Ephesians 6:10

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power."- Ephesians 6:10

During this past week I have experienced probably the worst social situation since losing my daughter. It happened during a work meeting when someone who obviously had not heard the news saw me and said very loudly "Oh wow, Ashley look at you...HOW'S THE BABY!?" After stating that I lost THE BABY, she couldn't just apologize and stop. She went on to say "oh, well don't you have another baby at home, SHE must be getting so big, how old is SHE?"--It took all the restraint I had in me to say yes, I do have another baby at home, that HE is 16 months old. Then I left the room, before I lost it. It boggles my mind to think that someone would behave this way. Talk about digging yourself into a bigger hole! I'm sure she felt bad after, but probably not as bad as I did. I thought to myself, does she really think that my having another "baby" at home, make losing a baby at 8 months pregnant easy(ier)? I have news for anyone who thinks that, it by no means makes it easier, it stinks just as bad. We had a lot of plans and dreams (as anyone expecting a baby would) for our son and daughter. We envisioned they'd be the best of buddies, being so close in age. We couldn't wait because neither of us had siblings close in age growing up. Now, I wait until the next big disaster conversation. It brings me back to a couple months ago when I really just didn't want to be around other people for fear of what they would say.
Also this week, I received a heartfelt letter in the mail from one of my dearest friends apologizing for not saying anything or not saying enough for fear of stirring up emotions. It made me wonder if I have done/said/written anything that makes people think they should not talk about Olivia. To my friend and anyone else who has had similar thoughts, don't worry that bringing up the subject is going to make me think more about it. The truth is, it is constantly on my mind. There is not one second of my waking hours that I'm not thinking of missing my daughter.
I guess I just ask that people are sympathetic. Like in the first scenario above, it's fine that she asked about my daughter, she had last seen me when I was very pregnant. People don't assume you may not have your baby (unless you've personally experienced it). I would like to think that once you did find out the bad news, that you'd choose your words more carefully, a simple "Oh I'm sorry" is good. Yet,
don't be afraid to talk about it around me, it is a huge part of my life, it is not news to me, I'm living it. I cry less when I'm able to talk about it. I don't however, want to discuss how my son is making the situation easier. They are individuals and I love them individually. Having one and not the other is not a substitute in my mind.
Sometimes I think that by losing a child, people view it as my having some disease that's contagious. I promise, it doesn't mean it will happen to you, if you discuss it with me. And even if it did happen to any of you, I'd be your biggest supporter.

Romans 1 vs Revelation 21

" 18The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, 28 Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed, and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God- haters, insolent, arrogant, and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them." Romans 1:18 and 28-32

On this 4th of July, a holiday to remember this country's freedom (see above scripture), I am thinking of the true freedom my daughter has been blessed to experience so soon, in Heaven (see below scripture for true description of freedom).

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." He who was seated on the throne said "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." He said to me: "It is done, I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son." Revelation 21:1-7

Yes, as American's we are a "free" country compared to other parts of the world, however we are not truly free from all the wickedness in this world. We can never be truly free until the promise of God is fulfilled!

As much as I hurt, and the sadness I feel for not having my Olivia with me here, and being blessed with the ability to raise her, I can't help but be happy for her. She is in a far greater place, and enjoying the riches and blessings of our Lord that I can only dream about while still here on this earth. She is experiencing a life where every day is celebrated!

Matthew 11:28-30

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." -Matthew 11:28-20

I had recently been researching the foundation March of Dimes and came across the tab to receive information if you've recently lost a baby. I received the information in the mail, and in one of the booklets it talks about depression and the signs and symptoms of it. Being a nurse, I am fully aware of the depression screening tools, however reading this list in front of me, made me realize that I have the majority of the signs/symptoms listed. It has taken me a week to fully grasp this and accept it. Whether it is post partum depression or generalized depression from losing my daughter I'm not sure. I also am not sure if it has been suppressed for the last few months or if it just came out of the blue as post partum depression can for up to 1 year after birth of a child.
Isaac and I went to meet with a perinatologist early last week, and it turned out to be a frustrating appointment. The doctor came in, after reviewing my medical records and obstetric history and one of the first things she said is "the good news is you have a child at home so you know you can have kids." She then told us, that she didn't believe it was an abruption (based on the pathology report of the placenta) and that due to the size of Olivia, she didn't believe it had anything to do with the placenta at all. So I am part of the 60% (unexplained loss) of the 1% of women who have stillbirths. Even though I am able to accept that no medical diagnosis will make me happy, and that this was God's plan it's still frustrating to hear. We then discussed with her what future pregnancies might be like and what extra care or monitoring I may receive. Her response to this was frustrating as well. Basically I guess I would like my very own doppler attached to my stomach at all times. She told us that they follow pregnancies, not manage them. Yes this makes sense to me, but again frustrating. There will not be "a plan" like I would like. Although I'm sure she's heard it from other women, she didn't want to discuss delivering early any future babies we may be blessed with. She threw around some statistics and evidence based practice information and of course said something to the effect of "you don't want to end up with a baby in the nicu on all kinds of machines"- well no kidding we don't want that, but if it meant we had a living, breathing baby to eventually bring home, we would take it! No I didn't say that back to her, but I really wanted to.
So all that said, I'm not sure if it was this appointment which was supposed to hopefully help us in the grieving process that brought out this sudden deep despair. Or maybe it was the very vivid description we read in our devotional book the beginning of the week to mark a week of reading about "Death". The start of the chapter gave the author's very vivid description of our very similar experience with losing a child. In it she described the coldness of her baby and giving her baby over to the mortician and putting her baby into the ground and walking away. All of those images came flooding back to my mind. Since reading that, I have finished the book Heaven is Real and am now on to a book called Heaven for 90 minutes. Reading about the experience of Heaven is giving me more hope, yet making me long for the day I will be there even more. For now I am trying to ride out this depressed period, and hoping in time it will improve on its own-well with God's help, but without medication.
Please continue to pray for us!

Hebrews 12:7, 11

"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." - Hebrews 12:7, 11

This post is to my loving husband. I am watching you turn into such a strong man of God. I was thinking today, how it has been about a year since you were baptized and how since that time, when you re-committed your life to Jesus you have been under Satan's attack. It is Satan who sets out to turn good to evil and only our Heavenly Father who can mature us and bring good from bad. Since losing our daughter, Satan has set out to ruin our family and turn that already awful tragedy into something even worse. And why wouldn't he, it was a perfect opportunity- being so vulnerable and full of questions for God.
I am so thankful for God's work in your life and in our marriage.
God loves you and from that day last June when you were baptized, he knew he wasn't finished with you. He's working on making you who He intends for you to be, preparing you for the day we face Him and enter His eternal kingdom; the day we get to hold Olivia again. Keep seeking Him and let Him refine you. Our loss of Olivia is a very heavy load to bear, but somehow God is maturing us and teaching us about His love and grace.
I love you!


To those who have been praying for us, even without knowing the full details of how losing Olivia has affected us, please keep praying! We thank you and love you.

Psalm 126:5

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." -Psalm 126:5

I have been doing A LOT of thinking about how we grieve and how we respond to people who are grieving. It has been revealed to me how some people just have a natural or maybe learned ability to reach out to those who are grieving for one reason or another. I am happy to say that I have been blessed to have some of these people in my life, helping me through my current grieving, over Olivia. On the other hand, it has been brought to my attention that some people ask "Really?" when they ask how we are and get the response "they are still grieving". My response to this is just that,"REALLY?!" It amazes me how our society views the grief process- that it's a specific order of feelings and has a timeframe attached to it. I have to say if one thing has gotten me to an angry point in all of this, it is this kind of thinking. It has been nearly 3 months since we lost our daughter. Apparently to some, that is plenty of time for making it through this type of  roller coaster of emotions. However, this is not reality. I still hate that I don't get to hold my daughter and have her waking me up at all hours of the night. I hate that I won't get to see her meet all of those developmental milestones, hear her giggle and hear her cry. I cry everyday about this, several times a day. I may go a couple of hours feeling somewhat "normal", but can then be completely blindsided with grief over something minor that reminds me of not having her or even by nothing at all. I am emotionally fragile and anticipate this will last for a very long time. I don't plan on getting over this, I am hoping to make it through it. It is so evident that God has his hand in all of this, and I am so thankful for such a loving, caring God who weeps for and with me and provides me with signs of his presence on a daily basis.
I would like to challenge anyone who reads this to step out of your comfort zone and reach out to anyone you know who might be struggling or "grieving" over something and really try to come to a new understanding of grief. There is no timeframe on how long it takes to heal. When you ask someone "how are you?" ask like you really want to hear and know. There is so much suffering in this life, so why not learn how to bear one another's burdens as Jesus did for us.

Psalm 139:7-10

"I can never escape from your spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the place of the dead, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me." -Psalm 139:7-10


Yesterday, I had been having a particularly difficult day. I was going through my work day with a heavy heart. While visiting with my last patient of the day, I shared my recent loss of our daughter with his caretaker, feeling it appropriate after she had shared with me about the reason for this person's disability. She looked at me and said with a sad look in her eye "I'm really shocked you came out and said that, I guess I imagine you would not want to talk about it." She then went on to say "If you ever want to feel like you're not alone, look up Blackstone Valley Angel of Hope." She briefly told me about what it stood for. So, when I got to my car, I looked it up on my phone and discovered it was right in Uxbridge, where I was. I drove to the address. To my surprise it was the very same park entrance I had noticed over the last couple of weeks and had, had  a desire to see what was beyond the entrance but didn't take the time to stop as its entrance is chained off. Now to my understanding the chain is probably there because they don't want people to attempt driving in. So I pulled over on the curb and walked into the wooded area. It was a fair distance in before I saw this beautiful angel statue and the story that goes along with this memorial garden.

Walking around the garden, reading the stones that have been donated by parents in memory of their child,  I felt sad, yet as the woman had said "not alone". It makes me horribly sad to be part of the group of people who knows what it's like to lose a child, but at the same time, I am filled with a sense of HOPE. The word hope as a verb means "to look forward to with reasonable desire and confidence". It is very clear to me at this time in my life that I have never had as much hope for anything in life as I do now. I hope for the future I have in heaven with my daughter and other loved ones'. Also, in finding this garden area, I was reminded how much God cares for me, that during a day which I was feeling extra sad, he cared enough to lead me to this very special place. We don't have to ask, He provides just what we need at just the right time- even if we can't understand his timing.

 "His Spirit searches out everything and shows us even God's deep secrets. No one can know what anyone else is really thinking except that person alone, and no one can know God's thoughts except God's own Spririt. And God has actually given us His Spirit (not the world's spirit) so we can know the wonderful things God has freely given us. But people who aren't Christians can't understand these truths from God's Spirit."- 1Corinthian's 2:10-12, 14

Proverbs 29:22

"An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot tempered one commits many sins"- Proverbs 29:22


Just yesterday I was told that "you really need to get angry". This was said to me by someone I rarely see while I was in tears after speaking with the superintendent of the cemetery that Olivia is buried in. I have been on their case about putting Olivia's stone down since I  got word that they have it. They have had the stone for about a month now, but have told me that they only put them down two times a year, meaning the next time is in the Fall. I will admit I got agitated  and very close to being hot tempered with the person on the phone as they also told me we can not plant in front of her stone, only in front of my grandparent's. For anyone reading this, you may wonder what the big deal is, but it is a very big deal when a piece of black granite is all you have marking your child's short existence here on earth.

The statement "you need to get angry" hit me, like maybe I do need to. I've thought a lot about it since yesterday and realize the potential to get angry is there inside of me. It usually just comes out as tears.

I felt angry tonight as I read Cole the story of Jairus' daughter whom Jesus brought back to life in the book of  Matthew. Yet it came out as tears. I know both Isaac and I prayed for God to do this while I was in labor on April 7th. Being reminded of  this story, makes me angry that he didn't do it with Olivia. However then I look to the verses Lamentations 3:32 which says "Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love." and Lamentations 3:38 "Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both calamities and good things come?" I can't imagine what good can come from losing a child, but I choose to believe that the Lord is showing compassion on us.
We are the direct result of the suffering God promised after the disobedience of Adam and Eve. It makes me sad, resentful, and angry, but somehow I am able to accept God's compassion and go one day at a time through all of my emotions.


As an aside, tomorrow marks 2 months for our sweet little angel whom we miss immensely and can't wait to spend eternity with.