Romans 8:17-18, Colossians 3:1-2

On Olivia's first birthday in Heaven, we had a Celebration of Hope, at the cemetery to remember her and praise God for the promise he has given us through eternal life with Him. Isaac and I thank all who came and supported us. There is nothing more special than seeing that other's remember and think about our little girl even though she wasn't "known" by them.

Below is what I shared at the Celebration of Hope.

"If we are to share His glory, we must also share His suffering. Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will give us later." Romans 8:17-18

April 7th, 2013 one year later. Some days I wonder how I made it, however, I know how I made it. God carried me. It's very true, there's no other way to get through such heartache. I no longer ask God "why". God has truly revealed to me, that HIS son suffered the ultimate pain imaginable. It was His son, Jesus who died on the cross for all of mankind, so that we could have eternal life with Him. We were never promised that this life was going to be easy, and without struggles or in my case such grieving. One year later, I am trying to bring glory to God through the pain I am still dealing with over losing my daughter.  I don't imagine the pain of losing a child goes away, ever, but through this, one year later, I can say God has used our little girl's short life to teach us, about Himself and about ourselves'.

The loss of Olivia has stretched my faith in unimaginable ways, yet has, ultimately made it stronger. When you're faced with such a loss, how can you not seek God? I have met a lot of baby loss mom's and families in the last year, and without God, it seems to be much more of a grim path towards healing. There's no hope without God.

 I have become a more giving person. It's amazing how many mailings we now get for all sorts of organizations requesting donations. I mostly desire to donate to anything having to do with children, yet can sometimes be caught in a mood to just write a check to whatever comes my way.

I have new passions that I wouldn't have dreamed I would have. I am now part of a life long club, which gains new members every day, more often than you'll ever want to imagine. I have a strong desire to offer support and comfort to new members, and to educate those who are not affected by the kind of loss that gains you membership into this club. I am not afraid to answer the question "how many children do you have?" with a very honest answer.

The biggest most pleasing change in me has been my utter loss of fear about death and dying. It's as if the uncertainty has been lifted from my mind, heart and eyes. Having a child born into the arms of Jesus has given me glimpses into what an amazing life we have to look forward to, an eternity in heaven, with Jesus and all our loved ones'. No more pain, crying, sorrow or worries. This life is fragile and temporary. It's not our jobs as Christians to get comfortable living here on earth. We're here to honor God, and look forward to that day of meeting Him.

So, today, we don't celebrate a birthday in the sense that a birthday is usually celebrated. We're celebrating the life of our daughter and the change God has allowed in our lives'. If it weren't for the short, but very meaningful and unforgettable life of Olivia Taylor Bardsley these changes may not have ever happened. We have a Hope that we can imagine yet can't fathom until it's our turn to meet our Savior face to face. We now live our lives' in great expectation of that day!

"Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your thoughs on the realities of Heaven, where Christ sits at God's right hand in the place of honor and power. Let Heaven fill your thoughts. Do not think only about things down here on earth." Colossians 3:1-2

1 Peter 4:1

"Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin." 1 Peter 4:1

I am experiencing and going through this week (the week leading up to Olivia's birthday) yet not enjoying one moment of it. I had spent the better half of this past year trying to prepare myself for this time of year, wondering how I would feel and respond and what we would do that's special to remember her. Let's just say, I am incredibly irritable!...mixed with sadness and maybe a few angry feelings along with guilt mixed in. I am confused emotionally as I'm carrying Nathaniel and feeling him move in my womb, thinking back to this time last year and then just really wanting to have Olivia to hug and squeeze right now.
I am scared about April 6th, the last day Olivia's heart beat, scared about April 7th, her birthday and April 8th, the day we said goodbye to her and, well the days after that too. I remember feeling empty physically and emotionally and I'm wondering how I will feel this year with a baby kicking and squirming inside me. Then those thoughts of losing Nathaniel cross my mind too, wondering if it will happen again.
I am brought to the above verse and trying so very hard to keep in mind what God has taught me in the last year, that Jesus suffered, and knows just what I'm going through. Suffering builds endurance and strength to be able to handle...more suffering! Or (what I'm really trying to remember) it builds character and offers the ability to see things in a different light. It changes our perspective on things. Not too much bothers me anymore, other than just dealing with grieving and missing Olivia. I sure don't "sweat the small stuff" in life.