Psalm 121

"I lift up my eyes to the hills--where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip-he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you- the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm- he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." Psalm 121


I am so very ready for this long, cold winter to be over. I have struggled so much over the last couple of months with anxiety and depression. In part, due to lack of sleep (little man who didn't learn to sleep well until just recently). But mostly because this time of year has just become a very hard time, a time of anticipation of another year passed.
 We're coming up on Cole's 3rd birthday. I look at him and I get so sad because we're missing someone in our home. Someone who would be just 13 months behind him. There isn't a single day that I don't ache for that sweet girl. I struggle because so many people around me talk of making their family's "complete" with X amount of children (for some reason I can't get away from that conversation). I'll never know what that feels like on this side of the veil. That is such a hang up for me, I admit that. It hurts.
As I sit and type this now, I can hear the birds chirping outside, although it's still very cold, it's a sign that spring is coming. A time for life and growth. It's become an oxymoron for me. We lost our daughter during that time almost 2 years ago. Many people may not remember or even realize, our little Olivia took her last breath on Good Friday 2 years ago, we left her tiny, cold body with unfamiliar people in the hospital on Easter Sunday of 2012. We're follower's of Christ, that is an emotional time of year as it is. It is symbolic to us to know that she is ALIVE in Christ, and that it happened at that time of year, but it makes Easter all that more emotional for us.
 That anxiety I mentioned hits me at night, when I wake either on my own or because of one of our boys. I'm all of a sudden left with flashbacks of those few days, the last day she was alive in my womb, the day we found out we lost her, my labor and delivery and our time with her, then the weeks following. There are so many dates that are engrained in my mind around the loss of her. Two years later, it is still such a horrible heartache and the guilty feelings that satan places in my mind are sometimes too much. Yes life has gotten easier with time, but there is just still so much sadness.
I'm thankful for the reminders from my support system and from God Himself that he is and will always be my help. When I'm closest to Him, I'm allowing Him to comfort me. He knows all my hurts and each tear that runs down my face. What an amazing thought. So can't wait until that day when I get to meet Him face to face and not have any of this sadness or heartache ever again. To be joyful and filled with happiness! To have all of my family with me and feel "complete".

Colossians 1:11-12

^"being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light." Colossians 1:11-12


Again, It has been longer than I'd like since I last wrote here. The holidays have come and gone and I'm gearing up emotionally for another 1 year anniversary since our precious Olivia was born sleeping. After the roller coaster of emotions through the holidays I seem to have a little reprieve, while I think of Isaac's birthday and then Cole's, all the while thinking about the little girl we have who will be celebrating her birth in Heaven, having the best kind of party I could ever imagine, I'm sure.


This post is about the amazing grace and mercy God can and DOES show. Today we got to meet our great friends' new baby girl. We have been praying diligently for them since 2011 when they started on their journey to begin growing their family. It was not an easy journey for them, but their faith and hope in what God was doing in their lives' has brought them to where they are now, loving and caring for their sweet little girl. We could not be more happy for them!
So, what am I referring to when I say God shows grace and mercy? Well, having lost our baby girl, seeing other baby girls brings to the surface those very raw emotions of what we have gone through and continue to go through. It brings back the not so easy to deal with questions of "why?"  In short, seeing baby girls cause my heart to hurt just a little bit more, not out of envy or jealousy but out of just a deep longing for my own daughter.
Today, in knowing we'd be going (and wanting) to go visit them I decided to have a little talk with my Olivia. Whether it was in my head or her presence nearby (I have to believe she's always around), something changed in my heart and mind. It was as if I was finally able to stop feeling guilty about the idea of holding a baby girl. By God's grace, I was able to go to a store, go to the baby girl clothing and buy something for a baby girl and not feel some kind of impending doom so to speak (Yes, seriously!) Later on, at the hospital, God showed me that same grace and mercy, and I was able to hold and admire their precious little miracle, and again I didn't feel guilty or sick to my stomach, I didn't even have to think twice about holding her and admiring her, a baby girl.
To our dear friends, we are sharing in the joy of your new adventure- parenthood. We are sharing in the joy of your baby girl and giving thanks to God for the little miracle that she is! She is so precious and we love her, and you! <3

Joshua 1:9

" Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."- Joshua 1:9

Way too much time has passed since I've last written here. It seems, each time I intend to sit down and write, someone (a small toddler or little baby boy) or something has stopped me.
I am sitting here, writing today, as it's nice and quiet in my home right now, while both boys are napping.
Entering into the holiday season has caught me off-guard. I am thankful to be able to recognize where my mood is coming from, but it doesn't make the emotions easier to deal with. Simply, I miss a little girl that should be here with us just so much. I struggle to imagine that this time of year is going to be so hard year after year. I am struggling because I look at Nathaniel and realize, it's because we don't have Olivia, that he is here. I don't know what to do with those thoughts, because, really I just want both of them, here, not one without the other and not one looking down from heaven.

I'm also feeling burdened because I feel like so many people who know our story directly or indirectly are so fearful for their own pregnancies and either avoid us like the plague or look to us for encouragement. Those who are "afraid" of us, stillbirth is not contagious. Truth is, what happened to us, does happen to way too many people, 1% of all pregnancies in fact (seems like a small percentage), but just think of how many pregnancies there are in this country alone at any given time. Please, when you think of my family, and the little baby girl we lost, stop being so fearful of the unknown and just use it as a reminder to go be checked if you have doubts or a feeling that something might not be right. Pregnancy after stillbirth absolutely proved to be less joyful for us, however instead of letting it steal your own joy from your own pregnancy, embrace the knowledge you now have from learning from our story. For anyone who has reached out to me for encouragement, please continue, that is what I'm here for. Although, please remember I don't always have good days. Ours is a story of loss and hope, but it definitely has a lot of rocky moments, days, weeks.

Philipians 1:3

"I thank my God every time I remember you." Philipians 1:3

I'm having one of those "feeling sorry for myself" times today. I am so overjoyed listening to my little Nathaniel's sweet baby talk and could honestly listen to it 24/7. He happens to be a chatter box just like Cole. However, today as I sit with him on my legs looking at me, talking to me, I was overwhelmed with just missing Olivia and being reminded of all we missed and will continue to miss with her. We never got to hear her sweet voice and as a parent that cuts to the core. We will constantly be missing her and it is hard to be prepared for what will cause those moments of grief to be stronger than others'. It seems to come out of no where. Whenever I think of her, truly just sit and think of her (because I have to say I think of her all day long as I do of my boys), it manages to bring tears to my eyes, an ache in my heart but a smile in my mind because I know she is in the best place imaginable and I will get to be with her again someday, for all of eternity and that makes me thank God for her; ever short life, despite my missing and longing for her now.

Ecclesiastes 3:1,4

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance"- Ecclesiastes 3:1,4

One month in of having a newborn, our rainbow baby, Nathaniel I am missing our baby Olivia a lot. As he grows and does new baby things, I am reminded of everything we missed with her, and will continue to miss out on. I have guilty feelings as a mom as I have not visited the cemetery often at all this spring/summer and I hate those feelings. I don't want to have to leave my home to feel like I am loving and aware of all of my babies. Yet at the same time, I would love to be able to spend more time at the cemetery, alone or with my boys so that Cole will continue to speak about Olivia and Nathaniel will come to learn of her. I feel guilty that I haven't taken the time to put flowers at her grave, and frustrated by the fact that I am just busy with home life.
I came across this verse and I am trying to take comfort in the fact that she would want us to enjoy her baby brother and to remember that we will have an eternity with her someday.
I guess I would also like it to be made known that Olivia's baby brother does not take away the constant feelings of missing her. I have a great sense of relief to be holding Nathaniel in my arms yet it is also a reminder of the baby I miss everyday.
Going forward I am going to try to be easier on myself and remember that just as I weep and mourn for Olivia, it is ok to laugh and dance or celebrate life with Cole and Nathaniel and let go of guilty feelings.

Psalm 139:13

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb." - Psalm 139:13

Our little Nathaniel Josiah was born healthy and very much alive on June 12, 2013 at 11:43 pm. It was a very long day, as I was induced. We wondered if he was going to be a June 13th baby. Both Isaac and I had an understood anxiety that day, praying and hoping for a great outcome- a living baby who we would get to bring home to care for and raise. As the day dragged on and delivery become more imminent, that feeling grew stronger, after all, we are all to well aware of problems that can arise all the way up until the end. They were monitoring him for most of the day, later in the day the nurse mentioned some deceleration in his heart beat, for which the resident saw outside the room on a monitor and came in. They gave me some oxygen to help him and it stopped. I honestly don't remember the reason for it, all I cared about was that it stopped.  I am sure I was just a little anxious, ok maybe more than a little! This did provoke some questions on our part for which we learned that a baby's heartbeat never just stops suddenly, it is a slow, gradual decline. This just made me wonder about our Olivia, and that forever burning question of what went wrong?
When Nathaniel was born, I panicked because he did not cry immediately. He had a lot of fluid that needed to be suctioned out of his mouth. Once he cried I felt overwhelmed with relief, that we had made it and love for this little rainbow baby of ours. He laid on me for a few minutes but I was too worried he was gurgling fluid- I requested the nurses take him until I could sit up. After I was able to calm down, I lay there in awe at how God had blessed us after the most difficult time of our lives, losing our precious baby girl one year ago. I also was able to let go of that thought in the back of my mind that something was going to happen to me this time around. I tried hard not to think about it, or bring it up but it was there throughout this pregnancy. I didn't once have a feeling of fear for myself, it was more of a sadness for Isaac and Cole if anything did happen.
The hospital stay was shortened because of my request to be discharged early. I just wanted to take our baby and go home to our little Cole. 
The emotions around having had Nathaniel have been difficult at times. When he sleeps, we check him a zillion times because the appearance of a sleeping baby scares us a lot. When I look at him, I am reminded of Olivia and that our not having her, has brought us him. When he cries, I smile or can often laugh because it is the most beautiful sound to my ears. When the four of us are together, I am saddened because there should be one more. The feeling that some have that their family will not be complete until such and such - we will forever feel. No additional future children will take that feeling away.
Having Nathaniel has restored in us the joy in childbirth. It has played a big part in helping to heal our hearts a little more. We are so very thankful for this precious blessing from God, yet continue to grieve the loss of our Olivia.  

Psalm 31:14-15

"I am trusting you O Lord, saying "You are my God!" My future is in your hands." Psalm 31:14-15

Isaac and I recently finished a year long devotion we had been given after losing Olivia. The last chapter was titled Letting Go. There was a particular part of that weeks chapter that stuck with me, and after my scary OB appointment yesterday with an ultrasound tech who was saying all the wrong things it's ringing in my mind again today. We (I) have to let go and embrace the peace only God can provide. We can't let go of certain things and not others, we have to give it ALL to Him to fully feel the freedom his care provides us with.
Yesterday, at just another one of my bi-weekly appointments, with a biophysical profile (bpp) first, I was disappointed to find out it was not with the tech that is always overly reassuring. This tech was someone we had, had a problem with a few weeks ago, but not bad enough to warrant us to request to never have her again. She brought me into a new room she had moved to, the table was new and really awkward, and she didn't have the t.v. monitor set up in her room yet so I was unable to see the ultrasound like usual. She began the BPP, and immediately said "oh his head is over here today" (transverse position). She seemed to think this was funny and continued to talk about this. I started getting panicky because she seemed to be aimlessly moving around my belly. I finally asked "um is there a heartbeat?!" She then moved to that, however it was lower (still in normal range) than it usually has been. Then she continued to comment about how he was not in the right position. She wasn't moving on to the rest of the test, or at least not talking me through what she was doing. Then she started asking "has he been moving around?" "did you eat something before coming?" "I'm going to go get you a juice box". I asked her, panicked of course what she was seeing and she said "He's not moving a little bit here."...UMMMM what does that mean?! To me, my glass was half empty, I interpreted that as he was not moving. I of course couldn't control the tear flow at this point, and she was attempting to console me, saying she didn't mean to upset me. While she left the room to get the juice box and tissues I was just laying there feeling a wave of emotions; extreme panic, fear, denial, and flashbacks to hearing we'd lost Olivia. It was not at all what I had expected to face that day.
To get to the outcome, Nathaniel scored perfectly on the bpp, even though it took longer to get the results than it has up to this point. I was told it was probably due to his position. My OB calmed me down, and we discussed any options that I may be faced with if he does not return to vertex position. Thankfully my own doctor is on call all weekend and at the hospital all of next week so I will not have to deal with any doctor who does not know my history and who will not treat me with sensitivity.
I am scheduled to be induced in 1 week when I will be 39 weeks pregnant. This is the standard of care set by the hospital for someone like myself who has lost a baby in the past but has not had a complicated subsequent pregnancy.  I know God is in control, and he has a plan that is just for Nathaniel and myself. I am not scared by any means to have a c-section. I just want him in my arms and out of my womb. This last week is going to feel longer than the whole 9 months has felt. It is a sad feeling but a reality of a mom who has lost a baby to feel that her baby will be more safe once born than inside of her. I will be repeating the above verse to myself all week long, as I struggle with the fear of losing this baby too.