"Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat- I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how."-- Luke 9:23-24 (From the Message translation)
What a very difficult concept to grasp; embracing your suffering. I suppose, before I even realized it, I was trying to embrace my suffering; losing my daughter. I started this blog. I share my very personal thoughts with whoever chooses to read or happens upon this page because maybe they, like me were searching for solace in someone else's story.
In my journey through grief, it has been strong on my heart how Jesus suffered for us, the ultimate suffering. He knows and understands my feelings and my hurt. He desires for me to rely on Him to lead me. I don't fully understand what lesson it is I will learn in losing Olivia, but some things I have learned so far is that the Bible can bring a great amount of comfort, it is like the best culmination of any greeting cards you could ever find. When I let God speak to me through his word, I feel that ball of nerves in my stomach loosen. As I've become aware, people don't always have the most appropriate words of comfort to offer, but if I look to God he provides. I've also learned to pray in a different manner. We all pray for what we want, God knows what we want, he knows those desires buried deep, that we don't often put into words. We don't need to ask him. I now pray for his will. I prayed for a healthy, happy baby, as I imagine any mother would do, yet for some reason, that wasn't in God's plan. That doesn't mean I'm happy and accepting of that all the time, and that I don't have many questions of "why". I've learned that I should be praying for him to accomplish in me what it is he wants for my life and, that if that means suffering, I should pray for his strength to help me through. Lastly, I've developed such a passion for sharing my story, whether it is to raise awareness in the lives' of people who have not experienced such a loss, or to be a help to a family who has. It is my hope that my example is a light in someone elses' grief and pleasing to God.
An excerpt from a book we're reading that I'd like to share "I don't know what the cross will look like for you. I just know it will require a death to your earthly desires and earthbound dreams to carry it. And I know it won't be easy. But I also know that as you die to yourself, God's life will take root and grow within you. And as you die to your dreams, his dreams can flourish. He will give you new desires and then fullfill them completely."
Desert Song- Hillsong
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Proverbs 29:17
"Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul."- Proverbs 29:17
Today I received peace from God through my son, Cole. He said his sister's name for the very first time, out of the blue while we were out shopping. For anyone who knows Cole, he has an amazing ability with words. His vocabulary is far beyond where is the "norm" for his age. Very clear to me, I heard him say "Olivia" and was completely touched. He was in a shopping cart, we were playing little games so I could continue looking for what we were at the store to get, yet distract him also. He grabbed at my neck, caught ahold of my necklace (a locket with Olivia's picture) and said very knowingly "Olivia". It pleased me to know he knows of his sister. It is very important to me that he knows who she is.
He even repeated it tonight when I was telling Isaac about it. It is a blessing to a bereaved mother's ears.
"My heart rejoices in the Lord; in the Lord my horn is lifted high. My mouth boasts over my enemies, for I delight in your deliverance." 1 Samuel 2:1
Today I received peace from God through my son, Cole. He said his sister's name for the very first time, out of the blue while we were out shopping. For anyone who knows Cole, he has an amazing ability with words. His vocabulary is far beyond where is the "norm" for his age. Very clear to me, I heard him say "Olivia" and was completely touched. He was in a shopping cart, we were playing little games so I could continue looking for what we were at the store to get, yet distract him also. He grabbed at my neck, caught ahold of my necklace (a locket with Olivia's picture) and said very knowingly "Olivia". It pleased me to know he knows of his sister. It is very important to me that he knows who she is.
He even repeated it tonight when I was telling Isaac about it. It is a blessing to a bereaved mother's ears.
"My heart rejoices in the Lord; in the Lord my horn is lifted high. My mouth boasts over my enemies, for I delight in your deliverance." 1 Samuel 2:1
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Phillipians 4:7
"The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus"- Phillipians 4:7
This month, October is not only breast cancer awareness month, it is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. Amazing the things you become aware of when they hit close to home. I'm not sure if it is, that it has been 6 months since Olivia's lifeless entry into this fallen world, or if it is the fact that I am more aware than ever how many families in this country and across the world have suffered losses' like we have, but this has been a rough month so far.
The more often I share with strangers, my story, I enter into the reality of truly how many people have also had stillborns. I honestly can say, I never would have imagined how many people have and will face this hearbreak until I've had to face it myself. There is a statistic that I recently came across (in one of my many internet searches for finding other sources of support), that says, for each minute a life is lost to miscarriage and for every 20 minutes, a woman delivers a stillborn, just in the United States alone. That is huge and heart wrenching. I've often wondered, since losing Olivia, why something so supposedly natural can be so difficult and, according to statistics and my knew found knowledge, heartbreaking for way too many people.
Whenever I hear of yet another similar story I find myself praying that they have the peace, that only God can provide under such circumstances. I surely can not imagine facing day in and day out without it.
Here's the sweet angel we are remembering through this month, and everyday. We love you sweet girl.
This month, October is not only breast cancer awareness month, it is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. Amazing the things you become aware of when they hit close to home. I'm not sure if it is, that it has been 6 months since Olivia's lifeless entry into this fallen world, or if it is the fact that I am more aware than ever how many families in this country and across the world have suffered losses' like we have, but this has been a rough month so far.
The more often I share with strangers, my story, I enter into the reality of truly how many people have also had stillborns. I honestly can say, I never would have imagined how many people have and will face this hearbreak until I've had to face it myself. There is a statistic that I recently came across (in one of my many internet searches for finding other sources of support), that says, for each minute a life is lost to miscarriage and for every 20 minutes, a woman delivers a stillborn, just in the United States alone. That is huge and heart wrenching. I've often wondered, since losing Olivia, why something so supposedly natural can be so difficult and, according to statistics and my knew found knowledge, heartbreaking for way too many people.
Whenever I hear of yet another similar story I find myself praying that they have the peace, that only God can provide under such circumstances. I surely can not imagine facing day in and day out without it.
Here's the sweet angel we are remembering through this month, and everyday. We love you sweet girl.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Romans 15:13
"I pray that God, who gives you hope, will keep you happy and full of peace as you believe in Him. May you overflow with hope through the power of the holy spirit"- Romans 15:13
Somedays, it feels like April 7th, 2012 was just yesterday. I am realizing, 5 months in, that losing a child really doesn't get easier and at times it's worse than it was the day before. It's a constant empty feeling. I don't know exactly what precipitates more overwhelming emotions, it just happens.
We spent a weekend away, having fun watching Cole run wild at Storyland. It, just like anything else in life now, was bittersweet. There were so many families with small baby girls, and the question "why us?" rang loud in my mind. That's not a pleasant thought. I'm no longer baby crazy like I always was. I see a baby, and feel indifferent.
I hate that when we do go away, I have an ache to just stay home, as if I'm leaving my baby behind with a babysitter. I hate that I feel like I need to go to the cemetery before and after we go away. I hate that I feel like a bad mom if I only make it there once a week. I hate that flowers I plant at her grave die. I hate that I have to look for signs that's she's right there with us wherever we are. I hate that when my little Cole hears "Olivia" or "baby" he reaches for my locket and says "more" to see her picture. I hate that I know what a wonderful big brother Cole would be, because I know he already is one but doesn't realize it. I hate being able to cry my eyes out in an instant and how easily they burn when I do because it's such a frequent occurence. I hate when people ask how many kids I have and having to choose how to respond and if that person can handle hearing the truth. I hate wondering how amazing Olivia's personality would have been and if she would be just like Cole or completely different. I hate that we were given this to bear.
Somedays, it feels like April 7th, 2012 was just yesterday. I am realizing, 5 months in, that losing a child really doesn't get easier and at times it's worse than it was the day before. It's a constant empty feeling. I don't know exactly what precipitates more overwhelming emotions, it just happens.
We spent a weekend away, having fun watching Cole run wild at Storyland. It, just like anything else in life now, was bittersweet. There were so many families with small baby girls, and the question "why us?" rang loud in my mind. That's not a pleasant thought. I'm no longer baby crazy like I always was. I see a baby, and feel indifferent.
I hate that when we do go away, I have an ache to just stay home, as if I'm leaving my baby behind with a babysitter. I hate that I feel like I need to go to the cemetery before and after we go away. I hate that I feel like a bad mom if I only make it there once a week. I hate that flowers I plant at her grave die. I hate that I have to look for signs that's she's right there with us wherever we are. I hate that when my little Cole hears "Olivia" or "baby" he reaches for my locket and says "more" to see her picture. I hate that I know what a wonderful big brother Cole would be, because I know he already is one but doesn't realize it. I hate being able to cry my eyes out in an instant and how easily they burn when I do because it's such a frequent occurence. I hate when people ask how many kids I have and having to choose how to respond and if that person can handle hearing the truth. I hate wondering how amazing Olivia's personality would have been and if she would be just like Cole or completely different. I hate that we were given this to bear.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Isaiah 41:10
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed , for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
It has been awhile since I've written anything. My husband reminded me of this recently. I think it's just as therapeutic for him as it is for me. I'm hoping that by doing so today, I will feel a little better. I have been feeling more than dismayed some days (i'm not sure of the accurate word to describe it other than how it's stated in the above verse). I miss my daughter. I miss getting to know her like we've gotten to know Cole and watching her grow. I read a lot about heaven and people's heavenly experiences when they've had near death experiences. I find peace in those kinds of stories. Somedays it seems like Cole either sees his sister or has an awareness of her presence. A couple of weeks ago he was playing on our bed, and suddenly he stopped, saw Olivia's blanket (which I never let him touch) and said "baby" and pointed. Other days he'll be with us and all of a sudden look in a different direction like something caught his attention and say "hi" or "ang-el". He also points to her baby picture up on the wall and says baby or angel. I have to believe in his ability to be aware of what adults may not be able to see or feel. It gives me hope that someday he'll just come out and say to us that he sees her. He can be our own little medium, with a direct connection to Olivia.
Also on my mind is my inability to just be happy. When I do have moments of feeling happy, I feel bad for this. Any happy occasions are clouded with the thought that whatever the occasion is, we're missing a very special little girl.
I have to share my experience after a difficult day last week. I was driving home from a quick trip to the grocery store, by myself. The sun was setting. I really wish I had a picture to show what my words can't do justice. I was really noticing how the sky in front of me, was bright, with clouds around it, the sun was beaming through this area of clouds down towards the ground almost as an entry way. The rest of the sky was very blah and gray. I said out loud through my tears "I want to be there." In response, I could hear "very soon child". I am not a morbid person, although it may sound that way. There is a huge part of my life missing here, and I can't wait for the day to have all the missing pieces together. If you ever walk through a cemetery you'll be made sadly aware of how many people lose children, of all ages. With how many people bury their babies, I wonder how some people don't have faith in a better life after here.
It has been awhile since I've written anything. My husband reminded me of this recently. I think it's just as therapeutic for him as it is for me. I'm hoping that by doing so today, I will feel a little better. I have been feeling more than dismayed some days (i'm not sure of the accurate word to describe it other than how it's stated in the above verse). I miss my daughter. I miss getting to know her like we've gotten to know Cole and watching her grow. I read a lot about heaven and people's heavenly experiences when they've had near death experiences. I find peace in those kinds of stories. Somedays it seems like Cole either sees his sister or has an awareness of her presence. A couple of weeks ago he was playing on our bed, and suddenly he stopped, saw Olivia's blanket (which I never let him touch) and said "baby" and pointed. Other days he'll be with us and all of a sudden look in a different direction like something caught his attention and say "hi" or "ang-el". He also points to her baby picture up on the wall and says baby or angel. I have to believe in his ability to be aware of what adults may not be able to see or feel. It gives me hope that someday he'll just come out and say to us that he sees her. He can be our own little medium, with a direct connection to Olivia.
Also on my mind is my inability to just be happy. When I do have moments of feeling happy, I feel bad for this. Any happy occasions are clouded with the thought that whatever the occasion is, we're missing a very special little girl.
I have to share my experience after a difficult day last week. I was driving home from a quick trip to the grocery store, by myself. The sun was setting. I really wish I had a picture to show what my words can't do justice. I was really noticing how the sky in front of me, was bright, with clouds around it, the sun was beaming through this area of clouds down towards the ground almost as an entry way. The rest of the sky was very blah and gray. I said out loud through my tears "I want to be there." In response, I could hear "very soon child". I am not a morbid person, although it may sound that way. There is a huge part of my life missing here, and I can't wait for the day to have all the missing pieces together. If you ever walk through a cemetery you'll be made sadly aware of how many people lose children, of all ages. With how many people bury their babies, I wonder how some people don't have faith in a better life after here.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
1 Timothy 1:8-9
"So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life--not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time. " -1 Timothy 1:8-9
Long way home
I have been wanting to share how the Lord has changed my heart after losing Olivia. I spend a lot of time thinking and dreaming of life in Heaven. I feel God has placed such a desire in my heart to share with everyone I can that life after here is going to be AMAZING and truly something to look forward to!
Before losing our daughter, I can say I never thought about leaving earth. I know I am a child of God and will have an eternal life after here, but I wasn't ready to be "done" here on earth. I didn't like to think about dying soon or Jesus coming again as I'm young and want more time with my family. However, now I can't wait! I am ready!
It says in 1 Thessalonians 4:13- 18
"Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words."
As Steven Curtis Chapman sings in the song above, "we are just pilgrims passing through". All of the hurt and struggles we face here on earth, will be gone on that glorious day we meet our Lord in heaven. I don't know about any of you reading this, but I would have to agree with Steven Curtis Chapman that in this life, the "valleys are deeper and the mountains are steeper than I ever would've dreamed". "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an enternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18.
God has made it very simple for each one of us to ensure that we will spend an eternity with Him, and his children. If you have accepted his son, Jesus as your savior, the one who suffered the ultimate suffering, you will enjoy life after here on this earth. You have nothing to fear!
"But Jesus did not die on the cross simply to save your physical body. He died to save your eternal soul, the essence of who you are. His purpose in your life is not to give you a certain number of days on this earth, but to fit you--body and soul--for an eternity with him."-taken from a recent devotional we're reading.
I so look forward to a better life than here, where my family will all be together forever!
Long way home
I have been wanting to share how the Lord has changed my heart after losing Olivia. I spend a lot of time thinking and dreaming of life in Heaven. I feel God has placed such a desire in my heart to share with everyone I can that life after here is going to be AMAZING and truly something to look forward to!
Before losing our daughter, I can say I never thought about leaving earth. I know I am a child of God and will have an eternal life after here, but I wasn't ready to be "done" here on earth. I didn't like to think about dying soon or Jesus coming again as I'm young and want more time with my family. However, now I can't wait! I am ready!
It says in 1 Thessalonians 4:13- 18
"Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words."
As Steven Curtis Chapman sings in the song above, "we are just pilgrims passing through". All of the hurt and struggles we face here on earth, will be gone on that glorious day we meet our Lord in heaven. I don't know about any of you reading this, but I would have to agree with Steven Curtis Chapman that in this life, the "valleys are deeper and the mountains are steeper than I ever would've dreamed". "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an enternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18.
God has made it very simple for each one of us to ensure that we will spend an eternity with Him, and his children. If you have accepted his son, Jesus as your savior, the one who suffered the ultimate suffering, you will enjoy life after here on this earth. You have nothing to fear!
"But Jesus did not die on the cross simply to save your physical body. He died to save your eternal soul, the essence of who you are. His purpose in your life is not to give you a certain number of days on this earth, but to fit you--body and soul--for an eternity with him."-taken from a recent devotional we're reading.
I so look forward to a better life than here, where my family will all be together forever!
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Ephesians 6:10
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power."- Ephesians 6:10
During this past week I have experienced probably the worst social situation since losing my daughter. It happened during a work meeting when someone who obviously had not heard the news saw me and said very loudly "Oh wow, Ashley look at you...HOW'S THE BABY!?" After stating that I lost THE BABY, she couldn't just apologize and stop. She went on to say "oh, well don't you have another baby at home, SHE must be getting so big, how old is SHE?"--It took all the restraint I had in me to say yes, I do have another baby at home, that HE is 16 months old. Then I left the room, before I lost it. It boggles my mind to think that someone would behave this way. Talk about digging yourself into a bigger hole! I'm sure she felt bad after, but probably not as bad as I did. I thought to myself, does she really think that my having another "baby" at home, make losing a baby at 8 months pregnant easy(ier)? I have news for anyone who thinks that, it by no means makes it easier, it stinks just as bad. We had a lot of plans and dreams (as anyone expecting a baby would) for our son and daughter. We envisioned they'd be the best of buddies, being so close in age. We couldn't wait because neither of us had siblings close in age growing up. Now, I wait until the next big disaster conversation. It brings me back to a couple months ago when I really just didn't want to be around other people for fear of what they would say.
Also this week, I received a heartfelt letter in the mail from one of my dearest friends apologizing for not saying anything or not saying enough for fear of stirring up emotions. It made me wonder if I have done/said/written anything that makes people think they should not talk about Olivia. To my friend and anyone else who has had similar thoughts, don't worry that bringing up the subject is going to make me think more about it. The truth is, it is constantly on my mind. There is not one second of my waking hours that I'm not thinking of missing my daughter.
I guess I just ask that people are sympathetic. Like in the first scenario above, it's fine that she asked about my daughter, she had last seen me when I was very pregnant. People don't assume you may not have your baby (unless you've personally experienced it). I would like to think that once you did find out the bad news, that you'd choose your words more carefully, a simple "Oh I'm sorry" is good. Yet,
don't be afraid to talk about it around me, it is a huge part of my life, it is not news to me, I'm living it. I cry less when I'm able to talk about it. I don't however, want to discuss how my son is making the situation easier. They are individuals and I love them individually. Having one and not the other is not a substitute in my mind.
Sometimes I think that by losing a child, people view it as my having some disease that's contagious. I promise, it doesn't mean it will happen to you, if you discuss it with me. And even if it did happen to any of you, I'd be your biggest supporter.
During this past week I have experienced probably the worst social situation since losing my daughter. It happened during a work meeting when someone who obviously had not heard the news saw me and said very loudly "Oh wow, Ashley look at you...HOW'S THE BABY!?" After stating that I lost THE BABY, she couldn't just apologize and stop. She went on to say "oh, well don't you have another baby at home, SHE must be getting so big, how old is SHE?"--It took all the restraint I had in me to say yes, I do have another baby at home, that HE is 16 months old. Then I left the room, before I lost it. It boggles my mind to think that someone would behave this way. Talk about digging yourself into a bigger hole! I'm sure she felt bad after, but probably not as bad as I did. I thought to myself, does she really think that my having another "baby" at home, make losing a baby at 8 months pregnant easy(ier)? I have news for anyone who thinks that, it by no means makes it easier, it stinks just as bad. We had a lot of plans and dreams (as anyone expecting a baby would) for our son and daughter. We envisioned they'd be the best of buddies, being so close in age. We couldn't wait because neither of us had siblings close in age growing up. Now, I wait until the next big disaster conversation. It brings me back to a couple months ago when I really just didn't want to be around other people for fear of what they would say.
Also this week, I received a heartfelt letter in the mail from one of my dearest friends apologizing for not saying anything or not saying enough for fear of stirring up emotions. It made me wonder if I have done/said/written anything that makes people think they should not talk about Olivia. To my friend and anyone else who has had similar thoughts, don't worry that bringing up the subject is going to make me think more about it. The truth is, it is constantly on my mind. There is not one second of my waking hours that I'm not thinking of missing my daughter.
I guess I just ask that people are sympathetic. Like in the first scenario above, it's fine that she asked about my daughter, she had last seen me when I was very pregnant. People don't assume you may not have your baby (unless you've personally experienced it). I would like to think that once you did find out the bad news, that you'd choose your words more carefully, a simple "Oh I'm sorry" is good. Yet,
don't be afraid to talk about it around me, it is a huge part of my life, it is not news to me, I'm living it. I cry less when I'm able to talk about it. I don't however, want to discuss how my son is making the situation easier. They are individuals and I love them individually. Having one and not the other is not a substitute in my mind.
Sometimes I think that by losing a child, people view it as my having some disease that's contagious. I promise, it doesn't mean it will happen to you, if you discuss it with me. And even if it did happen to any of you, I'd be your biggest supporter.
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