Written November 22, 2012:
I am currently just past 10 weeks with my third child, 4th pregnancy. I had a very early miscarriage in July this year. Since then I had testing done to be sure I have no clotting disorders or problems with hormone levels and am thankful to say all of it was negative.
Pregnancy after having a stillborn is emotionally VERY complicated. This time, I wasn't aware I was pregnant like with past pregnancies, and even when I missed my period, I didn't believe it. I functioned on such doubt, and expected my period was just late because of stress- I still check my underwear and the toilet everytime I use the bathroom. I truly didn't allow myself to believe it until I had my first OB appointment and had an ultrasound. I started telling God "it's ok, please give me such morning sickness that I puke my brains out" because I felt the stronger the symptoms, the more viable this pregnancy and this baby's life will be. Well, that hasn't happened, but if it does I'll be ok with it.
I also do not have a desire to tell anyone (Isaac knows of course). Honestly, if my body didn't grow so much with pregnancy, and I could hide it, I wouldn't announce this pregnancy. It feels like such a personal experience and I just want to keep it to myself. While I'm pregnant with another baby, I'm grieving for the one I lost, everyday. I have cried every single day of this pregnancy, for this new baby, and for my Olivia. I have this feeling that something will go wrong with the baby when I tell people of my being pregnant, a little superstitious I guess. However I don't think I'm alone in this thinking.
As I have said previously, having a stillborn has made me lose all innocence around pregnancy. I don't have that joy and excitement like with Cole and Olivia. Although I am thankful for this life and deep down can only hope for a living baby in the end. I am often filled with doubt, worry, and fear. In fact, if you are reading this and have had a recent announcement of your own, I pray for you. Even though I can't bring myself to say "congratulations", I am happy for you, however I am far too aware of how fragile the life of an unborn baby is. In fact, I think part of my fear in telling anyone about my pregnancy is hearing the "congratulations" and whatever comments may come as many people have voiced their opinion in our future child bearing. Common courtesy lesson, don't ask anyone, let alone a couple who has had a recent pregnancy loss, "when are you going to try again?" or "You're young, you can just have more". It's personal and quite frankly, no one's business.
You may be wondering what will be different this time as far as monitoring by my OB. I have chosen to stay with my current doctor as I know she will treat me "high risk". After meeting with a perinatologist, it became very clear to me that I would be at the bottom of their priority list as I don't have co-morbidities that make me truly high risk. I was told I will have an ultrasound at every appointment, which really made me breathe a little sigh of relief. When and if I reach 30 weeks, I will have appointments twice a week and have biophysical profiles done to monitor the breathing, movement, and reactivity of baby and amniotic fluid levels. It is this testing, I have been told by several other baby loss moms that have had babies since, is what helped them to not have another loss.
So, if you're the type who prays, please pray for this little life, and for God's will.
December 19, 2012
I have decided to post this as truly I'm trying to become more joyful and not so fearful. I realize it is becoming more physically evident that I am either eating too much during the holidays or that maybe I'm expecting.
I continue to cry everyday of this pregnancy. I think of being pregnant and I cry over missing Olivia and the thought that something could go wrong with this baby too. I still don't allow myself to fully believe that I'm pregnant despite the flutters and waves of baby movement I feel. A defense mechanism I suppose. Every little twinge of discomfort, I panic. I imagine I will become best friends (or worst nightmare) with every OB in the practice I am a patient at.
A friend of mine, who also has had a baby loss said to me when I told her just a couple of days ago that I was pregnant again "If there was anything I wished I did differently it would be to enjoy the pregnancy instead of cry about my loss."- Thank you for that, Sarah. It is not easy to do, but it is my prayer that God would give me more joy to be able to do so. As my struggle with being so fearful has grown stronger, God's timing is perfect, last night we read "Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything. God blesses the people who patiently endure testing. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:2-4, 12
Again, I would ask that if you pray for Isaac, Cole and I that you would pray for this new little baby and for a more joyful, and not so fearful me.
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