1 Peter 4:1

"Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin." 1 Peter 4:1

I am experiencing and going through this week (the week leading up to Olivia's birthday) yet not enjoying one moment of it. I had spent the better half of this past year trying to prepare myself for this time of year, wondering how I would feel and respond and what we would do that's special to remember her. Let's just say, I am incredibly irritable!...mixed with sadness and maybe a few angry feelings along with guilt mixed in. I am confused emotionally as I'm carrying Nathaniel and feeling him move in my womb, thinking back to this time last year and then just really wanting to have Olivia to hug and squeeze right now.
I am scared about April 6th, the last day Olivia's heart beat, scared about April 7th, her birthday and April 8th, the day we said goodbye to her and, well the days after that too. I remember feeling empty physically and emotionally and I'm wondering how I will feel this year with a baby kicking and squirming inside me. Then those thoughts of losing Nathaniel cross my mind too, wondering if it will happen again.
I am brought to the above verse and trying so very hard to keep in mind what God has taught me in the last year, that Jesus suffered, and knows just what I'm going through. Suffering builds endurance and strength to be able to handle...more suffering! Or (what I'm really trying to remember) it builds character and offers the ability to see things in a different light. It changes our perspective on things. Not too much bothers me anymore, other than just dealing with grieving and missing Olivia. I sure don't "sweat the small stuff" in life.