that God can make all things new. I just need to continue trusting. I don't know God's plan and purpose in such grief but he has a far greater ability to bring "beauty out of ashes" than any of us could ever imagine.
I came across the above verse recently, and it has been ingrained on my mind. It is my prayer that in my grief, I am sowing for the Lord, and an example of how he provides and heals in the darkest of days. I know I will someday reap the true songs of joy in Heaven, but until then, I'm praying for the joy I imagine our rainbow baby will bring. I imagine getting to that point will bring with it a lot more tears, but hopefully more trust than fear.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
1 Timothy 2:9-10
" I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God." 1 Timothy 2:9-10
My blessing and lesson for today from God:
While shopping for new shoes for Cole, I ran into another baby loss mom whom I met in the last 9 months. I was so relieved and happy to see her, as she now has a 5 month old baby boy, whom happened to be her 3rd child, 2nd living son. She too lost a baby girl not very long ago. After chatting for a few minutes, we both went about our shoe shopping. We happened to meet back at the check out. While in line we both kind of understandingly commented on the boring selection for boys and how it's not fun seeing all the cute, sparkly girl shoes. Although it truly does hurt and make you want to feel bad for yourself, it was a blessing in its own way, to have someone right there, at that moment, when you had those thoughts, who could just comprehend and feel how you were feeling.
My initial thoughts were that I want to make an effort to encourage moms who have little girls to make sure to buy their daughter's girly, frilly things and to treat them like the princesses' they are. As I thought more about it, I was led to the above verse along with Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." The world we live in draws us to think girls, young women, older women should and need to be adorned in the finest "things", including make-up, clothes, shoes, jewelry and other accessories. However God tells us in His Word the way in which he wants a woman to dress and behave and it is far from the world's view.
So, after my pity party for myself and missing out on the opportunity to dress my little Olivia in cute clothes and shoes, I am now hoping to encourage mom's of daughter's, whether they are little or older, to lead your daughter's in the way that God desires them to be- modest, and God fearing (with a little sparkle and glitter to be a shining light for God)
My blessing and lesson for today from God:
While shopping for new shoes for Cole, I ran into another baby loss mom whom I met in the last 9 months. I was so relieved and happy to see her, as she now has a 5 month old baby boy, whom happened to be her 3rd child, 2nd living son. She too lost a baby girl not very long ago. After chatting for a few minutes, we both went about our shoe shopping. We happened to meet back at the check out. While in line we both kind of understandingly commented on the boring selection for boys and how it's not fun seeing all the cute, sparkly girl shoes. Although it truly does hurt and make you want to feel bad for yourself, it was a blessing in its own way, to have someone right there, at that moment, when you had those thoughts, who could just comprehend and feel how you were feeling.
My initial thoughts were that I want to make an effort to encourage moms who have little girls to make sure to buy their daughter's girly, frilly things and to treat them like the princesses' they are. As I thought more about it, I was led to the above verse along with Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." The world we live in draws us to think girls, young women, older women should and need to be adorned in the finest "things", including make-up, clothes, shoes, jewelry and other accessories. However God tells us in His Word the way in which he wants a woman to dress and behave and it is far from the world's view.
So, after my pity party for myself and missing out on the opportunity to dress my little Olivia in cute clothes and shoes, I am now hoping to encourage mom's of daughter's, whether they are little or older, to lead your daughter's in the way that God desires them to be- modest, and God fearing (with a little sparkle and glitter to be a shining light for God)
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Psalms 46:10
"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." -Psalms 46:10
God has been revealing to me a lot about trusting Him through His word. Throughout life struggles, I have always been able to rely on Him and trust in Him, ultimately to see me through. However losing a child has been the worst, most painful and emotionally exhausting "storm" that has come my way by far!
I am thankful to say, He has brought us a long way in the last 9 months, bringing us from the days that didn't seem bearable to days that come and go, with tears shed, but with an amazing hope.
Being pregnant now is truly a blessing, but has really tested my ability to just trust and let go of worries.
I'd like to share a reading from one of the devotionals I'm reading through now. It is called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.
"Trust Me by relinquishing control into My hands. Let go, and recognize that I am God. This is my world: I made it and I control it. Yours is a responsive part in the litany of Love. I search among My children for receptivity to Me. Guard well this gift that I have planted in your heart. Nurture it with the Light of My Presence.
When you bring Me prayer requests, lay out your concerns before Me. Speak to Me candidly; pour out your heart. Then thank Me for the answers that I have set into motion long before you can discern results. When your requests come to mind again, continue to thank Me for answers that are on the way. If you keep on stating your concerns to Me, you will live in a state of tension. When you thank Me for how I am answering your prayers, your mind-set becomes much more positive. Thankful prayers keep your focus on My Presence and My promises."
I am determined to put this into practice for the rest of this pregnancy and in the years to come. So far, it feels a lot better, than the mind-set of worry I had been in. Don't get me wrong, it is still a struggle. I have never been a very anxious person until this past year. I don't know how best to descibe it other than a shaky horrible feeling that leaves you sick to your stomach, all coming from negative thinking that you just can't seem to control. It takes a lot of energy on your own to calm yourself down when worry and anxiety enters your mind. It's a lot more manageable with the help of The Helper. Thank goodness for a Lord who bears our burdens and lightens our load.
Today, I did something I told myself and Isaac I would not do this pregnancy, and that was to buy clothes in preparation for our new baby boy. I only bought a of couple of outfits but you know what, it felt good to not feel so doubtful and just trust that we would be bringing home a baby this time.
We have chosen a name for the baby that also symbolizes our trust that God is going to bless us. His name is Nathaniel Josiah, meaning given of God, God sustains.
Thank you for your continued prayers!
God has been revealing to me a lot about trusting Him through His word. Throughout life struggles, I have always been able to rely on Him and trust in Him, ultimately to see me through. However losing a child has been the worst, most painful and emotionally exhausting "storm" that has come my way by far!
I am thankful to say, He has brought us a long way in the last 9 months, bringing us from the days that didn't seem bearable to days that come and go, with tears shed, but with an amazing hope.
Being pregnant now is truly a blessing, but has really tested my ability to just trust and let go of worries.
I'd like to share a reading from one of the devotionals I'm reading through now. It is called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.
"Trust Me by relinquishing control into My hands. Let go, and recognize that I am God. This is my world: I made it and I control it. Yours is a responsive part in the litany of Love. I search among My children for receptivity to Me. Guard well this gift that I have planted in your heart. Nurture it with the Light of My Presence.
When you bring Me prayer requests, lay out your concerns before Me. Speak to Me candidly; pour out your heart. Then thank Me for the answers that I have set into motion long before you can discern results. When your requests come to mind again, continue to thank Me for answers that are on the way. If you keep on stating your concerns to Me, you will live in a state of tension. When you thank Me for how I am answering your prayers, your mind-set becomes much more positive. Thankful prayers keep your focus on My Presence and My promises."
I am determined to put this into practice for the rest of this pregnancy and in the years to come. So far, it feels a lot better, than the mind-set of worry I had been in. Don't get me wrong, it is still a struggle. I have never been a very anxious person until this past year. I don't know how best to descibe it other than a shaky horrible feeling that leaves you sick to your stomach, all coming from negative thinking that you just can't seem to control. It takes a lot of energy on your own to calm yourself down when worry and anxiety enters your mind. It's a lot more manageable with the help of The Helper. Thank goodness for a Lord who bears our burdens and lightens our load.
Today, I did something I told myself and Isaac I would not do this pregnancy, and that was to buy clothes in preparation for our new baby boy. I only bought a of couple of outfits but you know what, it felt good to not feel so doubtful and just trust that we would be bringing home a baby this time.
We have chosen a name for the baby that also symbolizes our trust that God is going to bless us. His name is Nathaniel Josiah, meaning given of God, God sustains.
Thank you for your continued prayers!
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