Phillipians 4:19

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus" Phillipians 4:19

I sit here now writing this after a very long week. We took a family vacation to Maine, and enjoyed time with some of Isaac's family. This vacation was emotional but also just what we needed for our relationship as a couple. A lot of personal struggles came to a head and since then (yes in just a few short days) we have been able to confront them and move in  the right direction. Adversity, in our case the loss of our daughter always brings out the worst in all of us. I will share some of what is going on, only in an effort to hopefully help any other person who reads this and finds themselves' in the same boat.

I had been struggling with understanding how my husband, Isaac could be coping so well with the loss of Olivia. I would ask him how he was feeling/doing and he would simply tell me he talks to Olivia throughout his day, just trusting that she's with him. I began to think, ok maybe this is how a dad copes, that maybe, just maybe it's not as difficult for the dad to lose a baby. I was really trying hard to suppress my feelings of resentment. It was when family asked how we were doing and he responded "Great!" that I  knew, that at the right time I needed to say something to him, that I couldn't stand hearing that. I wondered how he could be doing great, because I certainly am not.

Then we'll fast forward some, in talking with each other, Isaac revealed he was in fact, not doing great, and that he was keeping it all to himself. His desire was to protect me, an innate desire, and let me have my own time to grieve. We have since sought help for what we are facing and realize we have a lot of work to do as a couple to better communicate with one another. Communication is afterall how relationships survive. I believe, we as a couple have chosen to live out what it says in Ephesians 16:10&11 "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes."  Satan has a way of attacking when he sees people walking close with the Lord. We just need to be better prepared to attack back.

Also weighing heavily on my mind and heart- I'm heading back to work tomorrow. This time last year, I returned to work with a yearning to get home everyday to my newborn Cole. This year, I don't get to return home to my 2 children like I should be. Right now, I would give anything to be returning to work, leaving he and Olivia at home. I guess, sitting here writing this, I have a new perspective about having to be a full-time working mom. Working and raising your children is a wonderful blessing when you get to come home to your kids, all of your kids.
I am very much dreading the questions and comments from patients who knew I was pregnant. I'm fearful of the comment that brings me to tears or fills me with anger. I'm most fearful of the feeling I have that by returning to work, I'm somehow moving on or that people view it as that. I know so many people think we will or should move on, but the truth is, we will not. We will just to choose to continue living. That emptiness will always be there.