Proverbs 17:3

"The refining pot for silver and the furnace for gold, But the Lord tests the hearts." - Proverbs 17:3


Well, I'm going to share because it can't not be shared any longer. Even my devotion today is prompting me to share how truly the loss of Olivia affected our marriage. This is a HUGE mountain to climb. When you lose a child, lots of things suffer, including marriage. In fact, I think it's some outrageous percentage (statistics) of marriages that fail after the loss of a child. Our marriage wasn't exempt because we are believers and because we love God. Satan used such a vulnerable time to try and destroy the bond God created. Thankfully, he didn't succeed.
It wasn't until this spring that our marriage got to a better place. That was a long 2 years of learning better communication, grieving individually and together, and honestly, wanting to make it work. There were so many days (and I'm speaking for myself here) that it would've just been easier to walk away. To walk away from the constant reminder of such a loss (our daughter), to walk away from hurts that arose from the mess (loss can bring out some pretty ugly stuff in the one's we love the most), to walk away from wanting to let God refine us.
Isaac and I have not only dealt with the loss of our Olivia, but we've dealt with the near loss of our marriage. I don't need to include all the details. Those don't matter. I love my husband and he's a wonderful man. Looking back, I really didn't want to go through all this mess to get to where we are, however, God has done a lot to turn our mess into something stronger and more beautiful.
If you're finding yourself in this very same spot in your grief and in your marriage, I am so sorry. It's outright really not fair. At a time when you think you'd just really want to depend on the only other person who shares in what you're going through, you're finding that's really the last person you want to face. I'm not sure why this is, (other than the aforementioned ugly stuff grieving people can do) but I really do understand those feelings.
For me, it wasn't until after we had our rainbow baby and months of extreme sleep deprivation that I got to my breaking point. I didn't realize it when I first sought help, but I was carrying around way too much for one person alone. Then, after we individually talked with others I decided I was just going to start praying for my marriage, praying everyday (which I had never done before) that God would fix the broken pieces and turn our marriage into something better than it had ever been. Two long years later, I can happily say we are in a much better place than I could ask for.
When you feel the heat of the fire, rest assured, that is God refining you, working on making you into a fine piece of gold. He knows the gold is pure when he can look down and see His own reflection. Let Him take the mess of child loss and grief and all that baggage that comes with it, so that He can turn your marriage into something more beautiful.
My prayers for something beautiful ahead for you!