"Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs." - Psalm 100:2
Well, here I am again, after much time away from writing, I absolutely need this time. Writing has been the best medicine for me so far. I'm hoping this helps me to get back to having peaceful sleep and move past that anxiety that is hard to shake at night. So, I sit, shut in my room, on my bed, with the computer and my Bible (and plenty of tissues!).
I came across this verse, not by accident but because God wanted me to read something in particular and remind me of where my true joy comes from- Jesus. Cole's Bible reading for school this week has Psalm 100 as a chapter to read with us. I open my Bible, and there's a specific application for "how can we be joyful when we're really sad?" So incredibly fitting for where I am right now.
Tomorrow, our little man, Cole turns 4! I'm not sure how, other than that time sure flies when you stand, looking back on it. Although I'm so happy and blessed by this boy, I have been struggling. I am watching my two boys grow, all the while, there's one little girl missing. It's HARD. I am sad because I don't know what she would look like, or what her little personality would be like. It brings sadness, frustration and sometimes anger. I sit watching my kids play, interacting with one another, look at pictures of them and I see an empty spot- always. I look at Cole and Nathan and wonder how they would both simply adore their sister. I look at Cole, who has seen it all, way too soon and wish I could take it all away, make his sister "be here with him" as he said once when he and Nathan were sitting in a chair together. I would love to not have such skin burning tears to hide from my boys, moments where I literally have to go "wash dishes" or "use the bathroom" to compose myself from their little eyes that are always watching. (Those little guys are so perceptive!) I would much rather be dealing with "diva" behavior than the emptiness I always carry. It has gotten easier to bear, but it never EVER goes away. There's always an ache, every single day, but just as with the ocean, there are high tides and low tides.
When we heard "there's no heartbeat", nearly 3 years ago, all of our hopes and dreams for Olivia went away more quickly than they had come. This is something we have to live with forever, this side of heaven anyways. It's something I could honestly do without, that always wondering, that frustration that comes at not even being able to imagine, or getting mad about having to imagine.
Despite my sadness and more difficult days, I am so very blessed to be able to open my Bible and have God speak to me through his word. I am so thankful for the joy that I can cling to when I'm feeling extra down. It's that kind of joy that takes effort, but it's irreplaceable and it can't be found anywhere other than in the hope of Jesus. God never promised us that our days would be without sorrow and tears, but he sure has promised a one way path to an eternity without all the trouble that this life brings.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Proverbs 17:3
"The refining pot for silver and the furnace for gold, But the Lord tests the hearts." - Proverbs 17:3
Well, I'm going to share because it can't not be shared any longer. Even my devotion today is prompting me to share how truly the loss of Olivia affected our marriage. This is a HUGE mountain to climb. When you lose a child, lots of things suffer, including marriage. In fact, I think it's some outrageous percentage (statistics) of marriages that fail after the loss of a child. Our marriage wasn't exempt because we are believers and because we love God. Satan used such a vulnerable time to try and destroy the bond God created. Thankfully, he didn't succeed.
It wasn't until this spring that our marriage got to a better place. That was a long 2 years of learning better communication, grieving individually and together, and honestly, wanting to make it work. There were so many days (and I'm speaking for myself here) that it would've just been easier to walk away. To walk away from the constant reminder of such a loss (our daughter), to walk away from hurts that arose from the mess (loss can bring out some pretty ugly stuff in the one's we love the most), to walk away from wanting to let God refine us.
Isaac and I have not only dealt with the loss of our Olivia, but we've dealt with the near loss of our marriage. I don't need to include all the details. Those don't matter. I love my husband and he's a wonderful man. Looking back, I really didn't want to go through all this mess to get to where we are, however, God has done a lot to turn our mess into something stronger and more beautiful.
If you're finding yourself in this very same spot in your grief and in your marriage, I am so sorry. It's outright really not fair. At a time when you think you'd just really want to depend on the only other person who shares in what you're going through, you're finding that's really the last person you want to face. I'm not sure why this is, (other than the aforementioned ugly stuff grieving people can do) but I really do understand those feelings.
For me, it wasn't until after we had our rainbow baby and months of extreme sleep deprivation that I got to my breaking point. I didn't realize it when I first sought help, but I was carrying around way too much for one person alone. Then, after we individually talked with others I decided I was just going to start praying for my marriage, praying everyday (which I had never done before) that God would fix the broken pieces and turn our marriage into something better than it had ever been. Two long years later, I can happily say we are in a much better place than I could ask for.
When you feel the heat of the fire, rest assured, that is God refining you, working on making you into a fine piece of gold. He knows the gold is pure when he can look down and see His own reflection. Let Him take the mess of child loss and grief and all that baggage that comes with it, so that He can turn your marriage into something more beautiful.
My prayers for something beautiful ahead for you!
Well, I'm going to share because it can't not be shared any longer. Even my devotion today is prompting me to share how truly the loss of Olivia affected our marriage. This is a HUGE mountain to climb. When you lose a child, lots of things suffer, including marriage. In fact, I think it's some outrageous percentage (statistics) of marriages that fail after the loss of a child. Our marriage wasn't exempt because we are believers and because we love God. Satan used such a vulnerable time to try and destroy the bond God created. Thankfully, he didn't succeed.
It wasn't until this spring that our marriage got to a better place. That was a long 2 years of learning better communication, grieving individually and together, and honestly, wanting to make it work. There were so many days (and I'm speaking for myself here) that it would've just been easier to walk away. To walk away from the constant reminder of such a loss (our daughter), to walk away from hurts that arose from the mess (loss can bring out some pretty ugly stuff in the one's we love the most), to walk away from wanting to let God refine us.
Isaac and I have not only dealt with the loss of our Olivia, but we've dealt with the near loss of our marriage. I don't need to include all the details. Those don't matter. I love my husband and he's a wonderful man. Looking back, I really didn't want to go through all this mess to get to where we are, however, God has done a lot to turn our mess into something stronger and more beautiful.
If you're finding yourself in this very same spot in your grief and in your marriage, I am so sorry. It's outright really not fair. At a time when you think you'd just really want to depend on the only other person who shares in what you're going through, you're finding that's really the last person you want to face. I'm not sure why this is, (other than the aforementioned ugly stuff grieving people can do) but I really do understand those feelings.
For me, it wasn't until after we had our rainbow baby and months of extreme sleep deprivation that I got to my breaking point. I didn't realize it when I first sought help, but I was carrying around way too much for one person alone. Then, after we individually talked with others I decided I was just going to start praying for my marriage, praying everyday (which I had never done before) that God would fix the broken pieces and turn our marriage into something better than it had ever been. Two long years later, I can happily say we are in a much better place than I could ask for.
When you feel the heat of the fire, rest assured, that is God refining you, working on making you into a fine piece of gold. He knows the gold is pure when he can look down and see His own reflection. Let Him take the mess of child loss and grief and all that baggage that comes with it, so that He can turn your marriage into something more beautiful.
My prayers for something beautiful ahead for you!
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Romans 15:13
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may about in hope" - Romans 15:13
It's been too long, yet again since I wrote here. Honestly it's therapeutic for me to crawl in a quiet space and just have time to pour out my emotions. I miss my daughter. It never goes away. She is on my mind just as much as my living children, how can I not miss her? Some days are better than others, but some days I just want to be sad, miserable and angry at not having her here with me. It takes a conscious effort to not fall into that trap and to let myself be filled with joy and peace about knowing I'll get to hold her again someday.
Her 2nd heavenly birthday has come and gone. We spent the day as a family and thankfully it was a beautiful spring day. We got to be outside most of the day. There's something even more special about being outside and in nature after you lose a child. You just tend to notice more of God's beauty and the things that he created. You look for signs that your baby is around, watching down and loving her family. I've never enjoyed planting and dirt, I'm a girly kind of girl. Since losing Olivia, I enjoy planting things and helping my boys discover new things outside, in nature.
Today, it's one week until Nathaniel's 1st birthday. It is so hard to believe that. Some days I have moments where I look at him and am just filled with tears that he's here, he's ours, our 3rd little baby. It's so strange to explain and I'm not really sure I can. Because according to my own plans, he shouldn't be here. As I've learned, never tell God what you will or will not do, can or can not do. It doesn't work that way. I'm so thankful for my babies, all 3. I still have a hard time with God's plan for my life because it has meant I don't raise Olivia and don't get to hug and kiss her (and scold her like I probably would be doing if she were here and 2 years old!) like I can Cole and Nathaniel.
As some may know I've got such a deep passion to help those who walk this path behind me, to offer them support in knowing it's a long road, an exhausting, painful road but that they aren't alone. There are so many of us! It's really gut wrenching. I get emotionally exhausted by the stories other's share with me, when people draw me into their reality of this kind of pain. It's exhausting because I know and understand. I've been there and I continue to face my own reality of life this side of Heaven, missing one so special to me. Don't ever stop sharing with me. I'm not complaining. I'm sharing in your pain, and in your journey of grief. I'm here and I know God loves your precious baby so very much, and he loves you too! May you seek Him to get that hope you need to be filled up with peace, even when it's not easy and when you may not even feel like getting out of bed.
It's been too long, yet again since I wrote here. Honestly it's therapeutic for me to crawl in a quiet space and just have time to pour out my emotions. I miss my daughter. It never goes away. She is on my mind just as much as my living children, how can I not miss her? Some days are better than others, but some days I just want to be sad, miserable and angry at not having her here with me. It takes a conscious effort to not fall into that trap and to let myself be filled with joy and peace about knowing I'll get to hold her again someday.
Her 2nd heavenly birthday has come and gone. We spent the day as a family and thankfully it was a beautiful spring day. We got to be outside most of the day. There's something even more special about being outside and in nature after you lose a child. You just tend to notice more of God's beauty and the things that he created. You look for signs that your baby is around, watching down and loving her family. I've never enjoyed planting and dirt, I'm a girly kind of girl. Since losing Olivia, I enjoy planting things and helping my boys discover new things outside, in nature.
Today, it's one week until Nathaniel's 1st birthday. It is so hard to believe that. Some days I have moments where I look at him and am just filled with tears that he's here, he's ours, our 3rd little baby. It's so strange to explain and I'm not really sure I can. Because according to my own plans, he shouldn't be here. As I've learned, never tell God what you will or will not do, can or can not do. It doesn't work that way. I'm so thankful for my babies, all 3. I still have a hard time with God's plan for my life because it has meant I don't raise Olivia and don't get to hug and kiss her (and scold her like I probably would be doing if she were here and 2 years old!) like I can Cole and Nathaniel.
As some may know I've got such a deep passion to help those who walk this path behind me, to offer them support in knowing it's a long road, an exhausting, painful road but that they aren't alone. There are so many of us! It's really gut wrenching. I get emotionally exhausted by the stories other's share with me, when people draw me into their reality of this kind of pain. It's exhausting because I know and understand. I've been there and I continue to face my own reality of life this side of Heaven, missing one so special to me. Don't ever stop sharing with me. I'm not complaining. I'm sharing in your pain, and in your journey of grief. I'm here and I know God loves your precious baby so very much, and he loves you too! May you seek Him to get that hope you need to be filled up with peace, even when it's not easy and when you may not even feel like getting out of bed.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Psalm 127:3
"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward." - Psalm 127:3
This past week Cole and I shared a conversation that I am going to try and recall using his words as I don't want to ever forget his 3 year old mind. It started as we were in the car, on our way to buy a new baby gate to block off our upstairs. Nathaniel, a determined little man climbs right up them with no problem now. I was reminding Cole that we had to replace the gate because Isaac had broken the last one when "My tummy had a boo boo" (When I had my appendix out).
Cole, for some reason relates my tummy ever being sick to me having a baby inside. So he asked about that and I re-explained that it wasn't a baby making me sick, I had a boo boo and the doctor had to fix it.
Then, my sweet little boy goes on to say that he'd like mommy and daddy to "have two more babies, no just a one more, a girl one." So I listened as he went on to tell me "I saw a baby girl in mommy and daddy's bed yesterday". I asked "you did? what was she doing?" Cole says "She was laughing". I asked "what was her name?"
Cole: "I don't know"
Me: "What color was her hair?"
Cole: "brown like Nathan's"
Me: "What color were her eyes?"
Cole: "blue like all of us."
Me: "What were you doing with her?"
Cole: "tickling her, she was laughing."
That conversation was over, then two days later he brings it up again. Although I can't recall what started it this time. We were eating supper and Cole starts...
Cole: "just like I told you about the baby in mommy and daddy's bed yesterday (everything is yesterday to him) when we were in the car."
Me: "Yes, Cole, did she have a name?"
Cole: "Olivia"
Me: "Olivia?"
Cole: "Yes, she sleeps in bed with you every night, you tuck her in."
Me: "Oh, thank you, Cole. I would love that so much."
This kid just amazes me. I don't know how or why he told me this story, but I take it as God's promise that our baby girl is with us all the time. He used our 3 year old blessing to relay that to me and I'm so thankful for the gift he is to our lives'.
This past week Cole and I shared a conversation that I am going to try and recall using his words as I don't want to ever forget his 3 year old mind. It started as we were in the car, on our way to buy a new baby gate to block off our upstairs. Nathaniel, a determined little man climbs right up them with no problem now. I was reminding Cole that we had to replace the gate because Isaac had broken the last one when "My tummy had a boo boo" (When I had my appendix out).
Cole, for some reason relates my tummy ever being sick to me having a baby inside. So he asked about that and I re-explained that it wasn't a baby making me sick, I had a boo boo and the doctor had to fix it.
Then, my sweet little boy goes on to say that he'd like mommy and daddy to "have two more babies, no just a one more, a girl one." So I listened as he went on to tell me "I saw a baby girl in mommy and daddy's bed yesterday". I asked "you did? what was she doing?" Cole says "She was laughing". I asked "what was her name?"
Cole: "I don't know"
Me: "What color was her hair?"
Cole: "brown like Nathan's"
Me: "What color were her eyes?"
Cole: "blue like all of us."
Me: "What were you doing with her?"
Cole: "tickling her, she was laughing."
That conversation was over, then two days later he brings it up again. Although I can't recall what started it this time. We were eating supper and Cole starts...
Cole: "just like I told you about the baby in mommy and daddy's bed yesterday (everything is yesterday to him) when we were in the car."
Me: "Yes, Cole, did she have a name?"
Cole: "Olivia"
Me: "Olivia?"
Cole: "Yes, she sleeps in bed with you every night, you tuck her in."
Me: "Oh, thank you, Cole. I would love that so much."
This kid just amazes me. I don't know how or why he told me this story, but I take it as God's promise that our baby girl is with us all the time. He used our 3 year old blessing to relay that to me and I'm so thankful for the gift he is to our lives'.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Psalm 121
"I lift up my eyes to the hills--where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip-he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you- the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm- he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." Psalm 121
I am so very ready for this long, cold winter to be over. I have struggled so much over the last couple of months with anxiety and depression. In part, due to lack of sleep (little man who didn't learn to sleep well until just recently). But mostly because this time of year has just become a very hard time, a time of anticipation of another year passed.
We're coming up on Cole's 3rd birthday. I look at him and I get so sad because we're missing someone in our home. Someone who would be just 13 months behind him. There isn't a single day that I don't ache for that sweet girl. I struggle because so many people around me talk of making their family's "complete" with X amount of children (for some reason I can't get away from that conversation). I'll never know what that feels like on this side of the veil. That is such a hang up for me, I admit that. It hurts.
As I sit and type this now, I can hear the birds chirping outside, although it's still very cold, it's a sign that spring is coming. A time for life and growth. It's become an oxymoron for me. We lost our daughter during that time almost 2 years ago. Many people may not remember or even realize, our little Olivia took her last breath on Good Friday 2 years ago, we left her tiny, cold body with unfamiliar people in the hospital on Easter Sunday of 2012. We're follower's of Christ, that is an emotional time of year as it is. It is symbolic to us to know that she is ALIVE in Christ, and that it happened at that time of year, but it makes Easter all that more emotional for us.
That anxiety I mentioned hits me at night, when I wake either on my own or because of one of our boys. I'm all of a sudden left with flashbacks of those few days, the last day she was alive in my womb, the day we found out we lost her, my labor and delivery and our time with her, then the weeks following. There are so many dates that are engrained in my mind around the loss of her. Two years later, it is still such a horrible heartache and the guilty feelings that satan places in my mind are sometimes too much. Yes life has gotten easier with time, but there is just still so much sadness.
I'm thankful for the reminders from my support system and from God Himself that he is and will always be my help. When I'm closest to Him, I'm allowing Him to comfort me. He knows all my hurts and each tear that runs down my face. What an amazing thought. So can't wait until that day when I get to meet Him face to face and not have any of this sadness or heartache ever again. To be joyful and filled with happiness! To have all of my family with me and feel "complete".
I am so very ready for this long, cold winter to be over. I have struggled so much over the last couple of months with anxiety and depression. In part, due to lack of sleep (little man who didn't learn to sleep well until just recently). But mostly because this time of year has just become a very hard time, a time of anticipation of another year passed.
We're coming up on Cole's 3rd birthday. I look at him and I get so sad because we're missing someone in our home. Someone who would be just 13 months behind him. There isn't a single day that I don't ache for that sweet girl. I struggle because so many people around me talk of making their family's "complete" with X amount of children (for some reason I can't get away from that conversation). I'll never know what that feels like on this side of the veil. That is such a hang up for me, I admit that. It hurts.
As I sit and type this now, I can hear the birds chirping outside, although it's still very cold, it's a sign that spring is coming. A time for life and growth. It's become an oxymoron for me. We lost our daughter during that time almost 2 years ago. Many people may not remember or even realize, our little Olivia took her last breath on Good Friday 2 years ago, we left her tiny, cold body with unfamiliar people in the hospital on Easter Sunday of 2012. We're follower's of Christ, that is an emotional time of year as it is. It is symbolic to us to know that she is ALIVE in Christ, and that it happened at that time of year, but it makes Easter all that more emotional for us.
That anxiety I mentioned hits me at night, when I wake either on my own or because of one of our boys. I'm all of a sudden left with flashbacks of those few days, the last day she was alive in my womb, the day we found out we lost her, my labor and delivery and our time with her, then the weeks following. There are so many dates that are engrained in my mind around the loss of her. Two years later, it is still such a horrible heartache and the guilty feelings that satan places in my mind are sometimes too much. Yes life has gotten easier with time, but there is just still so much sadness.
I'm thankful for the reminders from my support system and from God Himself that he is and will always be my help. When I'm closest to Him, I'm allowing Him to comfort me. He knows all my hurts and each tear that runs down my face. What an amazing thought. So can't wait until that day when I get to meet Him face to face and not have any of this sadness or heartache ever again. To be joyful and filled with happiness! To have all of my family with me and feel "complete".
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Colossians 1:11-12
"being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light." Colossians 1:11-12
Again, It has been longer than I'd like since I last wrote here. The holidays have come and gone and I'm gearing up emotionally for another 1 year anniversary since our precious Olivia was born sleeping. After the roller coaster of emotions through the holidays I seem to have a little reprieve, while I think of Isaac's birthday and then Cole's, all the while thinking about the little girl we have who will be celebrating her birth in Heaven, having the best kind of party I could ever imagine, I'm sure.
This post is about the amazing grace and mercy God can and DOES show. Today we got to meet our great friends' new baby girl. We have been praying diligently for them since 2011 when they started on their journey to begin growing their family. It was not an easy journey for them, but their faith and hope in what God was doing in their lives' has brought them to where they are now, loving and caring for their sweet little girl. We could not be more happy for them!
So, what am I referring to when I say God shows grace and mercy? Well, having lost our baby girl, seeing other baby girls brings to the surface those very raw emotions of what we have gone through and continue to go through. It brings back the not so easy to deal with questions of "why?" In short, seeing baby girls cause my heart to hurt just a little bit more, not out of envy or jealousy but out of just a deep longing for my own daughter.
Today, in knowing we'd be going (and wanting) to go visit them I decided to have a little talk with my Olivia. Whether it was in my head or her presence nearby (I have to believe she's always around), something changed in my heart and mind. It was as if I was finally able to stop feeling guilty about the idea of holding a baby girl. By God's grace, I was able to go to a store, go to the baby girl clothing and buy something for a baby girl and not feel some kind of impending doom so to speak (Yes, seriously!) Later on, at the hospital, God showed me that same grace and mercy, and I was able to hold and admire their precious little miracle, and again I didn't feel guilty or sick to my stomach, I didn't even have to think twice about holding her and admiring her, a baby girl.
To our dear friends, we are sharing in the joy of your new adventure- parenthood. We are sharing in the joy of your baby girl and giving thanks to God for the little miracle that she is! She is so precious and we love her, and you! <3
Again, It has been longer than I'd like since I last wrote here. The holidays have come and gone and I'm gearing up emotionally for another 1 year anniversary since our precious Olivia was born sleeping. After the roller coaster of emotions through the holidays I seem to have a little reprieve, while I think of Isaac's birthday and then Cole's, all the while thinking about the little girl we have who will be celebrating her birth in Heaven, having the best kind of party I could ever imagine, I'm sure.
This post is about the amazing grace and mercy God can and DOES show. Today we got to meet our great friends' new baby girl. We have been praying diligently for them since 2011 when they started on their journey to begin growing their family. It was not an easy journey for them, but their faith and hope in what God was doing in their lives' has brought them to where they are now, loving and caring for their sweet little girl. We could not be more happy for them!
So, what am I referring to when I say God shows grace and mercy? Well, having lost our baby girl, seeing other baby girls brings to the surface those very raw emotions of what we have gone through and continue to go through. It brings back the not so easy to deal with questions of "why?" In short, seeing baby girls cause my heart to hurt just a little bit more, not out of envy or jealousy but out of just a deep longing for my own daughter.
Today, in knowing we'd be going (and wanting) to go visit them I decided to have a little talk with my Olivia. Whether it was in my head or her presence nearby (I have to believe she's always around), something changed in my heart and mind. It was as if I was finally able to stop feeling guilty about the idea of holding a baby girl. By God's grace, I was able to go to a store, go to the baby girl clothing and buy something for a baby girl and not feel some kind of impending doom so to speak (Yes, seriously!) Later on, at the hospital, God showed me that same grace and mercy, and I was able to hold and admire their precious little miracle, and again I didn't feel guilty or sick to my stomach, I didn't even have to think twice about holding her and admiring her, a baby girl.
To our dear friends, we are sharing in the joy of your new adventure- parenthood. We are sharing in the joy of your baby girl and giving thanks to God for the little miracle that she is! She is so precious and we love her, and you! <3
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Joshua 1:9
" Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."- Joshua 1:9
Way too much time has passed since I've last written here. It seems, each time I intend to sit down and write, someone (a small toddler or little baby boy) or something has stopped me.
I am sitting here, writing today, as it's nice and quiet in my home right now, while both boys are napping.
Entering into the holiday season has caught me off-guard. I am thankful to be able to recognize where my mood is coming from, but it doesn't make the emotions easier to deal with. Simply, I miss a little girl that should be here with us just so much. I struggle to imagine that this time of year is going to be so hard year after year. I am struggling because I look at Nathaniel and realize, it's because we don't have Olivia, that he is here. I don't know what to do with those thoughts, because, really I just want both of them, here, not one without the other and not one looking down from heaven.
I'm also feeling burdened because I feel like so many people who know our story directly or indirectly are so fearful for their own pregnancies and either avoid us like the plague or look to us for encouragement. Those who are "afraid" of us, stillbirth is not contagious. Truth is, what happened to us, does happen to way too many people, 1% of all pregnancies in fact (seems like a small percentage), but just think of how many pregnancies there are in this country alone at any given time. Please, when you think of my family, and the little baby girl we lost, stop being so fearful of the unknown and just use it as a reminder to go be checked if you have doubts or a feeling that something might not be right. Pregnancy after stillbirth absolutely proved to be less joyful for us, however instead of letting it steal your own joy from your own pregnancy, embrace the knowledge you now have from learning from our story. For anyone who has reached out to me for encouragement, please continue, that is what I'm here for. Although, please remember I don't always have good days. Ours is a story of loss and hope, but it definitely has a lot of rocky moments, days, weeks.
Way too much time has passed since I've last written here. It seems, each time I intend to sit down and write, someone (a small toddler or little baby boy) or something has stopped me.
I am sitting here, writing today, as it's nice and quiet in my home right now, while both boys are napping.
Entering into the holiday season has caught me off-guard. I am thankful to be able to recognize where my mood is coming from, but it doesn't make the emotions easier to deal with. Simply, I miss a little girl that should be here with us just so much. I struggle to imagine that this time of year is going to be so hard year after year. I am struggling because I look at Nathaniel and realize, it's because we don't have Olivia, that he is here. I don't know what to do with those thoughts, because, really I just want both of them, here, not one without the other and not one looking down from heaven.
I'm also feeling burdened because I feel like so many people who know our story directly or indirectly are so fearful for their own pregnancies and either avoid us like the plague or look to us for encouragement. Those who are "afraid" of us, stillbirth is not contagious. Truth is, what happened to us, does happen to way too many people, 1% of all pregnancies in fact (seems like a small percentage), but just think of how many pregnancies there are in this country alone at any given time. Please, when you think of my family, and the little baby girl we lost, stop being so fearful of the unknown and just use it as a reminder to go be checked if you have doubts or a feeling that something might not be right. Pregnancy after stillbirth absolutely proved to be less joyful for us, however instead of letting it steal your own joy from your own pregnancy, embrace the knowledge you now have from learning from our story. For anyone who has reached out to me for encouragement, please continue, that is what I'm here for. Although, please remember I don't always have good days. Ours is a story of loss and hope, but it definitely has a lot of rocky moments, days, weeks.
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