"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb." - Psalm 139:13
Our little Nathaniel Josiah was born healthy and very much alive on June 12, 2013 at 11:43 pm. It was a very long day, as I was induced. We wondered if he was going to be a June 13th baby. Both Isaac and I had an understood anxiety that day, praying and hoping for a great outcome- a living baby who we would get to bring home to care for and raise. As the day dragged on and delivery become more imminent, that feeling grew stronger, after all, we are all to well aware of problems that can arise all the way up until the end. They were monitoring him for most of the day, later in the day the nurse mentioned some deceleration in his heart beat, for which the resident saw outside the room on a monitor and came in. They gave me some oxygen to help him and it stopped. I honestly don't remember the reason for it, all I cared about was that it stopped. I am sure I was just a little anxious, ok maybe more than a little! This did provoke some questions on our part for which we learned that a baby's heartbeat never just stops suddenly, it is a slow, gradual decline. This just made me wonder about our Olivia, and that forever burning question of what went wrong?
When Nathaniel was born, I panicked because he did not cry immediately. He had a lot of fluid that needed to be suctioned out of his mouth. Once he cried I felt overwhelmed with relief, that we had made it and love for this little rainbow baby of ours. He laid on me for a few minutes but I was too worried he was gurgling fluid- I requested the nurses take him until I could sit up. After I was able to calm down, I lay there in awe at how God had blessed us after the most difficult time of our lives, losing our precious baby girl one year ago. I also was able to let go of that thought in the back of my mind that something was going to happen to me this time around. I tried hard not to think about it, or bring it up but it was there throughout this pregnancy. I didn't once have a feeling of fear for myself, it was more of a sadness for Isaac and Cole if anything did happen.
The hospital stay was shortened because of my request to be discharged early. I just wanted to take our baby and go home to our little Cole.
The emotions around having had Nathaniel have been difficult at times. When he sleeps, we check him a zillion times because the appearance of a sleeping baby scares us a lot. When I look at him, I am reminded of Olivia and that our not having her, has brought us him. When he cries, I smile or can often laugh because it is the most beautiful sound to my ears. When the four of us are together, I am saddened because there should be one more. The feeling that some have that their family will not be complete until such and such - we will forever feel. No additional future children will take that feeling away.
Having Nathaniel has restored in us the joy in childbirth. It has played a big part in helping to heal our hearts a little more. We are so very thankful for this precious blessing from God, yet continue to grieve the loss of our Olivia.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Psalm 31:14-15
"I am trusting you O Lord, saying "You are my God!" My future is in your hands." Psalm 31:14-15
Isaac and I recently finished a year long devotion we had been given after losing Olivia. The last chapter was titled Letting Go. There was a particular part of that weeks chapter that stuck with me, and after my scary OB appointment yesterday with an ultrasound tech who was saying all the wrong things it's ringing in my mind again today. We (I) have to let go and embrace the peace only God can provide. We can't let go of certain things and not others, we have to give it ALL to Him to fully feel the freedom his care provides us with.
Yesterday, at just another one of my bi-weekly appointments, with a biophysical profile (bpp) first, I was disappointed to find out it was not with the tech that is always overly reassuring. This tech was someone we had, had a problem with a few weeks ago, but not bad enough to warrant us to request to never have her again. She brought me into a new room she had moved to, the table was new and really awkward, and she didn't have the t.v. monitor set up in her room yet so I was unable to see the ultrasound like usual. She began the BPP, and immediately said "oh his head is over here today" (transverse position). She seemed to think this was funny and continued to talk about this. I started getting panicky because she seemed to be aimlessly moving around my belly. I finally asked "um is there a heartbeat?!" She then moved to that, however it was lower (still in normal range) than it usually has been. Then she continued to comment about how he was not in the right position. She wasn't moving on to the rest of the test, or at least not talking me through what she was doing. Then she started asking "has he been moving around?" "did you eat something before coming?" "I'm going to go get you a juice box". I asked her, panicked of course what she was seeing and she said "He's not moving a little bit here."...UMMMM what does that mean?! To me, my glass was half empty, I interpreted that as he was not moving. I of course couldn't control the tear flow at this point, and she was attempting to console me, saying she didn't mean to upset me. While she left the room to get the juice box and tissues I was just laying there feeling a wave of emotions; extreme panic, fear, denial, and flashbacks to hearing we'd lost Olivia. It was not at all what I had expected to face that day.
To get to the outcome, Nathaniel scored perfectly on the bpp, even though it took longer to get the results than it has up to this point. I was told it was probably due to his position. My OB calmed me down, and we discussed any options that I may be faced with if he does not return to vertex position. Thankfully my own doctor is on call all weekend and at the hospital all of next week so I will not have to deal with any doctor who does not know my history and who will not treat me with sensitivity.
I am scheduled to be induced in 1 week when I will be 39 weeks pregnant. This is the standard of care set by the hospital for someone like myself who has lost a baby in the past but has not had a complicated subsequent pregnancy. I know God is in control, and he has a plan that is just for Nathaniel and myself. I am not scared by any means to have a c-section. I just want him in my arms and out of my womb. This last week is going to feel longer than the whole 9 months has felt. It is a sad feeling but a reality of a mom who has lost a baby to feel that her baby will be more safe once born than inside of her. I will be repeating the above verse to myself all week long, as I struggle with the fear of losing this baby too.
Isaac and I recently finished a year long devotion we had been given after losing Olivia. The last chapter was titled Letting Go. There was a particular part of that weeks chapter that stuck with me, and after my scary OB appointment yesterday with an ultrasound tech who was saying all the wrong things it's ringing in my mind again today. We (I) have to let go and embrace the peace only God can provide. We can't let go of certain things and not others, we have to give it ALL to Him to fully feel the freedom his care provides us with.
Yesterday, at just another one of my bi-weekly appointments, with a biophysical profile (bpp) first, I was disappointed to find out it was not with the tech that is always overly reassuring. This tech was someone we had, had a problem with a few weeks ago, but not bad enough to warrant us to request to never have her again. She brought me into a new room she had moved to, the table was new and really awkward, and she didn't have the t.v. monitor set up in her room yet so I was unable to see the ultrasound like usual. She began the BPP, and immediately said "oh his head is over here today" (transverse position). She seemed to think this was funny and continued to talk about this. I started getting panicky because she seemed to be aimlessly moving around my belly. I finally asked "um is there a heartbeat?!" She then moved to that, however it was lower (still in normal range) than it usually has been. Then she continued to comment about how he was not in the right position. She wasn't moving on to the rest of the test, or at least not talking me through what she was doing. Then she started asking "has he been moving around?" "did you eat something before coming?" "I'm going to go get you a juice box". I asked her, panicked of course what she was seeing and she said "He's not moving a little bit here."...UMMMM what does that mean?! To me, my glass was half empty, I interpreted that as he was not moving. I of course couldn't control the tear flow at this point, and she was attempting to console me, saying she didn't mean to upset me. While she left the room to get the juice box and tissues I was just laying there feeling a wave of emotions; extreme panic, fear, denial, and flashbacks to hearing we'd lost Olivia. It was not at all what I had expected to face that day.
To get to the outcome, Nathaniel scored perfectly on the bpp, even though it took longer to get the results than it has up to this point. I was told it was probably due to his position. My OB calmed me down, and we discussed any options that I may be faced with if he does not return to vertex position. Thankfully my own doctor is on call all weekend and at the hospital all of next week so I will not have to deal with any doctor who does not know my history and who will not treat me with sensitivity.
I am scheduled to be induced in 1 week when I will be 39 weeks pregnant. This is the standard of care set by the hospital for someone like myself who has lost a baby in the past but has not had a complicated subsequent pregnancy. I know God is in control, and he has a plan that is just for Nathaniel and myself. I am not scared by any means to have a c-section. I just want him in my arms and out of my womb. This last week is going to feel longer than the whole 9 months has felt. It is a sad feeling but a reality of a mom who has lost a baby to feel that her baby will be more safe once born than inside of her. I will be repeating the above verse to myself all week long, as I struggle with the fear of losing this baby too.
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