"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power."- Ephesians 6:10
During this past week I have experienced probably the worst social situation since losing my daughter. It happened during a work meeting when someone who obviously had not heard the news saw me and said very loudly "Oh wow, Ashley look at you...HOW'S THE BABY!?" After stating that I lost THE BABY, she couldn't just apologize and stop. She went on to say "oh, well don't you have another baby at home, SHE must be getting so big, how old is SHE?"--It took all the restraint I had in me to say yes, I do have another baby at home, that HE is 16 months old. Then I left the room, before I lost it. It boggles my mind to think that someone would behave this way. Talk about digging yourself into a bigger hole! I'm sure she felt bad after, but probably not as bad as I did. I thought to myself, does she really think that my having another "baby" at home, make losing a baby at 8 months pregnant easy(ier)? I have news for anyone who thinks that, it by no means makes it easier, it stinks just as bad. We had a lot of plans and dreams (as anyone expecting a baby would) for our son and daughter. We envisioned they'd be the best of buddies, being so close in age. We couldn't wait because neither of us had siblings close in age growing up. Now, I wait until the next big disaster conversation. It brings me back to a couple months ago when I really just didn't want to be around other people for fear of what they would say.
Also this week, I received a heartfelt letter in the mail from one of my dearest friends apologizing for not saying anything or not saying enough for fear of stirring up emotions. It made me wonder if I have done/said/written anything that makes people think they should not talk about Olivia. To my friend and anyone else who has had similar thoughts, don't worry that bringing up the subject is going to make me think more about it. The truth is, it is constantly on my mind. There is not one second of my waking hours that I'm not thinking of missing my daughter.
I guess I just ask that people are sympathetic. Like in the first scenario above, it's fine that she asked about my daughter, she had last seen me when I was very pregnant. People don't assume you may not have your baby (unless you've personally experienced it). I would like to think that once you did find out the bad news, that you'd choose your words more carefully, a simple "Oh I'm sorry" is good. Yet,
don't be afraid to talk about it around me, it is a huge part of my life, it is not news to me, I'm living it. I cry less when I'm able to talk about it. I don't however, want to discuss how my son is making the situation easier. They are individuals and I love them individually. Having one and not the other is not a substitute in my mind.
Sometimes I think that by losing a child, people view it as my having some disease that's contagious. I promise, it doesn't mean it will happen to you, if you discuss it with me. And even if it did happen to any of you, I'd be your biggest supporter.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Romans 1 vs Revelation 21
" 18The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, 28 Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed, and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God- haters, insolent, arrogant, and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them." Romans 1:18 and 28-32
On this 4th of July, a holiday to remember this country's freedom (see above scripture), I am thinking of the true freedom my daughter has been blessed to experience so soon, in Heaven (see below scripture for true description of freedom).
"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." He who was seated on the throne said "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." He said to me: "It is done, I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son." Revelation 21:1-7
Yes, as American's we are a "free" country compared to other parts of the world, however we are not truly free from all the wickedness in this world. We can never be truly free until the promise of God is fulfilled!
As much as I hurt, and the sadness I feel for not having my Olivia with me here, and being blessed with the ability to raise her, I can't help but be happy for her. She is in a far greater place, and enjoying the riches and blessings of our Lord that I can only dream about while still here on this earth. She is experiencing a life where every day is celebrated!
On this 4th of July, a holiday to remember this country's freedom (see above scripture), I am thinking of the true freedom my daughter has been blessed to experience so soon, in Heaven (see below scripture for true description of freedom).
"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." He who was seated on the throne said "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." He said to me: "It is done, I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son." Revelation 21:1-7
Yes, as American's we are a "free" country compared to other parts of the world, however we are not truly free from all the wickedness in this world. We can never be truly free until the promise of God is fulfilled!
As much as I hurt, and the sadness I feel for not having my Olivia with me here, and being blessed with the ability to raise her, I can't help but be happy for her. She is in a far greater place, and enjoying the riches and blessings of our Lord that I can only dream about while still here on this earth. She is experiencing a life where every day is celebrated!
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." -Matthew 11:28-20
I had recently been researching the foundation March of Dimes and came across the tab to receive information if you've recently lost a baby. I received the information in the mail, and in one of the booklets it talks about depression and the signs and symptoms of it. Being a nurse, I am fully aware of the depression screening tools, however reading this list in front of me, made me realize that I have the majority of the signs/symptoms listed. It has taken me a week to fully grasp this and accept it. Whether it is post partum depression or generalized depression from losing my daughter I'm not sure. I also am not sure if it has been suppressed for the last few months or if it just came out of the blue as post partum depression can for up to 1 year after birth of a child.
Isaac and I went to meet with a perinatologist early last week, and it turned out to be a frustrating appointment. The doctor came in, after reviewing my medical records and obstetric history and one of the first things she said is "the good news is you have a child at home so you know you can have kids." She then told us, that she didn't believe it was an abruption (based on the pathology report of the placenta) and that due to the size of Olivia, she didn't believe it had anything to do with the placenta at all. So I am part of the 60% (unexplained loss) of the 1% of women who have stillbirths. Even though I am able to accept that no medical diagnosis will make me happy, and that this was God's plan it's still frustrating to hear. We then discussed with her what future pregnancies might be like and what extra care or monitoring I may receive. Her response to this was frustrating as well. Basically I guess I would like my very own doppler attached to my stomach at all times. She told us that they follow pregnancies, not manage them. Yes this makes sense to me, but again frustrating. There will not be "a plan" like I would like. Although I'm sure she's heard it from other women, she didn't want to discuss delivering early any future babies we may be blessed with. She threw around some statistics and evidence based practice information and of course said something to the effect of "you don't want to end up with a baby in the nicu on all kinds of machines"- well no kidding we don't want that, but if it meant we had a living, breathing baby to eventually bring home, we would take it! No I didn't say that back to her, but I really wanted to.
So all that said, I'm not sure if it was this appointment which was supposed to hopefully help us in the grieving process that brought out this sudden deep despair. Or maybe it was the very vivid description we read in our devotional book the beginning of the week to mark a week of reading about "Death". The start of the chapter gave the author's very vivid description of our very similar experience with losing a child. In it she described the coldness of her baby and giving her baby over to the mortician and putting her baby into the ground and walking away. All of those images came flooding back to my mind. Since reading that, I have finished the book Heaven is Real and am now on to a book called Heaven for 90 minutes. Reading about the experience of Heaven is giving me more hope, yet making me long for the day I will be there even more. For now I am trying to ride out this depressed period, and hoping in time it will improve on its own-well with God's help, but without medication.
Please continue to pray for us!
I had recently been researching the foundation March of Dimes and came across the tab to receive information if you've recently lost a baby. I received the information in the mail, and in one of the booklets it talks about depression and the signs and symptoms of it. Being a nurse, I am fully aware of the depression screening tools, however reading this list in front of me, made me realize that I have the majority of the signs/symptoms listed. It has taken me a week to fully grasp this and accept it. Whether it is post partum depression or generalized depression from losing my daughter I'm not sure. I also am not sure if it has been suppressed for the last few months or if it just came out of the blue as post partum depression can for up to 1 year after birth of a child.
Isaac and I went to meet with a perinatologist early last week, and it turned out to be a frustrating appointment. The doctor came in, after reviewing my medical records and obstetric history and one of the first things she said is "the good news is you have a child at home so you know you can have kids." She then told us, that she didn't believe it was an abruption (based on the pathology report of the placenta) and that due to the size of Olivia, she didn't believe it had anything to do with the placenta at all. So I am part of the 60% (unexplained loss) of the 1% of women who have stillbirths. Even though I am able to accept that no medical diagnosis will make me happy, and that this was God's plan it's still frustrating to hear. We then discussed with her what future pregnancies might be like and what extra care or monitoring I may receive. Her response to this was frustrating as well. Basically I guess I would like my very own doppler attached to my stomach at all times. She told us that they follow pregnancies, not manage them. Yes this makes sense to me, but again frustrating. There will not be "a plan" like I would like. Although I'm sure she's heard it from other women, she didn't want to discuss delivering early any future babies we may be blessed with. She threw around some statistics and evidence based practice information and of course said something to the effect of "you don't want to end up with a baby in the nicu on all kinds of machines"- well no kidding we don't want that, but if it meant we had a living, breathing baby to eventually bring home, we would take it! No I didn't say that back to her, but I really wanted to.
So all that said, I'm not sure if it was this appointment which was supposed to hopefully help us in the grieving process that brought out this sudden deep despair. Or maybe it was the very vivid description we read in our devotional book the beginning of the week to mark a week of reading about "Death". The start of the chapter gave the author's very vivid description of our very similar experience with losing a child. In it she described the coldness of her baby and giving her baby over to the mortician and putting her baby into the ground and walking away. All of those images came flooding back to my mind. Since reading that, I have finished the book Heaven is Real and am now on to a book called Heaven for 90 minutes. Reading about the experience of Heaven is giving me more hope, yet making me long for the day I will be there even more. For now I am trying to ride out this depressed period, and hoping in time it will improve on its own-well with God's help, but without medication.
Please continue to pray for us!
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