Isaiah 41:10

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Written November 22, 2012:
I am currently just past 10 weeks with my third child, 4th pregnancy. I had a very early miscarriage in July this year. Since then I had testing done to be sure I have no clotting disorders or problems with hormone levels and am thankful to say all of it was negative.

Pregnancy after having a stillborn is emotionally VERY complicated. This time, I wasn't aware I was pregnant like with past pregnancies, and even when I missed my period, I didn't believe it. I functioned on such doubt, and expected my period was just late because of stress- I still check my underwear and the toilet everytime I use the bathroom. I truly didn't allow myself to believe it until I had my first OB appointment and had an ultrasound. I started telling God "it's ok, please give me such morning sickness that I puke my brains out" because I felt the stronger the symptoms, the more viable this pregnancy and this baby's life will be. Well, that hasn't happened, but if it does I'll be ok with it.
I also do not have a desire to tell anyone (Isaac knows of course). Honestly, if my body didn't grow so much with pregnancy, and I could hide it, I wouldn't announce this pregnancy. It feels like such a personal experience and I just want to keep it to myself.  While I'm pregnant with another baby, I'm grieving for the one I lost, everyday. I have cried every single day of this pregnancy, for this new baby, and for my Olivia. I have this feeling that something will go wrong with the baby when I tell people of my being pregnant, a little superstitious I guess. However I don't think I'm alone in this thinking.
As I have said previously, having a stillborn has made me lose all innocence around pregnancy. I don't have that joy and excitement like with Cole and Olivia. Although I am thankful for this life and deep down can only hope for a living baby in the end. I am often filled with doubt, worry, and fear. In fact, if you are reading this and have had a recent announcement of your own, I pray for you. Even though I can't bring myself to say "congratulations", I am happy for you, however  I am far too aware of how fragile the life of an unborn baby is.  In fact, I think part of my fear in telling anyone about my pregnancy is hearing the "congratulations" and whatever comments may come as many people have voiced their opinion in our future child bearing. Common courtesy lesson, don't ask anyone, let alone a couple who has had a recent pregnancy loss, "when are you going to try again?" or "You're young, you can just have more".  It's personal and quite frankly, no one's business.
You may be wondering what will be different this time as far as monitoring by my OB. I have chosen to stay with my current doctor as I know she will treat me "high risk". After meeting with a perinatologist, it became very clear to me that I would be at the bottom of their priority list as I don't have co-morbidities that make me truly high risk. I was told I will have an ultrasound at every appointment, which really made me breathe a little sigh of relief. When and if I reach 30 weeks, I will have appointments twice a week and have biophysical profiles done to monitor the breathing, movement, and reactivity of baby and amniotic fluid levels. It is this testing, I have been told by several other baby loss moms that have had babies since, is what helped them to not have another loss.
So, if you're the type who prays, please pray for this little life, and for God's will.

 

December 19, 2012

 

I have decided to post this as truly I'm trying to become more joyful and not so fearful. I realize it is becoming more physically evident that I am either eating too much during the holidays or that maybe I'm expecting.

I continue to cry everyday of this pregnancy. I think of being pregnant and I cry over missing Olivia and the thought that something could go wrong with this baby too. I still don't allow myself to fully believe that I'm pregnant despite the flutters and waves of baby movement I feel. A defense mechanism I suppose. Every little twinge of discomfort, I panic. I imagine I will become best friends (or worst nightmare) with every OB in the practice I am a patient at.

 A friend of mine, who also has had a baby loss said to me when I told her just a couple of days ago that I was pregnant again "If there was anything I wished I did differently it would be to enjoy the pregnancy instead of cry about my loss."- Thank you for that, Sarah. It is not easy to do, but it is my prayer that God would give me more joy to be able to do so. As my struggle with being so fearful has grown stronger, God's timing is perfect, last night we read "Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything. God blesses the people who patiently endure testing. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:2-4, 12

Again, I would ask that if you pray for Isaac, Cole and I that you would pray for this new little baby and for a more joyful, and not so fearful me. 





2012 Christmas letter

Dear Family and friends,            

We did not create a Christmas card this year as it just didn’t seem right; however we’d like to send you a message from us. As you know, this has been a very difficult year for our family, and we look forward to a better year ahead. We enter this holiday season with sadness over the loss of our precious baby girl, Olivia, and mourn the inability to share Christmas and family traditions with her. However we recognize that she is with Our Savior, the very reason we have and celebrate Christmas. Makes one wonder what a celebration it must be to be in His very presence on His birthday! What a lucky little angel she is!

Isaac and I have learned so much about the true meaning of “Hope” this year.  Hope is in the Promise God has given us in the birth of his Son, Jesus. Hope is the expectation that what lies ahead will be better. That day when we, as children of God are united with Jesus is truly something to desire.

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6

Through this year, Jesus has been our Wonderful Counselor, he has provided us the comfort we have needed most and guided us through a parents’ worst nightmare. He has been our Mighty God in strengthening our marriage and bond as a family and with Him. He is our Everlasting Father, who will always pick us back up and bring us out of the deepest despair. He has been and continues to be our Prince of Peace as there is no greater source of peace in the difficult times that seem too much to bear.

It is our family’s HOPE that you too will feel the presence of God in your lives’ this holiday season and the coming year. Merry Christmas!

Love,

Isaac, Ashley, Cole and Angel Olivia

John 16:22

^" So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." - John 16:22

It has been awhile since I have written in this blog. I am drawn to do it today because I have really been struggling this holiday season to be filled with the joy that only the Holy Spirit can provide.
Thanksgiving came and went. I woke up in a miserable, grumpy mood that day. Somehow I muttled through it. I am now anticipating the same for Christmas. Everyday is different, but in shopping, putting up the tree, taking Cole to see Santa, reading him the Christmas Story and listening to Christmas music there is just this empty feeling, a feeling of, you got it, missing someone, someone who should be with us too.
Holidays are about family, giving and Jesus. I am trying to focus my mind on these areas more than ever. I am grateful for my small family of Isaac and Cole, but missing a very special little girl who would be eight months old. I find myself paying more attention to the store cashiers when they say "would you like to donate to such and such?" In the past I would just quickly say "no thank you", now if it has anything to do with children I say "yes!". It is my hope that I can instill a giving spirit into Cole. I look forward to the day that our small family can go on a missions trip together to help people who really need it. I am so thankful for the passion the Lord has given my friend Lindsay since she learned of our loss of Olivia. In the spring she will be going to Haiti to serve at an orphanage. It makes me happy to know the short life of my little girl has led the Lord to work in others' who are so close and special to me.
Winter months can be a very long, dark time for a lot of people. I find that when I'm really down, doing something for somebody else can really help. So join me this Christmas season to set your sights on those who might really have needs this holiday season.

Praying for a Merry Christmas for my family and friends and of course a spirit of joy in my own heart.

Luke 9: 23-24

"Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat- I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how."-- Luke 9:23-24 (From the Message translation)

What a very difficult concept to grasp; embracing your suffering. I suppose, before I even realized it, I was trying to embrace my suffering; losing my daughter. I started this blog. I share my very personal thoughts with whoever chooses to read or happens upon this page because maybe they, like me were searching for solace in someone else's story.

 In my journey through grief, it has been strong on my heart how Jesus suffered for us, the ultimate suffering. He knows and understands my feelings and my hurt. He desires for me to rely on Him to lead me. I don't fully understand what lesson it is I will learn in losing Olivia, but some things I have learned so far is that the Bible can bring a great amount of comfort, it is like the best culmination of any greeting cards you could ever find. When I let God speak to me through his word, I feel that ball of nerves in my stomach loosen. As I've become aware, people don't always have the most appropriate words of comfort to offer, but if I look to God he provides. I've also learned to pray in a different manner. We all pray for what we want, God knows what we want, he knows those desires buried deep, that we don't often put into words. We don't need to ask him. I now pray for his will. I prayed for a healthy, happy baby, as I imagine any mother would do, yet for some reason, that wasn't in God's plan. That doesn't mean I'm happy and accepting of that all the time, and that I don't have many questions of "why". I've learned that I should be praying for him to accomplish in me what it is he wants for my life and, that if that means suffering, I should pray for his strength to help me through. Lastly, I've developed such a passion for sharing my story, whether it is to raise awareness in the lives' of people who have not experienced such a loss, or to be a help to a family who has. It is my hope that my example is a light in someone elses' grief and pleasing to God.

An excerpt from a book we're reading that I'd like to share "I don't know what the cross will look like for you. I just know it will require a death to your earthly desires and earthbound dreams to carry it. And I know it won't be easy. But I also know that as you die to yourself, God's life will take root and grow within you. And as you die to your dreams, his dreams can flourish. He will give you new desires and then fullfill them completely."

Desert Song- Hillsong

Proverbs 29:17

"Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul."- Proverbs 29:17

Today I received peace from God through my son, Cole. He said his sister's name for the very first time, out of the blue while we were out shopping. For anyone who knows Cole, he has an amazing ability with words. His vocabulary is far beyond where is the "norm" for his age. Very clear to me, I heard him say "Olivia" and was completely touched. He was in a shopping cart, we were playing little games so I could continue looking for what we were at the store to get, yet distract him also. He grabbed at my neck, caught ahold of my necklace (a locket with Olivia's picture) and said very knowingly "Olivia". It pleased me to know he knows of his sister. It is very important to me that he knows who she is.
He even repeated it tonight when I was telling Isaac about it. It is a blessing to a bereaved mother's ears.

"My heart rejoices in the Lord; in the Lord my horn is lifted high. My mouth boasts over my enemies, for I delight in your deliverance." 1 Samuel 2:1

Phillipians 4:7

"The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus"- Phillipians 4:7


This month, October is not only breast cancer awareness month, it is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. Amazing the things you become aware of when they hit close to home. I'm not sure if it is, that it has been 6 months since Olivia's lifeless entry into this fallen world, or if it is the fact that I am more aware than ever how many families in this country and across the world have suffered losses' like we have, but this has been a rough month so far.
The more often I share with strangers, my story, I enter into the reality of truly how many people have also had stillborns. I honestly can say, I never would have imagined how many people have and will face this hearbreak until I've had to face it myself. There is a statistic that I recently came across (in one of my many internet searches for finding other sources of support), that says, for each minute a life is lost to miscarriage and for every 20 minutes, a woman delivers a stillborn, just in the United States alone. That is huge and heart wrenching. I've often wondered, since losing Olivia, why something so supposedly natural can be so difficult and, according to statistics and my knew found knowledge, heartbreaking for way too many people.
Whenever I hear of yet another similar story I find myself praying that they have the peace, that only God can provide under such circumstances. I surely can not imagine facing day in and day out without it.


Here's the sweet angel we are remembering through this month, and everyday. We love you sweet girl.

Romans 15:13

"I pray that God, who gives you hope, will keep you happy and full of peace as you believe in Him. May you overflow with hope through the power of the holy spirit"- Romans 15:13

Somedays, it feels like April 7th, 2012 was just yesterday. I am realizing, 5 months in, that losing a child really doesn't get easier and at times it's worse than it was the day before. It's a constant empty feeling. I don't know exactly what precipitates more overwhelming emotions, it just happens.
We spent a weekend away, having fun watching Cole run wild at Storyland. It, just like anything else in life now, was bittersweet. There were so many families with small baby girls, and the question "why us?" rang loud in my mind. That's not a pleasant thought. I'm no longer baby crazy like I always was. I see a baby, and feel indifferent.
I hate that when we do go away, I have an ache to just stay home, as if I'm leaving my baby behind with a babysitter. I hate that I feel like I need to go to the cemetery before and after we go away. I hate that I feel like a bad mom if I only make it there once a week. I hate that flowers I plant at her grave die. I hate that I have to look for signs that's she's right there with us wherever we are. I hate that when my little Cole hears "Olivia" or "baby" he reaches for my locket and says "more" to see her picture. I hate that I know what a wonderful big brother Cole would be, because I know he already is one but doesn't realize it. I hate being able to cry my eyes out in an instant and how easily they burn when I do because it's such a frequent occurence. I hate when people ask how many kids I have and having to choose how to respond and if that person can handle hearing the truth. I hate wondering how amazing Olivia's personality would have been and if she would be just like Cole or completely different. I hate that we were given this to bear.

Isaiah 41:10

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed , for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

It has been awhile since I've written anything. My husband reminded me of this recently. I think it's just as therapeutic for him as it is for me. I'm hoping that by doing so today, I will feel a little better. I have been feeling more than dismayed some days (i'm not sure of the accurate word to describe it other than how it's stated in the above verse). I miss my daughter. I miss getting to know her like we've gotten to know Cole and watching her grow. I read a lot about heaven and people's heavenly experiences when they've had near death experiences. I find peace in those kinds of stories. Somedays it seems like Cole either sees his sister or has an awareness of her presence. A couple of weeks ago he was playing on our bed, and suddenly he stopped, saw Olivia's blanket (which I never let him touch) and said "baby" and pointed. Other days he'll be with us and all of a sudden look in a different direction like something caught his attention and say "hi" or "ang-el". He also points to her baby picture up on the wall and says baby or angel. I have to believe in his ability to be aware of what adults may not be able to see or feel. It gives me hope that someday he'll just come out and say to us that he sees her. He can be our own little medium, with a direct connection to Olivia.
Also on my mind is my inability to just be happy. When I do have moments of feeling happy, I feel bad for this. Any happy occasions are clouded with the thought that whatever the occasion is, we're missing a very special little girl.
 I have to share my experience after a difficult day last week. I was driving home from a quick trip to the grocery store, by myself. The sun was setting. I really wish I had a picture to show what my words can't do justice. I was really noticing how the sky in front of me, was bright, with clouds around it, the sun was beaming through this area of clouds down towards the ground almost as an entry way. The rest of the sky was very blah and gray. I said out loud through my tears "I want to be there." In response, I could hear "very soon child". I am not a morbid person, although it may sound that way. There is a huge part of my life missing here, and I can't wait for the day to have all the missing pieces together. If you ever walk through a cemetery you'll be made sadly aware of how many people lose children, of all ages. With how many people bury their babies, I wonder how some people don't have faith in a better life after here.

1 Timothy 1:8-9

"So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life--not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time. " -1 Timothy 1:8-9

Long way home

I have been wanting to share how the Lord has changed my heart after losing Olivia. I spend a lot of time thinking and dreaming of life in Heaven. I feel God has placed such a desire in my heart to share with everyone I can that life after here is going to be AMAZING and truly something to look forward to!
Before losing our daughter, I can say I never thought about leaving earth. I know I am a child of God and will have an eternal life after here, but I wasn't ready to be "done" here on earth. I didn't like to think about dying soon or Jesus coming again as I'm young and want more time with my family. However, now I can't wait! I am ready!
It says in 1 Thessalonians 4:13- 18
"Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words." 
As Steven Curtis Chapman sings in the song above, "we are just pilgrims passing through". All of the hurt and struggles we face here on earth, will be gone on that glorious day we meet our Lord in heaven. I don't know about any of you reading this, but I would have to agree with Steven Curtis Chapman that in this life, the "valleys are deeper and the mountains are steeper than I ever would've dreamed". "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an enternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18.
God has made it very simple for each one of us to ensure that we will spend an eternity with Him, and his children. If you have accepted his son, Jesus as your savior, the one who suffered the ultimate suffering, you will enjoy life after here on this earth. You have nothing to fear!
"But Jesus did not die on the cross simply to save your physical body. He died to save your eternal soul, the essence of who you are. His purpose in your life is not to give you a certain number of days on this earth, but to fit you--body and soul--for an eternity with him."-taken from a recent devotional we're reading.

I so look forward to a better life than here, where my family will all be together forever!

Ephesians 6:10

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power."- Ephesians 6:10

During this past week I have experienced probably the worst social situation since losing my daughter. It happened during a work meeting when someone who obviously had not heard the news saw me and said very loudly "Oh wow, Ashley look at you...HOW'S THE BABY!?" After stating that I lost THE BABY, she couldn't just apologize and stop. She went on to say "oh, well don't you have another baby at home, SHE must be getting so big, how old is SHE?"--It took all the restraint I had in me to say yes, I do have another baby at home, that HE is 16 months old. Then I left the room, before I lost it. It boggles my mind to think that someone would behave this way. Talk about digging yourself into a bigger hole! I'm sure she felt bad after, but probably not as bad as I did. I thought to myself, does she really think that my having another "baby" at home, make losing a baby at 8 months pregnant easy(ier)? I have news for anyone who thinks that, it by no means makes it easier, it stinks just as bad. We had a lot of plans and dreams (as anyone expecting a baby would) for our son and daughter. We envisioned they'd be the best of buddies, being so close in age. We couldn't wait because neither of us had siblings close in age growing up. Now, I wait until the next big disaster conversation. It brings me back to a couple months ago when I really just didn't want to be around other people for fear of what they would say.
Also this week, I received a heartfelt letter in the mail from one of my dearest friends apologizing for not saying anything or not saying enough for fear of stirring up emotions. It made me wonder if I have done/said/written anything that makes people think they should not talk about Olivia. To my friend and anyone else who has had similar thoughts, don't worry that bringing up the subject is going to make me think more about it. The truth is, it is constantly on my mind. There is not one second of my waking hours that I'm not thinking of missing my daughter.
I guess I just ask that people are sympathetic. Like in the first scenario above, it's fine that she asked about my daughter, she had last seen me when I was very pregnant. People don't assume you may not have your baby (unless you've personally experienced it). I would like to think that once you did find out the bad news, that you'd choose your words more carefully, a simple "Oh I'm sorry" is good. Yet,
don't be afraid to talk about it around me, it is a huge part of my life, it is not news to me, I'm living it. I cry less when I'm able to talk about it. I don't however, want to discuss how my son is making the situation easier. They are individuals and I love them individually. Having one and not the other is not a substitute in my mind.
Sometimes I think that by losing a child, people view it as my having some disease that's contagious. I promise, it doesn't mean it will happen to you, if you discuss it with me. And even if it did happen to any of you, I'd be your biggest supporter.

Romans 1 vs Revelation 21

" 18The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, 28 Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed, and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God- haters, insolent, arrogant, and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them." Romans 1:18 and 28-32

On this 4th of July, a holiday to remember this country's freedom (see above scripture), I am thinking of the true freedom my daughter has been blessed to experience so soon, in Heaven (see below scripture for true description of freedom).

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." He who was seated on the throne said "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." He said to me: "It is done, I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son." Revelation 21:1-7

Yes, as American's we are a "free" country compared to other parts of the world, however we are not truly free from all the wickedness in this world. We can never be truly free until the promise of God is fulfilled!

As much as I hurt, and the sadness I feel for not having my Olivia with me here, and being blessed with the ability to raise her, I can't help but be happy for her. She is in a far greater place, and enjoying the riches and blessings of our Lord that I can only dream about while still here on this earth. She is experiencing a life where every day is celebrated!

Matthew 11:28-30

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." -Matthew 11:28-20

I had recently been researching the foundation March of Dimes and came across the tab to receive information if you've recently lost a baby. I received the information in the mail, and in one of the booklets it talks about depression and the signs and symptoms of it. Being a nurse, I am fully aware of the depression screening tools, however reading this list in front of me, made me realize that I have the majority of the signs/symptoms listed. It has taken me a week to fully grasp this and accept it. Whether it is post partum depression or generalized depression from losing my daughter I'm not sure. I also am not sure if it has been suppressed for the last few months or if it just came out of the blue as post partum depression can for up to 1 year after birth of a child.
Isaac and I went to meet with a perinatologist early last week, and it turned out to be a frustrating appointment. The doctor came in, after reviewing my medical records and obstetric history and one of the first things she said is "the good news is you have a child at home so you know you can have kids." She then told us, that she didn't believe it was an abruption (based on the pathology report of the placenta) and that due to the size of Olivia, she didn't believe it had anything to do with the placenta at all. So I am part of the 60% (unexplained loss) of the 1% of women who have stillbirths. Even though I am able to accept that no medical diagnosis will make me happy, and that this was God's plan it's still frustrating to hear. We then discussed with her what future pregnancies might be like and what extra care or monitoring I may receive. Her response to this was frustrating as well. Basically I guess I would like my very own doppler attached to my stomach at all times. She told us that they follow pregnancies, not manage them. Yes this makes sense to me, but again frustrating. There will not be "a plan" like I would like. Although I'm sure she's heard it from other women, she didn't want to discuss delivering early any future babies we may be blessed with. She threw around some statistics and evidence based practice information and of course said something to the effect of "you don't want to end up with a baby in the nicu on all kinds of machines"- well no kidding we don't want that, but if it meant we had a living, breathing baby to eventually bring home, we would take it! No I didn't say that back to her, but I really wanted to.
So all that said, I'm not sure if it was this appointment which was supposed to hopefully help us in the grieving process that brought out this sudden deep despair. Or maybe it was the very vivid description we read in our devotional book the beginning of the week to mark a week of reading about "Death". The start of the chapter gave the author's very vivid description of our very similar experience with losing a child. In it she described the coldness of her baby and giving her baby over to the mortician and putting her baby into the ground and walking away. All of those images came flooding back to my mind. Since reading that, I have finished the book Heaven is Real and am now on to a book called Heaven for 90 minutes. Reading about the experience of Heaven is giving me more hope, yet making me long for the day I will be there even more. For now I am trying to ride out this depressed period, and hoping in time it will improve on its own-well with God's help, but without medication.
Please continue to pray for us!

Hebrews 12:7, 11

"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." - Hebrews 12:7, 11

This post is to my loving husband. I am watching you turn into such a strong man of God. I was thinking today, how it has been about a year since you were baptized and how since that time, when you re-committed your life to Jesus you have been under Satan's attack. It is Satan who sets out to turn good to evil and only our Heavenly Father who can mature us and bring good from bad. Since losing our daughter, Satan has set out to ruin our family and turn that already awful tragedy into something even worse. And why wouldn't he, it was a perfect opportunity- being so vulnerable and full of questions for God.
I am so thankful for God's work in your life and in our marriage.
God loves you and from that day last June when you were baptized, he knew he wasn't finished with you. He's working on making you who He intends for you to be, preparing you for the day we face Him and enter His eternal kingdom; the day we get to hold Olivia again. Keep seeking Him and let Him refine you. Our loss of Olivia is a very heavy load to bear, but somehow God is maturing us and teaching us about His love and grace.
I love you!


To those who have been praying for us, even without knowing the full details of how losing Olivia has affected us, please keep praying! We thank you and love you.

Psalm 126:5

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." -Psalm 126:5

I have been doing A LOT of thinking about how we grieve and how we respond to people who are grieving. It has been revealed to me how some people just have a natural or maybe learned ability to reach out to those who are grieving for one reason or another. I am happy to say that I have been blessed to have some of these people in my life, helping me through my current grieving, over Olivia. On the other hand, it has been brought to my attention that some people ask "Really?" when they ask how we are and get the response "they are still grieving". My response to this is just that,"REALLY?!" It amazes me how our society views the grief process- that it's a specific order of feelings and has a timeframe attached to it. I have to say if one thing has gotten me to an angry point in all of this, it is this kind of thinking. It has been nearly 3 months since we lost our daughter. Apparently to some, that is plenty of time for making it through this type of  roller coaster of emotions. However, this is not reality. I still hate that I don't get to hold my daughter and have her waking me up at all hours of the night. I hate that I won't get to see her meet all of those developmental milestones, hear her giggle and hear her cry. I cry everyday about this, several times a day. I may go a couple of hours feeling somewhat "normal", but can then be completely blindsided with grief over something minor that reminds me of not having her or even by nothing at all. I am emotionally fragile and anticipate this will last for a very long time. I don't plan on getting over this, I am hoping to make it through it. It is so evident that God has his hand in all of this, and I am so thankful for such a loving, caring God who weeps for and with me and provides me with signs of his presence on a daily basis.
I would like to challenge anyone who reads this to step out of your comfort zone and reach out to anyone you know who might be struggling or "grieving" over something and really try to come to a new understanding of grief. There is no timeframe on how long it takes to heal. When you ask someone "how are you?" ask like you really want to hear and know. There is so much suffering in this life, so why not learn how to bear one another's burdens as Jesus did for us.

Psalm 139:7-10

"I can never escape from your spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the place of the dead, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me." -Psalm 139:7-10


Yesterday, I had been having a particularly difficult day. I was going through my work day with a heavy heart. While visiting with my last patient of the day, I shared my recent loss of our daughter with his caretaker, feeling it appropriate after she had shared with me about the reason for this person's disability. She looked at me and said with a sad look in her eye "I'm really shocked you came out and said that, I guess I imagine you would not want to talk about it." She then went on to say "If you ever want to feel like you're not alone, look up Blackstone Valley Angel of Hope." She briefly told me about what it stood for. So, when I got to my car, I looked it up on my phone and discovered it was right in Uxbridge, where I was. I drove to the address. To my surprise it was the very same park entrance I had noticed over the last couple of weeks and had, had  a desire to see what was beyond the entrance but didn't take the time to stop as its entrance is chained off. Now to my understanding the chain is probably there because they don't want people to attempt driving in. So I pulled over on the curb and walked into the wooded area. It was a fair distance in before I saw this beautiful angel statue and the story that goes along with this memorial garden.

Walking around the garden, reading the stones that have been donated by parents in memory of their child,  I felt sad, yet as the woman had said "not alone". It makes me horribly sad to be part of the group of people who knows what it's like to lose a child, but at the same time, I am filled with a sense of HOPE. The word hope as a verb means "to look forward to with reasonable desire and confidence". It is very clear to me at this time in my life that I have never had as much hope for anything in life as I do now. I hope for the future I have in heaven with my daughter and other loved ones'. Also, in finding this garden area, I was reminded how much God cares for me, that during a day which I was feeling extra sad, he cared enough to lead me to this very special place. We don't have to ask, He provides just what we need at just the right time- even if we can't understand his timing.

 "His Spirit searches out everything and shows us even God's deep secrets. No one can know what anyone else is really thinking except that person alone, and no one can know God's thoughts except God's own Spririt. And God has actually given us His Spirit (not the world's spirit) so we can know the wonderful things God has freely given us. But people who aren't Christians can't understand these truths from God's Spirit."- 1Corinthian's 2:10-12, 14

Proverbs 29:22

"An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot tempered one commits many sins"- Proverbs 29:22


Just yesterday I was told that "you really need to get angry". This was said to me by someone I rarely see while I was in tears after speaking with the superintendent of the cemetery that Olivia is buried in. I have been on their case about putting Olivia's stone down since I  got word that they have it. They have had the stone for about a month now, but have told me that they only put them down two times a year, meaning the next time is in the Fall. I will admit I got agitated  and very close to being hot tempered with the person on the phone as they also told me we can not plant in front of her stone, only in front of my grandparent's. For anyone reading this, you may wonder what the big deal is, but it is a very big deal when a piece of black granite is all you have marking your child's short existence here on earth.

The statement "you need to get angry" hit me, like maybe I do need to. I've thought a lot about it since yesterday and realize the potential to get angry is there inside of me. It usually just comes out as tears.

I felt angry tonight as I read Cole the story of Jairus' daughter whom Jesus brought back to life in the book of  Matthew. Yet it came out as tears. I know both Isaac and I prayed for God to do this while I was in labor on April 7th. Being reminded of  this story, makes me angry that he didn't do it with Olivia. However then I look to the verses Lamentations 3:32 which says "Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love." and Lamentations 3:38 "Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both calamities and good things come?" I can't imagine what good can come from losing a child, but I choose to believe that the Lord is showing compassion on us.
We are the direct result of the suffering God promised after the disobedience of Adam and Eve. It makes me sad, resentful, and angry, but somehow I am able to accept God's compassion and go one day at a time through all of my emotions.


As an aside, tomorrow marks 2 months for our sweet little angel whom we miss immensely and can't wait to spend eternity with.

Lamentations 3:21-27

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young." -Lamentations 3:21-27


It has been on my mind how I have heard from many well intentioned people "You're so strong" or some form of that statement numerous times in the last month and a half. I just feel it is important to give credit where credit is due. It is because of my faith, my husband's faith, my family's faith that I am making it through each day, one day at a time. Just as many people can't fathom what it is like to lose a child or how to cope with such a loss, I can't imagine how people who don't share the hope Isaac and I have cope. I have read other women's stories and/or talked with them in person and can honestly say I just hurt for them knowing they and their family's don't have hope in Jesus. It has become so clear to me that they can't possibly find any sense of comfort in such a tragic loss. I feel sad because they don't believe or understand that they will get to be reunited with their babies one day and will no longer feel pain or suffering. The hope I have by no means lessens the sadness I feel on a daily basis, but it is helping me go one day at a time, bringing me closer to the day when I will hold my Olivia again.

I do still question God's decision to take Olivia. In talking with Isaac about our thoughts of the day recently, he brought up how he was feeling strongly on his heart that we ARE God's children and just as we question our parents here on earth, we do the same with God. As children it is hard to always believe your parents "know what's best". This is why we cling to HOPE. "For you did not receive a spirit that makes you slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father". The spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."- Romans 8:15-17. God knew us before we were born, he knows every detail about us and knows the paths our lives' will take. We will not understand many things in this lifetime- like the loss of a child, so why wouldn't we look to the one who can provide hope and comfort when no one else can, the one whom I am getting my "strength" from.

Revelation 21:4

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." - Revelation 21:4

There have been a lot of tears shed on my part this past week. Going back to work has been a struggle. Being a visiting nurse, there is a lot of time spent in my car driving throughout my work day. I find that this is allowing me a lot more time to just think about my daughter and miss everything I won't get to share with her. It seems that this week has been a "back to reality" kind of week. I think up until now I've been walking around, mostly in a fog, periodically realizing what has truly happened in our lives'.

This week, I've been struggling with really knowing the loss of Olivia is real, and I hate it. We are almost to the official due date of our daughter and the emotions seem to be getting more difficult. Several nights this week I've woken up with some pretty awful anxiety, and in talking about it I haven't been able to put into words what it is I'm anxious about. So I will try in writing it out. I wake up and start thinking "did this really happen?" I start thinking this whole entire thing can't possibly be real, that I didn't just go through 8 months of pregnancy. Then something tells me that yes, I most definitely did, and I'm hit with so many emotions, I can't slow them down and just focus on one feeling at a time. I think back to when we first found out we were expecting, and when we found out we were having a baby girl. I think about how we originally wanted to name her Chloe, but then announced the change in name. I think of just the ordinary days of being pregnant, excited to meet our baby. Then I realize all of that is over and we had to meet and say goodbye to her all at once. Then I get so frustrated and so sad and wonder "why" we had to lose her. My heart is so broken. I know this has changed who I am.

 Some night's I give in to the anxious feelings and reach for the pills I was prescribed after losing Olivia partly because I'm just too tired to be laying awake but mostly because I just want to sleep and not think. Other night's I try to focus myself on thinking about heaven and how Olivia will never have to suffer. I have so many questions and curiosities about it now. I've never thought so much about heaven in the past, even after the loss of other loved ones'. I guess that is the mom in me, wanting to know about Olivia's life and surroundings. Probably on a daily basis I say to Isaac "can we just die now please" and he lovingly asks me to rephrase what I'm saying to "can Jesus just come again please".  The promise of Revelation 21:4 is something I've never looked forward to more.

Phillipians 4:19

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus" Phillipians 4:19

I sit here now writing this after a very long week. We took a family vacation to Maine, and enjoyed time with some of Isaac's family. This vacation was emotional but also just what we needed for our relationship as a couple. A lot of personal struggles came to a head and since then (yes in just a few short days) we have been able to confront them and move in  the right direction. Adversity, in our case the loss of our daughter always brings out the worst in all of us. I will share some of what is going on, only in an effort to hopefully help any other person who reads this and finds themselves' in the same boat.

I had been struggling with understanding how my husband, Isaac could be coping so well with the loss of Olivia. I would ask him how he was feeling/doing and he would simply tell me he talks to Olivia throughout his day, just trusting that she's with him. I began to think, ok maybe this is how a dad copes, that maybe, just maybe it's not as difficult for the dad to lose a baby. I was really trying hard to suppress my feelings of resentment. It was when family asked how we were doing and he responded "Great!" that I  knew, that at the right time I needed to say something to him, that I couldn't stand hearing that. I wondered how he could be doing great, because I certainly am not.

Then we'll fast forward some, in talking with each other, Isaac revealed he was in fact, not doing great, and that he was keeping it all to himself. His desire was to protect me, an innate desire, and let me have my own time to grieve. We have since sought help for what we are facing and realize we have a lot of work to do as a couple to better communicate with one another. Communication is afterall how relationships survive. I believe, we as a couple have chosen to live out what it says in Ephesians 16:10&11 "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes."  Satan has a way of attacking when he sees people walking close with the Lord. We just need to be better prepared to attack back.

Also weighing heavily on my mind and heart- I'm heading back to work tomorrow. This time last year, I returned to work with a yearning to get home everyday to my newborn Cole. This year, I don't get to return home to my 2 children like I should be. Right now, I would give anything to be returning to work, leaving he and Olivia at home. I guess, sitting here writing this, I have a new perspective about having to be a full-time working mom. Working and raising your children is a wonderful blessing when you get to come home to your kids, all of your kids.
I am very much dreading the questions and comments from patients who knew I was pregnant. I'm fearful of the comment that brings me to tears or fills me with anger. I'm most fearful of the feeling I have that by returning to work, I'm somehow moving on or that people view it as that. I know so many people think we will or should move on, but the truth is, we will not. We will just to choose to continue living. That emptiness will always be there.

Romans 8:28

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"   Romans 8:28

Yet again today, I've learned of another woman's story. I'm overwhelmed by all of these (far too many) stories. I hurt for myself and my family, but with each story I hear, I hurt for these women and their family's. I also feel a connection to them, whether it was they themself who told me of their experience or through someone else (and please do keep the stories coming).
 I will never understand why I've been handed this struggle, but I know for sure it has changed my worldview. Now, I find that whether I'm in a store, doctor's office or sitting at a stop light I think about the people I'm around and wonder what he/she might have been through in his/her life or what he/she may be about to face. I've always known that not everyone's life is perfect, but I have a whole new understanding of this. When I see women with or without kids, I wonder if she too has an angel in heaven.
 It is far too easy to only think of oneself or one's own family in the culture we live in and move through life with this perspective. I know it is God who has changed me. I do not like the sadness I now have in my life or the emptyness I feel, but I am determined to be more aware of those around me and make my daughter proud of her mama as she looks down on me (afterall, how many moms can say they have their kids with them at ALL times)- I love you Olivia Taylor.

Isaiah 58:11

"The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." Isaiah 58:11

Yesterday we met with my OB for follow up (I'm not quite sure why they make mother's of stillborn babies sit in the waiting room with very pregnant woman).  All lab results have come back "normal" as well as the pathology report of the placenta. We have been told that clinically they do believe our loss of Olivia was from an abruption despite no physical evidence on the placenta. In some small way, this makes me feel better to have some kind of answer, even if I will never be able to accept the outcome.
 I have hit some really low days in the last week, feeling on the verge of being depressed, which I am convinced is a normal part of my grieving. Some days I just feel like being alone. I have discovered in myself that I have been trying to avoid "normal" social activities. I am not in a place that I feel like being around casual conversations and would prefer to avoid any awkward conversation or stupid comments. (I do realize people mean well, but the majority of society has no clue how to relate to this kind of loss, therefore often say stupid things in an effort to comfort.) When I say stupid things, I mean comments like "God always has a plan", "At least you're ok and nothing happened to you too", "You can have more children", "You'll get though this". Yes, I know God has a plan. I am thankful nothing happened to me, although I have had the occasional thought that it would have been ok if something did (yes my husband is aware of this thought). I'm sure we probably can have more kids and somehow we will choose to get through this, but those comments aren't comforting. It has taken me the last month to figure out what is helpful and I will share it because I have been asked numerous times what is comforting. A listening ear because quite frankly I want to talk about my daughter and show her picture. I want her to be remembered. Also of comfort is to be able to talk with other people who have gone through this- which I realize leaves out a lot of concerned people in our lives'. If I am able to take anything from dealing with this, I hope to be a comfort to woman who come after me, woman who like me have to face this kind of hell.
This Friday, the 11th was the day in my mind that we would meet our little girl. I would have been 37 weeks pregnant, medically full term and considered safe to deliver a baby. It is hard for me to understand how our Cole is so healthy, never had any complications in utero, labor and delivery or after being born, but I was so sick while pregnant with him. I remember laying in bed while I was so ill and worrying that something would be wrong with him, however the thought of him dying never crossed my mind. I just thought he would be sick in some way. This pregnancy was much smoother sailing, I did everything to try and prevent the problems I had while pregnant with Cole. Yes I had asthma trouble again, but it was controlled all along. Two weeks before getting the horrible news of Olivia's passing I had finally decided with my doctors encouragement that I needed to stop work to help prevent those complications I had while carrying Cole. My deciding factor (because I'm a very stubborn person) was that "I need to do this, I can work my whole life, but right now the health of this child is the most important and absolutely invaluable." Again, never imagining death as an outcome. I will add however, that as bizarre as it sounds it was as if my heart knew something my brain didn't want to think about during this pregnancy. Up until April 7th I didn't have that same excitement to go buy everything for my expected baby like I had while expecting Cole. I would think to myself "well don't buy that yet, what if you don't need it, just wait." Mother's intuition or God preparing me for what I was going to face?
 Aside from the sadness I feel from losing my child, I am sad that I now have such a scared outlook on pregnancy. Stillbirth is not something you hear much about and even if you do, you think of it as something that happened years ago before modern, advanced medicine. Now, it is the first thing I think of when I think of pregnancy and this just plain sucks.

2 Corinthians 12:9

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthian's 12:9


My current struggle: mothering my 14 month old. Somedays I find it so difficult to put on a happy face and entertain my toddler. I realize he doesn't understand all that has happened. However, at times I do make an attempt to talk to him about it, to talk to him about Olivia, his baby sister who he will not get to play with and make laugh.
There are moments during the day and somedays there are whole days where I just feel like I would love to escape, to be alone, just so I can grieve, probably sob for an endless amount of time. Then I am reminded by "mamamamamama" or "hewo" or a whine that I am needed to be present and appear happy and in the moment. I still have a child who needs me to care for him, to meet his every need. I am so very thankful for my little boy, but at the same time he reminds me of what I won't get to see Olivia do. Just as he is a blessing in my life, he is a constant reminder of my loss, the missing piece in my life.
At times during my worst days, he sees me well up with tears, which to him probably appears to be for no reason. He gets clingy when this happens, the confused look well displayed across his face. My first reaction is frustration because sometimes, when you're grieving you just need space, but then I'm filled with a motherly instinct to just scoop him up and adore him.
I imagine mothering multiple children can be challenging, trying to find a balance to meet all of their needs. My struggle is different, I am the mother of 2, one who is with me and the other who is constantly on my mind, but only lives in my heart. My little boy cannot understand my need to give his sister attention, through grieving or spending time reflecting on her real existence to our family.

Ecclesiastes 11:5

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things" Ecclesiastes 11:5

Today has been particularly difficult. For the first time since we lost Olivia, I truly didn't want to get out of bed. (Thank you to my wonderful husband who allowed me the time I needed to pull myself together) I think it is a combination of not knowing a medical reason "why" and not being able to understand why God would allow this.
Last night we watched the movie, The Help and in this movie there is a little girl who is mistreated by her mother. It made me so sad (even if that is not the focus of the movie, I was dwelling on it) and got me thinking about all the children who are born into families who don't want them or of babies who were "mistakes". Our little girl does not fall under either of these categories, yet we lost her.
In dealing with this loss, I have heard from so many woman (many whom have not shared their stories of losing a child and have kept it secret for many years) all of whom wanted their babies just as much as I do. Some were given medical reasons why and others' like myself have no idea why it happened. I've never been one to really believe or utter the phrase "it's not fair", but in this case I have said it several times and continue to do so today.
I've also been thinking about how I want people in our life to be able to talk about Olivia. She is still part of our family and I am afraid that as time goes on and the pain eases (so i've been told) that she will be forgotten. I don't want her name to be a taboo topic. I guess that leads me to my next thought of how is our extended family coping/grieving? I know that as the parents, Isaac and I are of highest concern to everyone, but I know each of our family members must be grieving just as we are. So, to our family and close friends, please share that with us.

I do have a lot more thoughts than what is written above. Maybe I will get around to sharing more soon, if I am able to organize my thoughts. My mind seems to be running a mile a minute lately.

Matthew 19:14

"Jesus said let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14
Still By Gerrit Hofsink
http://music.yahoo.com/gerrit-hofsink/
On April 7^th  2012 our lives’ changed forever. The night of April 6^th, 2012 I went to bed feeling a little crampy.  I mentioned this to Isaac and we both decided it had to be Braxton hicks which were very normal at this time in pregnancy. So we both went to sleep. I woke at 2:30 am to go to the bathroom and realized I had to lay there and let the pain pass before getting up. When I went to the bathroom I noticed a discharge. It was this along with frequent contractions that made me call my OB’s office. While waiting for the doctor to call back, I woke Isaac to let him know what was going on. Of course the doctor said I needed to come to the hospital to be seen. Prior to waking Isaac I remember thinking “well I’ll just go to be monitored then they’ll send me home a few hours later” this was what I was thinking in preparation to tell Isaac to stay home with Cole.  However I knew he would never agree to this, so I called my mom to come over. When she arrived at our house she said “ it’s too soon for her to come”, and I think I must have agreed because, I was, in fact getting some peaches ready for Cole to have for breakfast as he was constipated the night before.

Isaac and I went on our way to the hospital, him asking if he needed to drive more quickly. Looking back, I don’t think either one of us knew what exactly to expect. We parked and walked up to the labor and delivery floor, checked in and waited for the nurse Maureen to come and get us. After changing into a hospital gown and providing a urine sample she began using the Doppler to locate Olivia’s heartbeat, which then turned into use of the ancient ultrasound machine (same one they used for Cole the previous  March). First a resident attempted the ultrasound, but because of the odd position Olivia was in, she said she was going to have the attending, Dr. Surrette check due to the age of the ultrasound machine and her “inexperience”. Dr. Surrette came in and was also having difficulty; he was then called to a c-section. The nurse continued searching, my heartbeat was racing, and at one point she got about a 6bpm discrepancy between the Doppler and ultrasound. All of us were optimistic that she had found Olivia’s heartbeat. Isaac and I convinced her I needed to get up and have some juice to try and get her to move to a different position in my womb.  Dr. Surrette returned, attempted the ultrasound again, and then said he was going to have the perinatologist come look also. She came shortly after and nodded to Dr. Surrette, who then turned to us and told us Olivia had no heartbeat. It was with that nod, that I knew what he was about to tell us, yet I couldn’t believe it. I was filled with shock and desperation. I couldn’t understand how this could be happening and immediately the thoughts of having to deliver my little girl, lifeless, ran through my mind. Before this even came up, I asked for a c-section, which to me seemed like the quickest, most emotionless way (for me under these circumstances) to go through this. I was told that was not an option. From this moment on I felt like I was in a dream. We were brought to a room, given a few minutes alone, before the doctor came back in to give us our options of either let the labor happen naturally or to help induce it along. We decided I should be induced since labor had already begun.

 Phone calls were made to family, all the while really not believing what was going on. Blood was drawn, IV inserted, labor induced. I had decided I would not accept pain medication/intervention, that I wanted to suffer through this labor and delivery for the little girl I lost growing inside of me. Our pastor came to pray with us and later that morning my mom came to be with us through the day.

 As the day went on, and labor pain intensified I found myself getting angry that I was lying in this hospital bed and that what should be a wonderful day was not going to end in the way it should.  Breathing through the contractions was no longer working for me due to my emotions. My nurse Lynn finally convinced me to get the epidural. Having had an unsuccessful epidural with Cole, the anesthesiologist was careful to explain that it didn’t mean it would happen again. The epidural worked and I was physically comfortable. However, my thoughts and emotions were not allowing any actual “rest”. Throughout the day, Isaac and I kept talking about Cole, trying to find some comfort in picturing his smile and his crazy laugh. I  felt I needed to know how my little boy was doing at home and sought updates from family who was with him.

At some point the epidural began to wear off, and the nurse had the anesthesiologist come back to adjust the medication. Very soon after he had done this, I was ready to deliver. There was a burst  of fluid which sounded like a bottle popping.  My nurse was not in the room, I remember looking at my mom and asking “that wasn’t the baby was it?” The nurse got back to the room quickly, got the resident and Dr. Illanes to the room and told me that her head was crowning. They were unsure if I was going to be able to push as my epidural had just been adjusted and I couldn’t feel much. I was feeling a slight pressure but absolutely no pain. I know deep down, Isaac and I both had a small inkling of hope that she was going to come out crying, our own little miracle.

 It was a blessing that I was able to deliver her in silence. During the day I had been thinking I wanted this to be a peaceful delivery.  Our little angel was delivered at 8:14pm 18.5” and 4lbs 10oz, absolutely beautiful and perfect, but with no beating heart. I will never forget Dr. Illanes’ face as he looked up at me and said “she’s perfect”, his demeanor and tone of voice just portrayed how he couldn’t understand or explain such a devastating occurrence. There was absolutely nothing apparent to him that could have caused this. It was after the delivery of the placenta that I got scared. I had a large loss of fluid and remember saying “I’m not hemorrhaging am I?” I was told no, but just like with Cole, they calmly turned the Pitocin up to help quickly contract my uterus.

I was given the choice if I wanted to hold Olivia, after having been prepared through the day by my nurses that it was totally up to me. I was told that some women just want the baby taken from the room immediately. I chose to hold her, and I didn’t want to put her down. I felt like it was my obligation to hold and love her while I had the chance. It was a horrible feeling; after all, shouldn’t a parent be excited to hold their child?  Looking down at her, she looked just like a sleeping baby, so peaceful and relaxed. She was beautiful and it was in those moments that I prayed for her to wake up. Isaac took her, holding her he sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. My heart ached so badly, feeling so sad that maybe something I did caused this and now this was his only chance to hold and rock our baby Olivia. My parents both held her. The nurse cleaned and dressed her, swaddling her in blankets. We had family visit, some wanting to hold her and other’s just looking. It was such a strange family gathering, at this point I was feeling like I was in a dream again.

Later that night when family left, Isaac and I were yet again given the choice of whether or not we wanted to keep Olivia in the room with us. We of course wanted to keep her, at this point for me I was feeling obligated again to spend as much time with her as possible. I remember putting her down to use the bathroom, and when I came back to pick her up, she just felt so cold. I mentioned this to my nurse when she came back, and she just so sweetly said “let me get some warm blankets for her”. She left and returned with blankets to swaddle her with. She even offered to change her outfit as her original outfit got soiled with some discharge from her nose and ears.

The night dragged like no other. We held our daughter, and tried to sleep some. Sleep was not coming very easily for me. At midnight, Easter Sunday I thought to myself my daughter is alive in Heaven with Jesus. Then as quickly as that thought came, I was overwhelmed with wanting her to be alive here in my arms. I lay in bed, holding Olivia and watching Isaac asleep in the chair wishing I was going to wake up from this most horrible dream. Around 4am, I decided (and it was me deciding because Isaac wanted to do whatever I said I wanted) that we needed to let the nurse know that we wanted to leave by late morning. I knew I needed to say something then as I know hospital paperwork could really hold us up from discharge. I realized I couldn’t bear to stay there with Olivia the entire day. A formaldehyde type smell was starting to permeate the room and I anticipated changes in her appearance the longer we stayed. I wanted to remember her as the beautiful baby girl she was. I also had a desire to be home with my little Cole, who I knew would remind me of life and happiness. Besides, the thought of having to leave her for good was so awful and lingering that I just felt we needed to get it over with.

The nurse we had for the few hours before we left the hospital on Sunday morning was also a mother of a stillborn child, as was the nurse Maureen. She was able to get us discharged by 10 am. Prior to leaving I had a burning desire to not leave Olivia, ever. I was scared to leave her alone. So I asked what would happen to her when we left. The nurse, Anne said “I call my special friend and she comes to be with her”. In a matter of about 2 minutes a woman appeared in the room, picked up Olivia and sat in the chair holding her. I’m not sure how long she stayed to hold Olivia, but as the mom of this baby, I was comforted to know I wasn’t leaving her in a room alone.

Anne walked us out to our car, reminding us of the support and resources that are offered through the hospital. Isaac and I got into the car, feeling completely empty. We drove home, I think mostly in silence. Once in our yard we both cried. Family was at our house to greet us, Cole was napping. When Cole woke up, Isaac and I went in to get him. He immediately said “hi” in his happy voice, but then wasn’t sure he wanted us to pick him up. We scooped him up, trying hard to just love and enjoy him. I know I was feeling a missing piece.

Over the next week we did our best to keep family and friends near and surround ourselves’ with people. Decisions about a service for Olivia began, which was overwhelming to us being a young couple and totally not prepared for what we were facing. We became much closer as a couple, needing each other just to get through minute to minute. This was the only thing that felt good during this time.

God provided us with so much; family and friends who loved on us, prayed with and for us, church family and friends who cooked meals for us, financial help and the list goes on. I began my list for thank you’s and realized I was dreading writing them as I was not thankful for having to “thank” anyone for helping us through such a life experience.  

Friday, April 13, 2012 came, the day we had to bury our little angel. It was the worst day of my life aside from the day I had to deliver our lifeless angel. Sitting at the cemetery, while the song As I Lay Me Down to Sleep played, (which is a song of a child to her parents) played, I remember a gentle breeze blowing and I imagined that was Olivia letting us know she was right there, looking over us. We left the cemetery and went to our church for a reception. I felt like I was just going through the motions, because all I wanted was to be at home, not dealing with any more people asking me “how are you doing?” However, it was a nice reception, as nice as it could be under the circumstances.

We went home, and had family come too. We both felt like we needed people around to help us get through the rest of the day.

On Saturday Isaac and I bought a weeping cherry blossom tree and planted it in our yard with the help of our dads. This was to be in remembrance of Olivia. We spent a long time outside that day, trying to enjoy the nice weather. I know I was trying to find peace that Olivia was with us out there in the yard too. We had a little white butterfly that would come and go in the yard and it made me think of her. I guess all those little things will continue to make me think of her.

Since then Isaac has returned to work and the company has slowed down a lot. Cole is getting back into his usual routine although I know he senses something different. He has seen his mama and dada acting weird and crying at times. He is such a sweet boy and will stop whatever he is doing and come sit or climb on me and try to kiss me when he sees me cry.

 It is during the quiet times that I get overwhelmed with sadness and feelings of emptiness take over.  We have printed every picture we will ever have of our daughter. We have a nice memory box that was given to us from our dear friends, which we have filled with any memorabilia we have of Olivia. I also have Olivia’s blanket that she was first wrapped in, which has to fill my empty arms when I wake up in the night. It is at night that I am so aware of not having her to be comforting or feeding and I think of those precious hours I had to hold her in the hospital.

At some moments during the days over the 2 weeks following Olivia’s birth, Cole did not have the same importance to me as he always has. This feeling has worn away thankfully and now I feel as though I want to keep him in a bubble and protect him from anything and everything. I hope this will soon wear off too because I know it’s not practical or healthy for him. Now I look at him and feel sorry that he does not have his sister and feel a strong desire to give him a sibling.  Although I know we need time to grieve the loss of Olivia, the empty arms feeling leaves me desiring another baby. It is not a matter of replacing Olivia; it is just a desire of my heart to have a baby of our own in my arms.

Other times I am feeling angry that this happened, although I don’t know who I’m angry with because I truly am not angry with God. I realize this is who many people would blame along with doctor's.

 I also feel guilty at some point of everyday so far, feelings that I should have known something was wrong or if only I had been more aware  or if only I had insisted on an ultrasound at the last appointment I had when the doctor told me it seemed my belly was measuring large. Would they have picked up on anything? Or why didn’t I just call the doctor that Friday night instead of assuming what I was feeling was normal?  One of the first things I was told was not to blame myself, that these things happen so quickly and that even if I had been put on the monitor on Friday night she may have been just fine, with a strong heartbeat. Again, I hope these feelings pass because it is such a horrible feeling.

And now, here I sit, writing this so that I will never forget the pain of losing a child, a pain I never imagined Isaac and I would have to experience. I will forever wonder about my Olivia and what she is doing up in Heaven. I imagine that someday Cole will talk about her and tell us stories of her as his imaginary friend. Ultimately I just look forward to the day that we meet her in Heaven and can never be separated again.

We may never know why she was taken from us so soon, as any blood work results and the pathology report of the placenta have come back “normal”. Hearing this has been unsettling.  We had originally felt that having an answer was not going to matter. We believed that the reason for our loss was due to a placenta abruption. Now with no answer I feel so strongly that I do need an answer. Just as I will have to wait to see my daughter, I will have to wait until I see my Savior for this answer. Until then I will seek comfort and peace that Olivia Taylor Bardsley is in the arms of Jesus and receiving the best care imaginable and that I am the mother of an angel.