Isaiah 58:11

"The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." Isaiah 58:11

Yesterday we met with my OB for follow up (I'm not quite sure why they make mother's of stillborn babies sit in the waiting room with very pregnant woman).  All lab results have come back "normal" as well as the pathology report of the placenta. We have been told that clinically they do believe our loss of Olivia was from an abruption despite no physical evidence on the placenta. In some small way, this makes me feel better to have some kind of answer, even if I will never be able to accept the outcome.
 I have hit some really low days in the last week, feeling on the verge of being depressed, which I am convinced is a normal part of my grieving. Some days I just feel like being alone. I have discovered in myself that I have been trying to avoid "normal" social activities. I am not in a place that I feel like being around casual conversations and would prefer to avoid any awkward conversation or stupid comments. (I do realize people mean well, but the majority of society has no clue how to relate to this kind of loss, therefore often say stupid things in an effort to comfort.) When I say stupid things, I mean comments like "God always has a plan", "At least you're ok and nothing happened to you too", "You can have more children", "You'll get though this". Yes, I know God has a plan. I am thankful nothing happened to me, although I have had the occasional thought that it would have been ok if something did (yes my husband is aware of this thought). I'm sure we probably can have more kids and somehow we will choose to get through this, but those comments aren't comforting. It has taken me the last month to figure out what is helpful and I will share it because I have been asked numerous times what is comforting. A listening ear because quite frankly I want to talk about my daughter and show her picture. I want her to be remembered. Also of comfort is to be able to talk with other people who have gone through this- which I realize leaves out a lot of concerned people in our lives'. If I am able to take anything from dealing with this, I hope to be a comfort to woman who come after me, woman who like me have to face this kind of hell.
This Friday, the 11th was the day in my mind that we would meet our little girl. I would have been 37 weeks pregnant, medically full term and considered safe to deliver a baby. It is hard for me to understand how our Cole is so healthy, never had any complications in utero, labor and delivery or after being born, but I was so sick while pregnant with him. I remember laying in bed while I was so ill and worrying that something would be wrong with him, however the thought of him dying never crossed my mind. I just thought he would be sick in some way. This pregnancy was much smoother sailing, I did everything to try and prevent the problems I had while pregnant with Cole. Yes I had asthma trouble again, but it was controlled all along. Two weeks before getting the horrible news of Olivia's passing I had finally decided with my doctors encouragement that I needed to stop work to help prevent those complications I had while carrying Cole. My deciding factor (because I'm a very stubborn person) was that "I need to do this, I can work my whole life, but right now the health of this child is the most important and absolutely invaluable." Again, never imagining death as an outcome. I will add however, that as bizarre as it sounds it was as if my heart knew something my brain didn't want to think about during this pregnancy. Up until April 7th I didn't have that same excitement to go buy everything for my expected baby like I had while expecting Cole. I would think to myself "well don't buy that yet, what if you don't need it, just wait." Mother's intuition or God preparing me for what I was going to face?
 Aside from the sadness I feel from losing my child, I am sad that I now have such a scared outlook on pregnancy. Stillbirth is not something you hear much about and even if you do, you think of it as something that happened years ago before modern, advanced medicine. Now, it is the first thing I think of when I think of pregnancy and this just plain sucks.