"I am weary, God, but I can prevail." Proverbs 30:1
Last night, I brought up the subject of moving or re-locating the clothes we had for Olivia. They still remain in the closet and drawers in Cole's room (would have been their room together). Although we really haven't bought anything for Nathaniel, my desire to clean and organize has kicked in since Spring has officially begun, and I know we will need the space in the room. I have thought about it, off and on, but instantly seem to shut the idea down. I don't intend to get rid of her things yet as we aren't emotionally ready. We talk about wanting to donate or give them to someone who needs them, but that thought gets shut out too. Seems silly huh? Well it's a very real thought and emotion and it's painful.
We talked about it for about two minutes before I was in tears and Isaac gave me his thoughts of not wanting to do it either. Neither one of us even has the ability to look at those things and the thought of moving them out of the room is heart wrenching.
So, now I am left with the mission of figuring out what to do with her clothes and how and when will the right time be. I try to think of it as, "well every person who loses a loved one has to eventually get rid of the clothes." but then I think "yes, but having to get rid of clothes for a baby you had big dreams for, who you never even got to put in clothes seems a little different and a little bit unfair and not the way things should go." Yes, these are my thoughts, all over clothes.
I do know keeping them where they are is not going to change anything, it's not going to bring our daughter back. It's as if simply moving them from the room that she would have shared with her brother is making it more permanent.
So, for now the clothes will stay where they are...
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
1 Corinthians 2:9
"That is what the Scriptures mean when they say, No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9
It has been almost 1 year since our little Olivia was born into our Savior's arms. In preparing for her birthday, the vivid memories of that day can easily haunt me. There is not one minute of any day that I do not miss her or desire to have her here with us. I am getting emotionally exhausted just thinking of April 7, 2013 and how difficult that day will be, one year later, dreams having been shattered, yet a new blessing in my womb. One who would not have existed if one hadn't died. It is a challenge to comprehend. I am so thankful for a God who loves me and knows my thoughts and worries and can carry those burdens for me (when I let Him!).
I have been thinking a lot about how much I love Olivia, it's the same kind of growing love a mother has for a child that she gets to spend every day with, physically. I don't know what she would look like or how she would act or what her first words would have been, but she is my daughter, and I love her with all my heart and with time, that love is growing. I still get hurt and frustrated by people's hurtful comments that disqualify her short, precious life. I suppose I will live the rest of my days on earth educating people who have no clue. Something I will gladly do to honor my daughter, but not something I'm excited to have to endure.
I also often get frustrated at the fact that I don't know what she is doing or if she is still a baby in heaven. I imagine her as a baby, as that was when I last saw her physically. To me, she will always be my baby. I believe I am not the only mother who thinks often about their child's life in heaven. As the above verse states, I can't possibly fathom what lies ahead in heaven, but I believe it is going to be wonderful and breathtaking. Until then, I choose to daydream of my little girl and what she is doing.
"Someday, mommy, we will hold each other tight! Then you will cradle me in your arms, and stroke my hair...and once again, our hearts will beat together."- taken from Mommy Please Don't Cry.
It has been almost 1 year since our little Olivia was born into our Savior's arms. In preparing for her birthday, the vivid memories of that day can easily haunt me. There is not one minute of any day that I do not miss her or desire to have her here with us. I am getting emotionally exhausted just thinking of April 7, 2013 and how difficult that day will be, one year later, dreams having been shattered, yet a new blessing in my womb. One who would not have existed if one hadn't died. It is a challenge to comprehend. I am so thankful for a God who loves me and knows my thoughts and worries and can carry those burdens for me (when I let Him!).
I have been thinking a lot about how much I love Olivia, it's the same kind of growing love a mother has for a child that she gets to spend every day with, physically. I don't know what she would look like or how she would act or what her first words would have been, but she is my daughter, and I love her with all my heart and with time, that love is growing. I still get hurt and frustrated by people's hurtful comments that disqualify her short, precious life. I suppose I will live the rest of my days on earth educating people who have no clue. Something I will gladly do to honor my daughter, but not something I'm excited to have to endure.
I also often get frustrated at the fact that I don't know what she is doing or if she is still a baby in heaven. I imagine her as a baby, as that was when I last saw her physically. To me, she will always be my baby. I believe I am not the only mother who thinks often about their child's life in heaven. As the above verse states, I can't possibly fathom what lies ahead in heaven, but I believe it is going to be wonderful and breathtaking. Until then, I choose to daydream of my little girl and what she is doing.
"Someday, mommy, we will hold each other tight! Then you will cradle me in your arms, and stroke my hair...and once again, our hearts will beat together."- taken from Mommy Please Don't Cry.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Psalm 126:5
"Those who sow with tears, will reap with songs of joy"- Psalm 126:5
I had had a good stretch of time where I was truly trusting God to protect this new life growing in me. There was a period of time where I did not cry EVERY day. Then the fear crept in again.
Over the last week or two, I have been struggling with a lot of very vivid flashbacks to the day we went to the hospital and found out we had lost Olivia. I struggle with trying so hard to think back to the day before, April 6th, which happened to be Good Friday. When I have these thoughts, I become so focused on trying to figure out if there were warning signs I ignored or didn't pick up on. I try so hard to remember the last time I may have felt her kick. I think about what I could or should have done differently to maybe have gotten a better outcome (not a dead baby). I then start to worry will I make it to and/or past that 32 week mark this time, am I paying enough attention to how much he is moving. As these thoughts creep in, I sometimes give in and dwell on how much I miss not having our daughter and getting to know her personality (she'd be almost 1 now), but other times I am reminded that God can make all things new. I just need to continue trusting. I don't know God's plan and purpose in such grief but he has a far greater ability to bring "beauty out of ashes" than any of us could ever imagine.
I came across the above verse recently, and it has been ingrained on my mind. It is my prayer that in my grief, I am sowing for the Lord, and an example of how he provides and heals in the darkest of days. I know I will someday reap the true songs of joy in Heaven, but until then, I'm praying for the joy I imagine our rainbow baby will bring. I imagine getting to that point will bring with it a lot more tears, but hopefully more trust than fear.
I had had a good stretch of time where I was truly trusting God to protect this new life growing in me. There was a period of time where I did not cry EVERY day. Then the fear crept in again.
Over the last week or two, I have been struggling with a lot of very vivid flashbacks to the day we went to the hospital and found out we had lost Olivia. I struggle with trying so hard to think back to the day before, April 6th, which happened to be Good Friday. When I have these thoughts, I become so focused on trying to figure out if there were warning signs I ignored or didn't pick up on. I try so hard to remember the last time I may have felt her kick. I think about what I could or should have done differently to maybe have gotten a better outcome (not a dead baby). I then start to worry will I make it to and/or past that 32 week mark this time, am I paying enough attention to how much he is moving. As these thoughts creep in, I sometimes give in and dwell on how much I miss not having our daughter and getting to know her personality (she'd be almost 1 now), but other times I am reminded that God can make all things new. I just need to continue trusting. I don't know God's plan and purpose in such grief but he has a far greater ability to bring "beauty out of ashes" than any of us could ever imagine.
I came across the above verse recently, and it has been ingrained on my mind. It is my prayer that in my grief, I am sowing for the Lord, and an example of how he provides and heals in the darkest of days. I know I will someday reap the true songs of joy in Heaven, but until then, I'm praying for the joy I imagine our rainbow baby will bring. I imagine getting to that point will bring with it a lot more tears, but hopefully more trust than fear.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
1 Timothy 2:9-10
" I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God." 1 Timothy 2:9-10
My blessing and lesson for today from God:
While shopping for new shoes for Cole, I ran into another baby loss mom whom I met in the last 9 months. I was so relieved and happy to see her, as she now has a 5 month old baby boy, whom happened to be her 3rd child, 2nd living son. She too lost a baby girl not very long ago. After chatting for a few minutes, we both went about our shoe shopping. We happened to meet back at the check out. While in line we both kind of understandingly commented on the boring selection for boys and how it's not fun seeing all the cute, sparkly girl shoes. Although it truly does hurt and make you want to feel bad for yourself, it was a blessing in its own way, to have someone right there, at that moment, when you had those thoughts, who could just comprehend and feel how you were feeling.
My initial thoughts were that I want to make an effort to encourage moms who have little girls to make sure to buy their daughter's girly, frilly things and to treat them like the princesses' they are. As I thought more about it, I was led to the above verse along with Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." The world we live in draws us to think girls, young women, older women should and need to be adorned in the finest "things", including make-up, clothes, shoes, jewelry and other accessories. However God tells us in His Word the way in which he wants a woman to dress and behave and it is far from the world's view.
So, after my pity party for myself and missing out on the opportunity to dress my little Olivia in cute clothes and shoes, I am now hoping to encourage mom's of daughter's, whether they are little or older, to lead your daughter's in the way that God desires them to be- modest, and God fearing (with a little sparkle and glitter to be a shining light for God)
My blessing and lesson for today from God:
While shopping for new shoes for Cole, I ran into another baby loss mom whom I met in the last 9 months. I was so relieved and happy to see her, as she now has a 5 month old baby boy, whom happened to be her 3rd child, 2nd living son. She too lost a baby girl not very long ago. After chatting for a few minutes, we both went about our shoe shopping. We happened to meet back at the check out. While in line we both kind of understandingly commented on the boring selection for boys and how it's not fun seeing all the cute, sparkly girl shoes. Although it truly does hurt and make you want to feel bad for yourself, it was a blessing in its own way, to have someone right there, at that moment, when you had those thoughts, who could just comprehend and feel how you were feeling.
My initial thoughts were that I want to make an effort to encourage moms who have little girls to make sure to buy their daughter's girly, frilly things and to treat them like the princesses' they are. As I thought more about it, I was led to the above verse along with Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." The world we live in draws us to think girls, young women, older women should and need to be adorned in the finest "things", including make-up, clothes, shoes, jewelry and other accessories. However God tells us in His Word the way in which he wants a woman to dress and behave and it is far from the world's view.
So, after my pity party for myself and missing out on the opportunity to dress my little Olivia in cute clothes and shoes, I am now hoping to encourage mom's of daughter's, whether they are little or older, to lead your daughter's in the way that God desires them to be- modest, and God fearing (with a little sparkle and glitter to be a shining light for God)
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Psalms 46:10
"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." -Psalms 46:10
God has been revealing to me a lot about trusting Him through His word. Throughout life struggles, I have always been able to rely on Him and trust in Him, ultimately to see me through. However losing a child has been the worst, most painful and emotionally exhausting "storm" that has come my way by far!
I am thankful to say, He has brought us a long way in the last 9 months, bringing us from the days that didn't seem bearable to days that come and go, with tears shed, but with an amazing hope.
Being pregnant now is truly a blessing, but has really tested my ability to just trust and let go of worries.
I'd like to share a reading from one of the devotionals I'm reading through now. It is called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.
"Trust Me by relinquishing control into My hands. Let go, and recognize that I am God. This is my world: I made it and I control it. Yours is a responsive part in the litany of Love. I search among My children for receptivity to Me. Guard well this gift that I have planted in your heart. Nurture it with the Light of My Presence.
When you bring Me prayer requests, lay out your concerns before Me. Speak to Me candidly; pour out your heart. Then thank Me for the answers that I have set into motion long before you can discern results. When your requests come to mind again, continue to thank Me for answers that are on the way. If you keep on stating your concerns to Me, you will live in a state of tension. When you thank Me for how I am answering your prayers, your mind-set becomes much more positive. Thankful prayers keep your focus on My Presence and My promises."
I am determined to put this into practice for the rest of this pregnancy and in the years to come. So far, it feels a lot better, than the mind-set of worry I had been in. Don't get me wrong, it is still a struggle. I have never been a very anxious person until this past year. I don't know how best to descibe it other than a shaky horrible feeling that leaves you sick to your stomach, all coming from negative thinking that you just can't seem to control. It takes a lot of energy on your own to calm yourself down when worry and anxiety enters your mind. It's a lot more manageable with the help of The Helper. Thank goodness for a Lord who bears our burdens and lightens our load.
Today, I did something I told myself and Isaac I would not do this pregnancy, and that was to buy clothes in preparation for our new baby boy. I only bought a of couple of outfits but you know what, it felt good to not feel so doubtful and just trust that we would be bringing home a baby this time.
We have chosen a name for the baby that also symbolizes our trust that God is going to bless us. His name is Nathaniel Josiah, meaning given of God, God sustains.
Thank you for your continued prayers!
God has been revealing to me a lot about trusting Him through His word. Throughout life struggles, I have always been able to rely on Him and trust in Him, ultimately to see me through. However losing a child has been the worst, most painful and emotionally exhausting "storm" that has come my way by far!
I am thankful to say, He has brought us a long way in the last 9 months, bringing us from the days that didn't seem bearable to days that come and go, with tears shed, but with an amazing hope.
Being pregnant now is truly a blessing, but has really tested my ability to just trust and let go of worries.
I'd like to share a reading from one of the devotionals I'm reading through now. It is called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.
"Trust Me by relinquishing control into My hands. Let go, and recognize that I am God. This is my world: I made it and I control it. Yours is a responsive part in the litany of Love. I search among My children for receptivity to Me. Guard well this gift that I have planted in your heart. Nurture it with the Light of My Presence.
When you bring Me prayer requests, lay out your concerns before Me. Speak to Me candidly; pour out your heart. Then thank Me for the answers that I have set into motion long before you can discern results. When your requests come to mind again, continue to thank Me for answers that are on the way. If you keep on stating your concerns to Me, you will live in a state of tension. When you thank Me for how I am answering your prayers, your mind-set becomes much more positive. Thankful prayers keep your focus on My Presence and My promises."
I am determined to put this into practice for the rest of this pregnancy and in the years to come. So far, it feels a lot better, than the mind-set of worry I had been in. Don't get me wrong, it is still a struggle. I have never been a very anxious person until this past year. I don't know how best to descibe it other than a shaky horrible feeling that leaves you sick to your stomach, all coming from negative thinking that you just can't seem to control. It takes a lot of energy on your own to calm yourself down when worry and anxiety enters your mind. It's a lot more manageable with the help of The Helper. Thank goodness for a Lord who bears our burdens and lightens our load.
Today, I did something I told myself and Isaac I would not do this pregnancy, and that was to buy clothes in preparation for our new baby boy. I only bought a of couple of outfits but you know what, it felt good to not feel so doubtful and just trust that we would be bringing home a baby this time.
We have chosen a name for the baby that also symbolizes our trust that God is going to bless us. His name is Nathaniel Josiah, meaning given of God, God sustains.
Thank you for your continued prayers!
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Isaiah 41:10
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
Written November 22, 2012:
I am currently just past 10 weeks with my third child, 4th pregnancy. I had a very early miscarriage in July this year. Since then I had testing done to be sure I have no clotting disorders or problems with hormone levels and am thankful to say all of it was negative.
Pregnancy after having a stillborn is emotionally VERY complicated. This time, I wasn't aware I was pregnant like with past pregnancies, and even when I missed my period, I didn't believe it. I functioned on such doubt, and expected my period was just late because of stress- I still check my underwear and the toilet everytime I use the bathroom. I truly didn't allow myself to believe it until I had my first OB appointment and had an ultrasound. I started telling God "it's ok, please give me such morning sickness that I puke my brains out" because I felt the stronger the symptoms, the more viable this pregnancy and this baby's life will be. Well, that hasn't happened, but if it does I'll be ok with it.
I also do not have a desire to tell anyone (Isaac knows of course). Honestly, if my body didn't grow so much with pregnancy, and I could hide it, I wouldn't announce this pregnancy. It feels like such a personal experience and I just want to keep it to myself. While I'm pregnant with another baby, I'm grieving for the one I lost, everyday. I have cried every single day of this pregnancy, for this new baby, and for my Olivia. I have this feeling that something will go wrong with the baby when I tell people of my being pregnant, a little superstitious I guess. However I don't think I'm alone in this thinking.
As I have said previously, having a stillborn has made me lose all innocence around pregnancy. I don't have that joy and excitement like with Cole and Olivia. Although I am thankful for this life and deep down can only hope for a living baby in the end. I am often filled with doubt, worry, and fear. In fact, if you are reading this and have had a recent announcement of your own, I pray for you. Even though I can't bring myself to say "congratulations", I am happy for you, however I am far too aware of how fragile the life of an unborn baby is. In fact, I think part of my fear in telling anyone about my pregnancy is hearing the "congratulations" and whatever comments may come as many people have voiced their opinion in our future child bearing. Common courtesy lesson, don't ask anyone, let alone a couple who has had a recent pregnancy loss, "when are you going to try again?" or "You're young, you can just have more". It's personal and quite frankly, no one's business.
You may be wondering what will be different this time as far as monitoring by my OB. I have chosen to stay with my current doctor as I know she will treat me "high risk". After meeting with a perinatologist, it became very clear to me that I would be at the bottom of their priority list as I don't have co-morbidities that make me truly high risk. I was told I will have an ultrasound at every appointment, which really made me breathe a little sigh of relief. When and if I reach 30 weeks, I will have appointments twice a week and have biophysical profiles done to monitor the breathing, movement, and reactivity of baby and amniotic fluid levels. It is this testing, I have been told by several other baby loss moms that have had babies since, is what helped them to not have another loss.
So, if you're the type who prays, please pray for this little life, and for God's will.
Written November 22, 2012:
I am currently just past 10 weeks with my third child, 4th pregnancy. I had a very early miscarriage in July this year. Since then I had testing done to be sure I have no clotting disorders or problems with hormone levels and am thankful to say all of it was negative.
Pregnancy after having a stillborn is emotionally VERY complicated. This time, I wasn't aware I was pregnant like with past pregnancies, and even when I missed my period, I didn't believe it. I functioned on such doubt, and expected my period was just late because of stress- I still check my underwear and the toilet everytime I use the bathroom. I truly didn't allow myself to believe it until I had my first OB appointment and had an ultrasound. I started telling God "it's ok, please give me such morning sickness that I puke my brains out" because I felt the stronger the symptoms, the more viable this pregnancy and this baby's life will be. Well, that hasn't happened, but if it does I'll be ok with it.
I also do not have a desire to tell anyone (Isaac knows of course). Honestly, if my body didn't grow so much with pregnancy, and I could hide it, I wouldn't announce this pregnancy. It feels like such a personal experience and I just want to keep it to myself. While I'm pregnant with another baby, I'm grieving for the one I lost, everyday. I have cried every single day of this pregnancy, for this new baby, and for my Olivia. I have this feeling that something will go wrong with the baby when I tell people of my being pregnant, a little superstitious I guess. However I don't think I'm alone in this thinking.
As I have said previously, having a stillborn has made me lose all innocence around pregnancy. I don't have that joy and excitement like with Cole and Olivia. Although I am thankful for this life and deep down can only hope for a living baby in the end. I am often filled with doubt, worry, and fear. In fact, if you are reading this and have had a recent announcement of your own, I pray for you. Even though I can't bring myself to say "congratulations", I am happy for you, however I am far too aware of how fragile the life of an unborn baby is. In fact, I think part of my fear in telling anyone about my pregnancy is hearing the "congratulations" and whatever comments may come as many people have voiced their opinion in our future child bearing. Common courtesy lesson, don't ask anyone, let alone a couple who has had a recent pregnancy loss, "when are you going to try again?" or "You're young, you can just have more". It's personal and quite frankly, no one's business.
You may be wondering what will be different this time as far as monitoring by my OB. I have chosen to stay with my current doctor as I know she will treat me "high risk". After meeting with a perinatologist, it became very clear to me that I would be at the bottom of their priority list as I don't have co-morbidities that make me truly high risk. I was told I will have an ultrasound at every appointment, which really made me breathe a little sigh of relief. When and if I reach 30 weeks, I will have appointments twice a week and have biophysical profiles done to monitor the breathing, movement, and reactivity of baby and amniotic fluid levels. It is this testing, I have been told by several other baby loss moms that have had babies since, is what helped them to not have another loss.
So, if you're the type who prays, please pray for this little life, and for God's will.
December 19, 2012
I have decided to post this as truly I'm trying to become more joyful and not so fearful. I realize it is becoming more physically evident that I am either eating too much during the holidays or that maybe I'm expecting.
I continue to cry everyday of this pregnancy. I think of being pregnant and I cry over missing Olivia and the thought that something could go wrong with this baby too. I still don't allow myself to fully believe that I'm pregnant despite the flutters and waves of baby movement I feel. A defense mechanism I suppose. Every little twinge of discomfort, I panic. I imagine I will become best friends (or worst nightmare) with every OB in the practice I am a patient at.
A friend of mine, who also has had a baby loss said to me when I told her just a couple of days ago that I was pregnant again "If there was anything I wished I did differently it would be to enjoy the pregnancy instead of cry about my loss."- Thank you for that, Sarah. It is not easy to do, but it is my prayer that God would give me more joy to be able to do so. As my struggle with being so fearful has grown stronger, God's timing is perfect, last night we read "Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything. God blesses the people who patiently endure testing. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:2-4, 12
Again, I would ask that if you pray for Isaac, Cole and I that you would pray for this new little baby and for a more joyful, and not so fearful me.
2012 Christmas letter
We did not create a Christmas card this year as it just
didn’t seem right; however we’d like to send you a message from us. As you
know, this has been a very difficult year for our family, and we look forward
to a better year ahead. We enter this holiday season with sadness over the loss
of our precious baby girl, Olivia, and mourn the inability to share Christmas
and family traditions with her. However we recognize that she is with Our
Savior, the very reason we have and celebrate Christmas. Makes one wonder what
a celebration it must be to be in His very presence on His birthday! What a
lucky little angel she is!
Isaac and I have learned so much about the true meaning of
“Hope” this year. Hope is in the Promise
God has given us in the birth of his Son, Jesus. Hope is the expectation that
what lies ahead will be better. That day when we, as children of God are united
with Jesus is truly something to desire.
“For to us a child is
born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and
his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father,
Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6
Through this year, Jesus has been our Wonderful Counselor, he has provided us the comfort we have needed
most and guided us through a parents’ worst nightmare. He has been our Mighty God in strengthening our marriage
and bond as a family and with Him. He is our Everlasting Father, who will always pick us back up and bring us
out of the deepest despair. He has been and continues to be our Prince of Peace as there is no greater
source of peace in the difficult times that seem too much to bear.
It is our family’s HOPE that you too will feel the presence
of God in your lives’ this holiday season and the coming year. Merry Christmas!
Love,
Isaac, Ashley, Cole and Angel Olivia
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