Psalm 31:14-15

"I am trusting you O Lord, saying "You are my God!" My future is in your hands." Psalm 31:14-15

Isaac and I recently finished a year long devotion we had been given after losing Olivia. The last chapter was titled Letting Go. There was a particular part of that weeks chapter that stuck with me, and after my scary OB appointment yesterday with an ultrasound tech who was saying all the wrong things it's ringing in my mind again today. We (I) have to let go and embrace the peace only God can provide. We can't let go of certain things and not others, we have to give it ALL to Him to fully feel the freedom his care provides us with.
Yesterday, at just another one of my bi-weekly appointments, with a biophysical profile (bpp) first, I was disappointed to find out it was not with the tech that is always overly reassuring. This tech was someone we had, had a problem with a few weeks ago, but not bad enough to warrant us to request to never have her again. She brought me into a new room she had moved to, the table was new and really awkward, and she didn't have the t.v. monitor set up in her room yet so I was unable to see the ultrasound like usual. She began the BPP, and immediately said "oh his head is over here today" (transverse position). She seemed to think this was funny and continued to talk about this. I started getting panicky because she seemed to be aimlessly moving around my belly. I finally asked "um is there a heartbeat?!" She then moved to that, however it was lower (still in normal range) than it usually has been. Then she continued to comment about how he was not in the right position. She wasn't moving on to the rest of the test, or at least not talking me through what she was doing. Then she started asking "has he been moving around?" "did you eat something before coming?" "I'm going to go get you a juice box". I asked her, panicked of course what she was seeing and she said "He's not moving a little bit here."...UMMMM what does that mean?! To me, my glass was half empty, I interpreted that as he was not moving. I of course couldn't control the tear flow at this point, and she was attempting to console me, saying she didn't mean to upset me. While she left the room to get the juice box and tissues I was just laying there feeling a wave of emotions; extreme panic, fear, denial, and flashbacks to hearing we'd lost Olivia. It was not at all what I had expected to face that day.
To get to the outcome, Nathaniel scored perfectly on the bpp, even though it took longer to get the results than it has up to this point. I was told it was probably due to his position. My OB calmed me down, and we discussed any options that I may be faced with if he does not return to vertex position. Thankfully my own doctor is on call all weekend and at the hospital all of next week so I will not have to deal with any doctor who does not know my history and who will not treat me with sensitivity.
I am scheduled to be induced in 1 week when I will be 39 weeks pregnant. This is the standard of care set by the hospital for someone like myself who has lost a baby in the past but has not had a complicated subsequent pregnancy.  I know God is in control, and he has a plan that is just for Nathaniel and myself. I am not scared by any means to have a c-section. I just want him in my arms and out of my womb. This last week is going to feel longer than the whole 9 months has felt. It is a sad feeling but a reality of a mom who has lost a baby to feel that her baby will be more safe once born than inside of her. I will be repeating the above verse to myself all week long, as I struggle with the fear of losing this baby too.