Romans 15:13

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may about in hope" - Romans 15:13

It's been too long, yet again since I wrote here. Honestly it's therapeutic for me to crawl in a quiet space and just have time to pour out my emotions. I miss my daughter. It never goes away. She is on my mind just as much as my living children, how can I not miss her? Some days are better than others, but some days I just want to be sad, miserable and angry at not having her here with me. It takes a conscious effort to not fall into that trap and to let myself be filled with joy and peace about knowing I'll get to hold her again someday.

Her 2nd heavenly birthday has come and gone. We spent the day as a family and thankfully it was a beautiful spring day. We got to be outside most of the day. There's something even more special about being outside and in nature after you lose a child. You just tend to notice more of God's beauty and the things that he created. You look for signs that your baby is around, watching down and loving her family. I've never enjoyed planting and dirt, I'm a girly kind of girl. Since losing Olivia, I enjoy planting things and helping my boys discover new things outside, in nature.

Today, it's one week until Nathaniel's 1st birthday. It is so hard to believe that. Some days I have moments where I look at him and am just filled with tears that he's here, he's ours, our 3rd little baby. It's so strange to explain and I'm not really sure I can. Because according to my own plans, he shouldn't be here. As I've learned, never tell God what you will or will not do, can or can not do. It doesn't work that way. I'm so thankful for my babies, all 3. I still have a hard time with God's plan for my life because it has meant I don't raise Olivia and don't get to hug and kiss her (and scold her like I probably would be doing if she were here and 2 years old!) like I can Cole and Nathaniel.

As some may know I've got such a deep passion to help those who walk this path behind me, to offer them support in knowing it's a long road, an exhausting, painful road but that they aren't alone. There are so many of us! It's really gut wrenching. I get emotionally exhausted by the stories other's share with me, when people draw me into their reality of this kind of pain. It's exhausting because I know and understand. I've been there and I continue to face my own reality of life this side of Heaven, missing one so special to me. Don't ever stop sharing with me. I'm not complaining. I'm sharing in your pain, and in your journey of grief. I'm here and I know God loves your precious baby so very much, and he loves you too! May you seek Him to get that hope you need to be filled up with peace, even when it's not easy and when you may not even feel like getting out of bed.