Psalm 139:13

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb." - Psalm 139:13

Our little Nathaniel Josiah was born healthy and very much alive on June 12, 2013 at 11:43 pm. It was a very long day, as I was induced. We wondered if he was going to be a June 13th baby. Both Isaac and I had an understood anxiety that day, praying and hoping for a great outcome- a living baby who we would get to bring home to care for and raise. As the day dragged on and delivery become more imminent, that feeling grew stronger, after all, we are all to well aware of problems that can arise all the way up until the end. They were monitoring him for most of the day, later in the day the nurse mentioned some deceleration in his heart beat, for which the resident saw outside the room on a monitor and came in. They gave me some oxygen to help him and it stopped. I honestly don't remember the reason for it, all I cared about was that it stopped.  I am sure I was just a little anxious, ok maybe more than a little! This did provoke some questions on our part for which we learned that a baby's heartbeat never just stops suddenly, it is a slow, gradual decline. This just made me wonder about our Olivia, and that forever burning question of what went wrong?
When Nathaniel was born, I panicked because he did not cry immediately. He had a lot of fluid that needed to be suctioned out of his mouth. Once he cried I felt overwhelmed with relief, that we had made it and love for this little rainbow baby of ours. He laid on me for a few minutes but I was too worried he was gurgling fluid- I requested the nurses take him until I could sit up. After I was able to calm down, I lay there in awe at how God had blessed us after the most difficult time of our lives, losing our precious baby girl one year ago. I also was able to let go of that thought in the back of my mind that something was going to happen to me this time around. I tried hard not to think about it, or bring it up but it was there throughout this pregnancy. I didn't once have a feeling of fear for myself, it was more of a sadness for Isaac and Cole if anything did happen.
The hospital stay was shortened because of my request to be discharged early. I just wanted to take our baby and go home to our little Cole. 
The emotions around having had Nathaniel have been difficult at times. When he sleeps, we check him a zillion times because the appearance of a sleeping baby scares us a lot. When I look at him, I am reminded of Olivia and that our not having her, has brought us him. When he cries, I smile or can often laugh because it is the most beautiful sound to my ears. When the four of us are together, I am saddened because there should be one more. The feeling that some have that their family will not be complete until such and such - we will forever feel. No additional future children will take that feeling away.
Having Nathaniel has restored in us the joy in childbirth. It has played a big part in helping to heal our hearts a little more. We are so very thankful for this precious blessing from God, yet continue to grieve the loss of our Olivia.