"Those who sow with tears, will reap with songs of joy"- Psalm 126:5
I had had a good stretch of time where I was truly trusting God to protect this new life growing in me. There was a period of time where I did not cry EVERY day. Then the fear crept in again.
Over the last week or two, I have been struggling with a lot of very vivid flashbacks to the day we went to the hospital and found out we had lost Olivia. I struggle with trying so hard to think back to the day before, April 6th, which happened to be Good Friday. When I have these thoughts, I become so focused on trying to figure out if there were warning signs I ignored or didn't pick up on. I try so hard to remember the last time I may have felt her kick. I think about what I could or should have done differently to maybe have gotten a better outcome (not a dead baby). I then start to worry will I make it to and/or past that 32 week mark this time, am I paying enough attention to how much he is moving. As these thoughts creep in, I sometimes give in and dwell on how much I miss not having our daughter and getting to know her personality (she'd be almost 1 now), but other times I am reminded that God can make all things new. I just need to continue trusting. I don't know God's plan and purpose in such grief but he has a far greater ability to bring "beauty out of ashes" than any of us could ever imagine.
I came across the above verse recently, and it has been ingrained on my mind. It is my prayer that in my grief, I am sowing for the Lord, and an example of how he provides and heals in the darkest of days. I know I will someday reap the true songs of joy in Heaven, but until then, I'm praying for the joy I imagine our rainbow baby will bring. I imagine getting to that point will bring with it a lot more tears, but hopefully more trust than fear.
