2 Corinthians 12:9

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthian's 12:9


My current struggle: mothering my 14 month old. Somedays I find it so difficult to put on a happy face and entertain my toddler. I realize he doesn't understand all that has happened. However, at times I do make an attempt to talk to him about it, to talk to him about Olivia, his baby sister who he will not get to play with and make laugh.
There are moments during the day and somedays there are whole days where I just feel like I would love to escape, to be alone, just so I can grieve, probably sob for an endless amount of time. Then I am reminded by "mamamamamama" or "hewo" or a whine that I am needed to be present and appear happy and in the moment. I still have a child who needs me to care for him, to meet his every need. I am so very thankful for my little boy, but at the same time he reminds me of what I won't get to see Olivia do. Just as he is a blessing in my life, he is a constant reminder of my loss, the missing piece in my life.
At times during my worst days, he sees me well up with tears, which to him probably appears to be for no reason. He gets clingy when this happens, the confused look well displayed across his face. My first reaction is frustration because sometimes, when you're grieving you just need space, but then I'm filled with a motherly instinct to just scoop him up and adore him.
I imagine mothering multiple children can be challenging, trying to find a balance to meet all of their needs. My struggle is different, I am the mother of 2, one who is with me and the other who is constantly on my mind, but only lives in my heart. My little boy cannot understand my need to give his sister attention, through grieving or spending time reflecting on her real existence to our family.