"I lift up my eyes to the hills--where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip-he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you- the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm- he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." Psalm 121
I am so very ready for this long, cold winter to be over. I have struggled so much over the last couple of months with anxiety and depression. In part, due to lack of sleep (little man who didn't learn to sleep well until just recently). But mostly because this time of year has just become a very hard time, a time of anticipation of another year passed.
We're coming up on Cole's 3rd birthday. I look at him and I get so sad because we're missing someone in our home. Someone who would be just 13 months behind him. There isn't a single day that I don't ache for that sweet girl. I struggle because so many people around me talk of making their family's "complete" with X amount of children (for some reason I can't get away from that conversation). I'll never know what that feels like on this side of the veil. That is such a hang up for me, I admit that. It hurts.
As I sit and type this now, I can hear the birds chirping outside, although it's still very cold, it's a sign that spring is coming. A time for life and growth. It's become an oxymoron for me. We lost our daughter during that time almost 2 years ago. Many people may not remember or even realize, our little Olivia took her last breath on Good Friday 2 years ago, we left her tiny, cold body with unfamiliar people in the hospital on Easter Sunday of 2012. We're follower's of Christ, that is an emotional time of year as it is. It is symbolic to us to know that she is ALIVE in Christ, and that it happened at that time of year, but it makes Easter all that more emotional for us.
That anxiety I mentioned hits me at night, when I wake either on my own or because of one of our boys. I'm all of a sudden left with flashbacks of those few days, the last day she was alive in my womb, the day we found out we lost her, my labor and delivery and our time with her, then the weeks following. There are so many dates that are engrained in my mind around the loss of her. Two years later, it is still such a horrible heartache and the guilty feelings that satan places in my mind are sometimes too much. Yes life has gotten easier with time, but there is just still so much sadness.
I'm thankful for the reminders from my support system and from God Himself that he is and will always be my help. When I'm closest to Him, I'm allowing Him to comfort me. He knows all my hurts and each tear that runs down my face. What an amazing thought. So can't wait until that day when I get to meet Him face to face and not have any of this sadness or heartache ever again. To be joyful and filled with happiness! To have all of my family with me and feel "complete".
