"I am weary, God, but I can prevail." Proverbs 30:1
Last night, I brought up the subject of moving or re-locating the clothes we had for Olivia. They still remain in the closet and drawers in Cole's room (would have been their room together). Although we really haven't bought anything for Nathaniel, my desire to clean and organize has kicked in since Spring has officially begun, and I know we will need the space in the room. I have thought about it, off and on, but instantly seem to shut the idea down. I don't intend to get rid of her things yet as we aren't emotionally ready. We talk about wanting to donate or give them to someone who needs them, but that thought gets shut out too. Seems silly huh? Well it's a very real thought and emotion and it's painful.
We talked about it for about two minutes before I was in tears and Isaac gave me his thoughts of not wanting to do it either. Neither one of us even has the ability to look at those things and the thought of moving them out of the room is heart wrenching.
So, now I am left with the mission of figuring out what to do with her clothes and how and when will the right time be. I try to think of it as, "well every person who loses a loved one has to eventually get rid of the clothes." but then I think "yes, but having to get rid of clothes for a baby you had big dreams for, who you never even got to put in clothes seems a little different and a little bit unfair and not the way things should go." Yes, these are my thoughts, all over clothes.
I do know keeping them where they are is not going to change anything, it's not going to bring our daughter back. It's as if simply moving them from the room that she would have shared with her brother is making it more permanent.
So, for now the clothes will stay where they are...
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
1 Corinthians 2:9
"That is what the Scriptures mean when they say, No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9
It has been almost 1 year since our little Olivia was born into our Savior's arms. In preparing for her birthday, the vivid memories of that day can easily haunt me. There is not one minute of any day that I do not miss her or desire to have her here with us. I am getting emotionally exhausted just thinking of April 7, 2013 and how difficult that day will be, one year later, dreams having been shattered, yet a new blessing in my womb. One who would not have existed if one hadn't died. It is a challenge to comprehend. I am so thankful for a God who loves me and knows my thoughts and worries and can carry those burdens for me (when I let Him!).
I have been thinking a lot about how much I love Olivia, it's the same kind of growing love a mother has for a child that she gets to spend every day with, physically. I don't know what she would look like or how she would act or what her first words would have been, but she is my daughter, and I love her with all my heart and with time, that love is growing. I still get hurt and frustrated by people's hurtful comments that disqualify her short, precious life. I suppose I will live the rest of my days on earth educating people who have no clue. Something I will gladly do to honor my daughter, but not something I'm excited to have to endure.
I also often get frustrated at the fact that I don't know what she is doing or if she is still a baby in heaven. I imagine her as a baby, as that was when I last saw her physically. To me, she will always be my baby. I believe I am not the only mother who thinks often about their child's life in heaven. As the above verse states, I can't possibly fathom what lies ahead in heaven, but I believe it is going to be wonderful and breathtaking. Until then, I choose to daydream of my little girl and what she is doing.
"Someday, mommy, we will hold each other tight! Then you will cradle me in your arms, and stroke my hair...and once again, our hearts will beat together."- taken from Mommy Please Don't Cry.
It has been almost 1 year since our little Olivia was born into our Savior's arms. In preparing for her birthday, the vivid memories of that day can easily haunt me. There is not one minute of any day that I do not miss her or desire to have her here with us. I am getting emotionally exhausted just thinking of April 7, 2013 and how difficult that day will be, one year later, dreams having been shattered, yet a new blessing in my womb. One who would not have existed if one hadn't died. It is a challenge to comprehend. I am so thankful for a God who loves me and knows my thoughts and worries and can carry those burdens for me (when I let Him!).
I have been thinking a lot about how much I love Olivia, it's the same kind of growing love a mother has for a child that she gets to spend every day with, physically. I don't know what she would look like or how she would act or what her first words would have been, but she is my daughter, and I love her with all my heart and with time, that love is growing. I still get hurt and frustrated by people's hurtful comments that disqualify her short, precious life. I suppose I will live the rest of my days on earth educating people who have no clue. Something I will gladly do to honor my daughter, but not something I'm excited to have to endure.
I also often get frustrated at the fact that I don't know what she is doing or if she is still a baby in heaven. I imagine her as a baby, as that was when I last saw her physically. To me, she will always be my baby. I believe I am not the only mother who thinks often about their child's life in heaven. As the above verse states, I can't possibly fathom what lies ahead in heaven, but I believe it is going to be wonderful and breathtaking. Until then, I choose to daydream of my little girl and what she is doing.
"Someday, mommy, we will hold each other tight! Then you will cradle me in your arms, and stroke my hair...and once again, our hearts will beat together."- taken from Mommy Please Don't Cry.
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