"The refining pot for silver and the furnace for gold, But the Lord tests the hearts." - Proverbs 17:3
Well, I'm going to share because it can't not be shared any longer. Even my devotion today is prompting me to share how truly the loss of Olivia affected our marriage. This is a HUGE mountain to climb. When you lose a child, lots of things suffer, including marriage. In fact, I think it's some outrageous percentage (statistics) of marriages that fail after the loss of a child. Our marriage wasn't exempt because we are believers and because we love God. Satan used such a vulnerable time to try and destroy the bond God created. Thankfully, he didn't succeed.
It wasn't until this spring that our marriage got to a better place. That was a long 2 years of learning better communication, grieving individually and together, and honestly, wanting to make it work. There were so many days (and I'm speaking for myself here) that it would've just been easier to walk away. To walk away from the constant reminder of such a loss (our daughter), to walk away from hurts that arose from the mess (loss can bring out some pretty ugly stuff in the one's we love the most), to walk away from wanting to let God refine us.
Isaac and I have not only dealt with the loss of our Olivia, but we've dealt with the near loss of our marriage. I don't need to include all the details. Those don't matter. I love my husband and he's a wonderful man. Looking back, I really didn't want to go through all this mess to get to where we are, however, God has done a lot to turn our mess into something stronger and more beautiful.
If you're finding yourself in this very same spot in your grief and in your marriage, I am so sorry. It's outright really not fair. At a time when you think you'd just really want to depend on the only other person who shares in what you're going through, you're finding that's really the last person you want to face. I'm not sure why this is, (other than the aforementioned ugly stuff grieving people can do) but I really do understand those feelings.
For me, it wasn't until after we had our rainbow baby and months of extreme sleep deprivation that I got to my breaking point. I didn't realize it when I first sought help, but I was carrying around way too much for one person alone. Then, after we individually talked with others I decided I was just going to start praying for my marriage, praying everyday (which I had never done before) that God would fix the broken pieces and turn our marriage into something better than it had ever been. Two long years later, I can happily say we are in a much better place than I could ask for.
When you feel the heat of the fire, rest assured, that is God refining you, working on making you into a fine piece of gold. He knows the gold is pure when he can look down and see His own reflection. Let Him take the mess of child loss and grief and all that baggage that comes with it, so that He can turn your marriage into something more beautiful.
My prayers for something beautiful ahead for you!
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Romans 15:13
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may about in hope" - Romans 15:13
It's been too long, yet again since I wrote here. Honestly it's therapeutic for me to crawl in a quiet space and just have time to pour out my emotions. I miss my daughter. It never goes away. She is on my mind just as much as my living children, how can I not miss her? Some days are better than others, but some days I just want to be sad, miserable and angry at not having her here with me. It takes a conscious effort to not fall into that trap and to let myself be filled with joy and peace about knowing I'll get to hold her again someday.
Her 2nd heavenly birthday has come and gone. We spent the day as a family and thankfully it was a beautiful spring day. We got to be outside most of the day. There's something even more special about being outside and in nature after you lose a child. You just tend to notice more of God's beauty and the things that he created. You look for signs that your baby is around, watching down and loving her family. I've never enjoyed planting and dirt, I'm a girly kind of girl. Since losing Olivia, I enjoy planting things and helping my boys discover new things outside, in nature.
Today, it's one week until Nathaniel's 1st birthday. It is so hard to believe that. Some days I have moments where I look at him and am just filled with tears that he's here, he's ours, our 3rd little baby. It's so strange to explain and I'm not really sure I can. Because according to my own plans, he shouldn't be here. As I've learned, never tell God what you will or will not do, can or can not do. It doesn't work that way. I'm so thankful for my babies, all 3. I still have a hard time with God's plan for my life because it has meant I don't raise Olivia and don't get to hug and kiss her (and scold her like I probably would be doing if she were here and 2 years old!) like I can Cole and Nathaniel.
As some may know I've got such a deep passion to help those who walk this path behind me, to offer them support in knowing it's a long road, an exhausting, painful road but that they aren't alone. There are so many of us! It's really gut wrenching. I get emotionally exhausted by the stories other's share with me, when people draw me into their reality of this kind of pain. It's exhausting because I know and understand. I've been there and I continue to face my own reality of life this side of Heaven, missing one so special to me. Don't ever stop sharing with me. I'm not complaining. I'm sharing in your pain, and in your journey of grief. I'm here and I know God loves your precious baby so very much, and he loves you too! May you seek Him to get that hope you need to be filled up with peace, even when it's not easy and when you may not even feel like getting out of bed.
It's been too long, yet again since I wrote here. Honestly it's therapeutic for me to crawl in a quiet space and just have time to pour out my emotions. I miss my daughter. It never goes away. She is on my mind just as much as my living children, how can I not miss her? Some days are better than others, but some days I just want to be sad, miserable and angry at not having her here with me. It takes a conscious effort to not fall into that trap and to let myself be filled with joy and peace about knowing I'll get to hold her again someday.
Her 2nd heavenly birthday has come and gone. We spent the day as a family and thankfully it was a beautiful spring day. We got to be outside most of the day. There's something even more special about being outside and in nature after you lose a child. You just tend to notice more of God's beauty and the things that he created. You look for signs that your baby is around, watching down and loving her family. I've never enjoyed planting and dirt, I'm a girly kind of girl. Since losing Olivia, I enjoy planting things and helping my boys discover new things outside, in nature.
Today, it's one week until Nathaniel's 1st birthday. It is so hard to believe that. Some days I have moments where I look at him and am just filled with tears that he's here, he's ours, our 3rd little baby. It's so strange to explain and I'm not really sure I can. Because according to my own plans, he shouldn't be here. As I've learned, never tell God what you will or will not do, can or can not do. It doesn't work that way. I'm so thankful for my babies, all 3. I still have a hard time with God's plan for my life because it has meant I don't raise Olivia and don't get to hug and kiss her (and scold her like I probably would be doing if she were here and 2 years old!) like I can Cole and Nathaniel.
As some may know I've got such a deep passion to help those who walk this path behind me, to offer them support in knowing it's a long road, an exhausting, painful road but that they aren't alone. There are so many of us! It's really gut wrenching. I get emotionally exhausted by the stories other's share with me, when people draw me into their reality of this kind of pain. It's exhausting because I know and understand. I've been there and I continue to face my own reality of life this side of Heaven, missing one so special to me. Don't ever stop sharing with me. I'm not complaining. I'm sharing in your pain, and in your journey of grief. I'm here and I know God loves your precious baby so very much, and he loves you too! May you seek Him to get that hope you need to be filled up with peace, even when it's not easy and when you may not even feel like getting out of bed.
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