"Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat- I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how."-- Luke 9:23-24 (From the Message translation)
What a very difficult concept to grasp; embracing your suffering. I suppose, before I even realized it, I was trying to embrace my suffering; losing my daughter. I started this blog. I share my very personal thoughts with whoever chooses to read or happens upon this page because maybe they, like me were searching for solace in someone else's story.
In my journey through grief, it has been strong on my heart how Jesus suffered for us, the ultimate suffering. He knows and understands my feelings and my hurt. He desires for me to rely on Him to lead me. I don't fully understand what lesson it is I will learn in losing Olivia, but some things I have learned so far is that the Bible can bring a great amount of comfort, it is like the best culmination of any greeting cards you could ever find. When I let God speak to me through his word, I feel that ball of nerves in my stomach loosen. As I've become aware, people don't always have the most appropriate words of comfort to offer, but if I look to God he provides. I've also learned to pray in a different manner. We all pray for what we want, God knows what we want, he knows those desires buried deep, that we don't often put into words. We don't need to ask him. I now pray for his will. I prayed for a healthy, happy baby, as I imagine any mother would do, yet for some reason, that wasn't in God's plan. That doesn't mean I'm happy and accepting of that all the time, and that I don't have many questions of "why". I've learned that I should be praying for him to accomplish in me what it is he wants for my life and, that if that means suffering, I should pray for his strength to help me through. Lastly, I've developed such a passion for sharing my story, whether it is to raise awareness in the lives' of people who have not experienced such a loss, or to be a help to a family who has. It is my hope that my example is a light in someone elses' grief and pleasing to God.
An excerpt from a book we're reading that I'd like to share "I don't know what the cross will look like for you. I just know it will require a death to your earthly desires and earthbound dreams to carry it. And I know it won't be easy. But I also know that as you die to yourself, God's life will take root and grow within you. And as you die to your dreams, his dreams can flourish. He will give you new desires and then fullfill them completely."
Desert Song- Hillsong
