"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." - Hebrews 12:7, 11
This post is to my loving husband. I am watching you turn into such a strong man of God. I was thinking today, how it has been about a year since you were baptized and how since that time, when you re-committed your life to Jesus you have been under Satan's attack. It is Satan who sets out to turn good to evil and only our Heavenly Father who can mature us and bring good from bad. Since losing our daughter, Satan has set out to ruin our family and turn that already awful tragedy into something even worse. And why wouldn't he, it was a perfect opportunity- being so vulnerable and full of questions for God.
I am so thankful for God's work in your life and in our marriage.
God loves you and from that day last June when you were baptized, he knew he wasn't finished with you. He's working on making you who He intends for you to be, preparing you for the day we face Him and enter His eternal kingdom; the day we get to hold Olivia again. Keep seeking Him and let Him refine you. Our loss of Olivia is a very heavy load to bear, but somehow God is maturing us and teaching us about His love and grace.
I love you!
To those who have been praying for us, even without knowing the full details of how losing Olivia has affected us, please keep praying! We thank you and love you.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Psalm 126:5
"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." -Psalm 126:5
I have been doing A LOT of thinking about how we grieve and how we respond to people who are grieving. It has been revealed to me how some people just have a natural or maybe learned ability to reach out to those who are grieving for one reason or another. I am happy to say that I have been blessed to have some of these people in my life, helping me through my current grieving, over Olivia. On the other hand, it has been brought to my attention that some people ask "Really?" when they ask how we are and get the response "they are still grieving". My response to this is just that,"REALLY?!" It amazes me how our society views the grief process- that it's a specific order of feelings and has a timeframe attached to it. I have to say if one thing has gotten me to an angry point in all of this, it is this kind of thinking. It has been nearly 3 months since we lost our daughter. Apparently to some, that is plenty of time for making it through this type of roller coaster of emotions. However, this is not reality. I still hate that I don't get to hold my daughter and have her waking me up at all hours of the night. I hate that I won't get to see her meet all of those developmental milestones, hear her giggle and hear her cry. I cry everyday about this, several times a day. I may go a couple of hours feeling somewhat "normal", but can then be completely blindsided with grief over something minor that reminds me of not having her or even by nothing at all. I am emotionally fragile and anticipate this will last for a very long time. I don't plan on getting over this, I am hoping to make it through it. It is so evident that God has his hand in all of this, and I am so thankful for such a loving, caring God who weeps for and with me and provides me with signs of his presence on a daily basis.
I would like to challenge anyone who reads this to step out of your comfort zone and reach out to anyone you know who might be struggling or "grieving" over something and really try to come to a new understanding of grief. There is no timeframe on how long it takes to heal. When you ask someone "how are you?" ask like you really want to hear and know. There is so much suffering in this life, so why not learn how to bear one another's burdens as Jesus did for us.
I have been doing A LOT of thinking about how we grieve and how we respond to people who are grieving. It has been revealed to me how some people just have a natural or maybe learned ability to reach out to those who are grieving for one reason or another. I am happy to say that I have been blessed to have some of these people in my life, helping me through my current grieving, over Olivia. On the other hand, it has been brought to my attention that some people ask "Really?" when they ask how we are and get the response "they are still grieving". My response to this is just that,"REALLY?!" It amazes me how our society views the grief process- that it's a specific order of feelings and has a timeframe attached to it. I have to say if one thing has gotten me to an angry point in all of this, it is this kind of thinking. It has been nearly 3 months since we lost our daughter. Apparently to some, that is plenty of time for making it through this type of roller coaster of emotions. However, this is not reality. I still hate that I don't get to hold my daughter and have her waking me up at all hours of the night. I hate that I won't get to see her meet all of those developmental milestones, hear her giggle and hear her cry. I cry everyday about this, several times a day. I may go a couple of hours feeling somewhat "normal", but can then be completely blindsided with grief over something minor that reminds me of not having her or even by nothing at all. I am emotionally fragile and anticipate this will last for a very long time. I don't plan on getting over this, I am hoping to make it through it. It is so evident that God has his hand in all of this, and I am so thankful for such a loving, caring God who weeps for and with me and provides me with signs of his presence on a daily basis.
I would like to challenge anyone who reads this to step out of your comfort zone and reach out to anyone you know who might be struggling or "grieving" over something and really try to come to a new understanding of grief. There is no timeframe on how long it takes to heal. When you ask someone "how are you?" ask like you really want to hear and know. There is so much suffering in this life, so why not learn how to bear one another's burdens as Jesus did for us.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Psalm 139:7-10
"I can never escape from your spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the place of the dead, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me." -Psalm 139:7-10
Yesterday, I had been having a particularly difficult day. I was going through my work day with a heavy heart. While visiting with my last patient of the day, I shared my recent loss of our daughter with his caretaker, feeling it appropriate after she had shared with me about the reason for this person's disability. She looked at me and said with a sad look in her eye "I'm really shocked you came out and said that, I guess I imagine you would not want to talk about it." She then went on to say "If you ever want to feel like you're not alone, look up Blackstone Valley Angel of Hope." She briefly told me about what it stood for. So, when I got to my car, I looked it up on my phone and discovered it was right in Uxbridge, where I was. I drove to the address. To my surprise it was the very same park entrance I had noticed over the last couple of weeks and had, had a desire to see what was beyond the entrance but didn't take the time to stop as its entrance is chained off. Now to my understanding the chain is probably there because they don't want people to attempt driving in. So I pulled over on the curb and walked into the wooded area. It was a fair distance in before I saw this beautiful angel statue and the story that goes along with this memorial garden.
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Yesterday, I had been having a particularly difficult day. I was going through my work day with a heavy heart. While visiting with my last patient of the day, I shared my recent loss of our daughter with his caretaker, feeling it appropriate after she had shared with me about the reason for this person's disability. She looked at me and said with a sad look in her eye "I'm really shocked you came out and said that, I guess I imagine you would not want to talk about it." She then went on to say "If you ever want to feel like you're not alone, look up Blackstone Valley Angel of Hope." She briefly told me about what it stood for. So, when I got to my car, I looked it up on my phone and discovered it was right in Uxbridge, where I was. I drove to the address. To my surprise it was the very same park entrance I had noticed over the last couple of weeks and had, had a desire to see what was beyond the entrance but didn't take the time to stop as its entrance is chained off. Now to my understanding the chain is probably there because they don't want people to attempt driving in. So I pulled over on the curb and walked into the wooded area. It was a fair distance in before I saw this beautiful angel statue and the story that goes along with this memorial garden.
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Walking around the garden, reading the stones that have been donated by parents in memory of their child, I felt sad, yet as the woman had said "not alone". It makes me horribly sad to be part of the group of people who knows what it's like to lose a child, but at the same time, I am filled with a sense of HOPE. The word hope as a verb means "to look forward to with reasonable desire and confidence". It is very clear to me at this time in my life that I have never had as much hope for anything in life as I do now. I hope for the future I have in heaven with my daughter and other loved ones'. Also, in finding this garden area, I was reminded how much God cares for me, that during a day which I was feeling extra sad, he cared enough to lead me to this very special place. We don't have to ask, He provides just what we need at just the right time- even if we can't understand his timing.
"His Spirit searches out everything and shows us even God's deep secrets. No one can know what anyone else is really thinking except that person alone, and no one can know God's thoughts except God's own Spririt. And God has actually given us His Spirit (not the world's spirit) so we can know the wonderful things God has freely given us. But people who aren't Christians can't understand these truths from God's Spirit."- 1Corinthian's 2:10-12, 14
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Proverbs 29:22
"An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot tempered one commits many sins"- Proverbs 29:22
Just yesterday I was told that "you really need to get angry". This was said to me by someone I rarely see while I was in tears after speaking with the superintendent of the cemetery that Olivia is buried in. I have been on their case about putting Olivia's stone down since I got word that they have it. They have had the stone for about a month now, but have told me that they only put them down two times a year, meaning the next time is in the Fall. I will admit I got agitated and very close to being hot tempered with the person on the phone as they also told me we can not plant in front of her stone, only in front of my grandparent's. For anyone reading this, you may wonder what the big deal is, but it is a very big deal when a piece of black granite is all you have marking your child's short existence here on earth.
The statement "you need to get angry" hit me, like maybe I do need to. I've thought a lot about it since yesterday and realize the potential to get angry is there inside of me. It usually just comes out as tears.
I felt angry tonight as I read Cole the story of Jairus' daughter whom Jesus brought back to life in the book of Matthew. Yet it came out as tears. I know both Isaac and I prayed for God to do this while I was in labor on April 7th. Being reminded of this story, makes me angry that he didn't do it with Olivia. However then I look to the verses Lamentations 3:32 which says "Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love." and Lamentations 3:38 "Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both calamities and good things come?" I can't imagine what good can come from losing a child, but I choose to believe that the Lord is showing compassion on us.
We are the direct result of the suffering God promised after the disobedience of Adam and Eve. It makes me sad, resentful, and angry, but somehow I am able to accept God's compassion and go one day at a time through all of my emotions.
As an aside, tomorrow marks 2 months for our sweet little angel whom we miss immensely and can't wait to spend eternity with.
Just yesterday I was told that "you really need to get angry". This was said to me by someone I rarely see while I was in tears after speaking with the superintendent of the cemetery that Olivia is buried in. I have been on their case about putting Olivia's stone down since I got word that they have it. They have had the stone for about a month now, but have told me that they only put them down two times a year, meaning the next time is in the Fall. I will admit I got agitated and very close to being hot tempered with the person on the phone as they also told me we can not plant in front of her stone, only in front of my grandparent's. For anyone reading this, you may wonder what the big deal is, but it is a very big deal when a piece of black granite is all you have marking your child's short existence here on earth.
The statement "you need to get angry" hit me, like maybe I do need to. I've thought a lot about it since yesterday and realize the potential to get angry is there inside of me. It usually just comes out as tears.
I felt angry tonight as I read Cole the story of Jairus' daughter whom Jesus brought back to life in the book of Matthew. Yet it came out as tears. I know both Isaac and I prayed for God to do this while I was in labor on April 7th. Being reminded of this story, makes me angry that he didn't do it with Olivia. However then I look to the verses Lamentations 3:32 which says "Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love." and Lamentations 3:38 "Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both calamities and good things come?" I can't imagine what good can come from losing a child, but I choose to believe that the Lord is showing compassion on us.
We are the direct result of the suffering God promised after the disobedience of Adam and Eve. It makes me sad, resentful, and angry, but somehow I am able to accept God's compassion and go one day at a time through all of my emotions.
As an aside, tomorrow marks 2 months for our sweet little angel whom we miss immensely and can't wait to spend eternity with.
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