Isaiah 41:10

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed , for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

It has been awhile since I've written anything. My husband reminded me of this recently. I think it's just as therapeutic for him as it is for me. I'm hoping that by doing so today, I will feel a little better. I have been feeling more than dismayed some days (i'm not sure of the accurate word to describe it other than how it's stated in the above verse). I miss my daughter. I miss getting to know her like we've gotten to know Cole and watching her grow. I read a lot about heaven and people's heavenly experiences when they've had near death experiences. I find peace in those kinds of stories. Somedays it seems like Cole either sees his sister or has an awareness of her presence. A couple of weeks ago he was playing on our bed, and suddenly he stopped, saw Olivia's blanket (which I never let him touch) and said "baby" and pointed. Other days he'll be with us and all of a sudden look in a different direction like something caught his attention and say "hi" or "ang-el". He also points to her baby picture up on the wall and says baby or angel. I have to believe in his ability to be aware of what adults may not be able to see or feel. It gives me hope that someday he'll just come out and say to us that he sees her. He can be our own little medium, with a direct connection to Olivia.
Also on my mind is my inability to just be happy. When I do have moments of feeling happy, I feel bad for this. Any happy occasions are clouded with the thought that whatever the occasion is, we're missing a very special little girl.
 I have to share my experience after a difficult day last week. I was driving home from a quick trip to the grocery store, by myself. The sun was setting. I really wish I had a picture to show what my words can't do justice. I was really noticing how the sky in front of me, was bright, with clouds around it, the sun was beaming through this area of clouds down towards the ground almost as an entry way. The rest of the sky was very blah and gray. I said out loud through my tears "I want to be there." In response, I could hear "very soon child". I am not a morbid person, although it may sound that way. There is a huge part of my life missing here, and I can't wait for the day to have all the missing pieces together. If you ever walk through a cemetery you'll be made sadly aware of how many people lose children, of all ages. With how many people bury their babies, I wonder how some people don't have faith in a better life after here.

1 Timothy 1:8-9

"So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life--not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time. " -1 Timothy 1:8-9

Long way home

I have been wanting to share how the Lord has changed my heart after losing Olivia. I spend a lot of time thinking and dreaming of life in Heaven. I feel God has placed such a desire in my heart to share with everyone I can that life after here is going to be AMAZING and truly something to look forward to!
Before losing our daughter, I can say I never thought about leaving earth. I know I am a child of God and will have an eternal life after here, but I wasn't ready to be "done" here on earth. I didn't like to think about dying soon or Jesus coming again as I'm young and want more time with my family. However, now I can't wait! I am ready!
It says in 1 Thessalonians 4:13- 18
"Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words." 
As Steven Curtis Chapman sings in the song above, "we are just pilgrims passing through". All of the hurt and struggles we face here on earth, will be gone on that glorious day we meet our Lord in heaven. I don't know about any of you reading this, but I would have to agree with Steven Curtis Chapman that in this life, the "valleys are deeper and the mountains are steeper than I ever would've dreamed". "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an enternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18.
God has made it very simple for each one of us to ensure that we will spend an eternity with Him, and his children. If you have accepted his son, Jesus as your savior, the one who suffered the ultimate suffering, you will enjoy life after here on this earth. You have nothing to fear!
"But Jesus did not die on the cross simply to save your physical body. He died to save your eternal soul, the essence of who you are. His purpose in your life is not to give you a certain number of days on this earth, but to fit you--body and soul--for an eternity with him."-taken from a recent devotional we're reading.

I so look forward to a better life than here, where my family will all be together forever!