"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things" Ecclesiastes 11:5
Today has been particularly difficult. For the first time since we lost Olivia, I truly didn't want to get out of bed. (Thank you to my wonderful husband who allowed me the time I needed to pull myself together) I think it is a combination of not knowing a medical reason "why" and not being able to understand why God would allow this.
Last night we watched the movie, The Help and in this movie there is a little girl who is mistreated by her mother. It made me so sad (even if that is not the focus of the movie, I was dwelling on it) and got me thinking about all the children who are born into families who don't want them or of babies who were "mistakes". Our little girl does not fall under either of these categories, yet we lost her.
In dealing with this loss, I have heard from so many woman (many whom have not shared their stories of losing a child and have kept it secret for many years) all of whom wanted their babies just as much as I do. Some were given medical reasons why and others' like myself have no idea why it happened. I've never been one to really believe or utter the phrase "it's not fair", but in this case I have said it several times and continue to do so today.
I've also been thinking about how I want people in our life to be able to talk about Olivia. She is still part of our family and I am afraid that as time goes on and the pain eases (so i've been told) that she will be forgotten. I don't want her name to be a taboo topic. I guess that leads me to my next thought of how is our extended family coping/grieving? I know that as the parents, Isaac and I are of highest concern to everyone, but I know each of our family members must be grieving just as we are. So, to our family and close friends, please share that with us.
I do have a lot more thoughts than what is written above. Maybe I will get around to sharing more soon, if I am able to organize my thoughts. My mind seems to be running a mile a minute lately.
Thank you so much for sharing this Ashley. I can not get you out of my mind and pray for you constantly. There are so many emotions going through my own head, but I really like having some insight into yours. You are one of my oldest and dearest friends and I will always cherish everything I have learned from you both past and present. I will never forget anything we have been through either together or individually. I am always here and will always remember this time of year for Olivia.
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