Revelation 21:4

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." - Revelation 21:4

There have been a lot of tears shed on my part this past week. Going back to work has been a struggle. Being a visiting nurse, there is a lot of time spent in my car driving throughout my work day. I find that this is allowing me a lot more time to just think about my daughter and miss everything I won't get to share with her. It seems that this week has been a "back to reality" kind of week. I think up until now I've been walking around, mostly in a fog, periodically realizing what has truly happened in our lives'.

This week, I've been struggling with really knowing the loss of Olivia is real, and I hate it. We are almost to the official due date of our daughter and the emotions seem to be getting more difficult. Several nights this week I've woken up with some pretty awful anxiety, and in talking about it I haven't been able to put into words what it is I'm anxious about. So I will try in writing it out. I wake up and start thinking "did this really happen?" I start thinking this whole entire thing can't possibly be real, that I didn't just go through 8 months of pregnancy. Then something tells me that yes, I most definitely did, and I'm hit with so many emotions, I can't slow them down and just focus on one feeling at a time. I think back to when we first found out we were expecting, and when we found out we were having a baby girl. I think about how we originally wanted to name her Chloe, but then announced the change in name. I think of just the ordinary days of being pregnant, excited to meet our baby. Then I realize all of that is over and we had to meet and say goodbye to her all at once. Then I get so frustrated and so sad and wonder "why" we had to lose her. My heart is so broken. I know this has changed who I am.

 Some night's I give in to the anxious feelings and reach for the pills I was prescribed after losing Olivia partly because I'm just too tired to be laying awake but mostly because I just want to sleep and not think. Other night's I try to focus myself on thinking about heaven and how Olivia will never have to suffer. I have so many questions and curiosities about it now. I've never thought so much about heaven in the past, even after the loss of other loved ones'. I guess that is the mom in me, wanting to know about Olivia's life and surroundings. Probably on a daily basis I say to Isaac "can we just die now please" and he lovingly asks me to rephrase what I'm saying to "can Jesus just come again please".  The promise of Revelation 21:4 is something I've never looked forward to more.